Last night I was reading different blogs, and came across a new post from k, about the word 'should,' which I gather she got the idea from someone else.
Later that evening, Beta Master came by and we talked for a long while, mostly about the word 'should'. I asked him point blank if "should was shit." He looked at me, laughing, and asked me to repeat the question. Since my query was a little out of the blue, I rephrased it into does 'should equal regret.'
He pondered that for a moment and said that should was that powerful of a word, but he didn't give it much power since he makes choices to decide whether or not to do something and go forward from there and he doesn't look back from it. If he makes a mess, he cleans it up. He offered some examples and I listened. Then he said something to me I didn't expect, he said that sometimes there aren't choices. You have no option, he cited the example of when Alpha Master, had little time left, and made me leave. There was no choice and I had to leave. While I might regret it, he pointed that I didn't own it because it was his choice. Another example was Beta Master's sex addiction. That was his choice, within his control and again not something I was to own. It was his mess, and he had to clean it up. It doesn't mean that I wasn't affected, but the ownership of it was his alone. He does regret the effect it had on us, but like he explained, it's his to own and to fix.
That didn't mean I wasn't without my own 'should' ownership. In the year following my Alpha Master's death I was violently beaten and raped. I didn't go to the police, nor did I tell a soul until years had passed. I had met him online (on a BDSM chat thing), and agreed to meet him, he claimed he was into the lifestyle. In retrospect I doubt he was, but those red flags were ignored because I needed to replace my former Alpha Master.
Beta Master pointed out that I made a choice and the outcome was bad, very bad. It was a whole line of 'shoulds' that on my part I owned. At the same time, I was also lucky, to have survived, and to have not gotten any diseases from the incident, a point not forgotten by Beta Master but often discounted by me.
As a former slave I'm not used to claiming ownership of anything but I suppose I do own that.
When the discussion was over, we relaxed on the sofa, and he picked up Pride and Prejudice and started reading to me from it. I actually nodded off, slipping in and out, listening to his voice, taking it in, I suppose on a subliminal level. I woke very early this morning to find him still there. He had fallen asleep too.
I could tell as he stood that his back was probably killing him from the awkward position, mine certainly was. I think we're both too old for that. It was kind of nice though.