After talking with Jim, I have decided to reexamine the 12 steps. I am writing this here mostly for mouse's benefit. When I first entered NA, Jim showed me the 12 steps of recovery and I scoffed thinking I could do them in a week.
I too easily admitted I was powerless over my addiction; step two please. Jim did not let that slide. I was to explain how and why. I wrote down some rubbish and waited a more appropriate amount of time before moving on. I was not very honest with myself and Jim. I was still acting out though I had stifled myself somewhat.
A year after I found I needed doing all the steps over, more willingly this time and with much more honesty. I stopped acting out entirely a roughly month or so before that. When I approached step one it took three months to admit I was truly powerless. Certainly I had some ability to abstain from my bad behaviors. Was I powerless? Was my life unmanageable? The simple answer is yes. However there are no easy answers. After rereading what I had written now two and half years ago, I got most of it right. I was honest, and succinct. Time changes and I find there is more that I did not recognize.
Drugs are a nasty bugger that lie, coupled with sexual issues surrounding intimacy and ability to feel close or well connected in normal (even) BDSM styled dynamic is next to impossible.
Keyword: Calm (odd)
