reflections

I've been reading some different blogs lately, mostly written by those involved in the lifestyle. I suppose as I try to sort through my life, I look to other's experiences as a reference point. Also, I'm thinking about last night with Beta Master and my shameless flirtation. Am I addicted to him? Or just the idea of him?

Maybe the therapist is right and it's all a post traumatic stress. Alpha Master being diagnosed with cancer and eventually cutting me out of his life. I could understand removing evidence of his lifestyle from his home, but did it have to include me? I know the reason he did it. I understand that. I just never thought he actually would.

There is no easy way to explain this but around 10 years before I'd met Alpha Master, he was living in another state. He was married, and I suppose happy. His wife was in a car accident, and left, with some huge functional problems. Eventually, he left the state, but never divorced her, and continued to financially support her. To her, each day he was just away on business, even if he was standing in front of her. It was painful for him. I know this.

It was painful for me too. No one ever wants to see anyone you care about in pain. That was why oftentimes he drank to excess, it didn't take a genius to figure it out. I was effectively the other woman. He rarely went home to visit his family or his wife, claiming work was the priority. However he hadn't started that until he was with me. I know he cared about me. To everyone that knew him, we were a couple, most had forgotten that he even had a wife. I feel like I'm justifying.

When he found out he was dying, I cared for him for as long as he would let me. Then he sent me away. I was reduced to just a caring coworker. It was devastating. The whole time we were together, he hadn't cared about appearances, and suddenly they mattered. I was confused.

I can't begin to recollect how many times I went through the stages of grief with him and later over his death. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Acceptance wouldn't come for a long time. I would go through the first four again and again, like a broken record and repeating the same thing. I made myself crazy, I can only imagine what I did to others around me. Like Beta Master.

My beliefs, my ability to trust were effectively buried with him. It's important to recognize that now.

There are some books I have read again and again. One of which is We the Living by Ayn Rand, I recently found this book in a box, long forgotten, I sighed thinking about it--I had just finished Axis Shrugged, and I'm half way through Pride and Prejudice, did I want to start another heavy book? I fanned through the well worn book and paused, eyes wide, mouth open, I had found a folded up piece of paper. I carefully unfolded it, wondering what it could be, perhaps an old grocery list, or chore list, long forgotten and used as a bookmark.

I stared at the paper, at first seeing something very foreign and unfamiliar, then, my throat felt like it was going to close, my mouth went dry. It just read, "Go to [Beta Master's real name], he'll help you and take care of you." Suddenly I was outside myself, looking in. When was this written?

Suddenly I realized I couldn't remember what Alpha Master sounded like or what his handwriting looked like, and beyond that even his features now were mostly a blur, or like a mental snapshot of the last time I'd seen him. Was this really written by him and if so when? Again more questions than I have answers for. I was very upset the day I had left his house, rightfully so, I felt the rug had pulled out from under my feet. I vaguely recall unpacking my things but honestly, I believe it wasn't until after his death. Had he meant for me to see this before his death or after? I hadn't touched that book, except to move it from box to book shelf, and back to box multiple times. And honestly at any of those moves I've made, it could have just as easily ended up in box headed for the local Goodwill store.

But why that book, why not his favorite novel by the same author? He liked The Fountainhead. Or my favorite novel Anthem? Certainly I would have found it sooner. I searched through all the books, regardless of when purchased for anything else inside them and found nothing. Finally well past midnight, I went to bed and fell into a troubled sleep.

Morning brought me little clarity. I called Beta Master and asked him once again if Alpha Master had made plans where I was concerned. He claimed he wasn't aware of any. He did ask why and I told him of the note. He was in the dark about that but did admit that Alpha Master had asked him to look after me. To me look after and take care of are two different things.

I find it very difficult to believe everything Beta Master tells me but for now I'll have to take him at his word. In the past Beta Master had claimed that I was intended to become his slave. But he later recanted that story.

My therapist says I need to just let go of the past and start fresh. We talked about that just yesterday. Then I flirted with Beta Master. Maybe I had seen the note before in that book. Maybe my subconscious mind wasn't ready to deal with it, so I filed it away. Then my subconscious mind, because it always remembers everything, led me to that book. The title might offer some clue...We The Living.

I know I over think everything and look for meaning in everything and perhaps there is no meaning to this. Perhaps it's just another mind fuck to bring up to my therapist the next time we meet.