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Thursday, June 18, 2009

I don't get it.

Last night I was emotional, weepy and feeling vulnerable for reasons I can't thoroughly explain. Just in a funk of sorts. Omega was up, feeling sadistic and probably invigorated from his time away. To suggest our moods were mismatched is an understatement. Yet I didn't feel like telling him no, even though I wasn't in the mood for intense. We exited to the basement and he tied me up, gagged and put the hood over my head. I instantly started feeling overwhelmed. He bound up my breasts in a painful way. Then hit them several times. I was mentally screaming but made no sound at all. Mentally suddenly it was as though I was with Alpha counting it down until it was over. I felt the whip, he was caressing me with it. I shivered. I closed my eyes and waited. I felt the blows hitting my back, licking around the sides and I screamed through the gag. I found myself begging for him to stop. Of course he couldn't hear it. He continued, then stopped and started screwing me. He had placed a length of rope in my hand and I hadn't dropped it, which he would understand as a safeword. He was harsh plunging himself deep. It hurt.

Mentally, I was in that dark place with Alpha, where I had no choices. Nothing I could do would matter. I didn't enjoy this submission, it felt more like abuse. Eventually it was over. He pulled the hood off my head and removed the gag. He looked at me, and believed nothing was out of the ordinary, I guess, I was just quiet. He pulled me close to him. He was soothing and wonderful. He didn't know. He wrapped me in a blanket and helped me up the stairs. We talked about it afterward just lightly though. I left out the part about Alpha--I'm tired of dealing with those issues. I found myself feeling guilty and wanted to make things right. I wanted to show him how sorry I was and how silly I felt. I wanted to worship his body, I felt that strong urge--to almost resubmit to him or show him I would clearly do anything anytime. I found myself begging and pleading for him to do things he knows I'd normally find very distasteful.

I don't know if he was tempted by my odd requests or offerings. All I know is today I feel worse about it. I feel I need to fix it. Make it right. He didn't say anything he just held me all night long. I don't know if he actually slept. This morning I was no better and still a mess. Had to go to work and try to act somewhat normal. He sent several text messages, just checking in he said. He called the office several times too. He wanted to be sure I got some protein with lunch (don't know what difference that makes). When I used to get this way Alpha would whip me--maybe I need that?

All I know is that I want to crawl inside him. What the hell is wrong with me?

12 comments:

  1. Dear sweet Renea,

    I am sorry that Alpha abused you, but proud that you are in the process of recovering.

    I wish I knew how to convey my thoughts better, but my intelligence gets trapped inside of my head.

    You do not need to be whipped nor to make promises or beg to punish yourself by offering services that otherwise are unpalatable. That is not the path to healing from Alpha's abuse.

    Those old patterns are why you seek recovery. It would seem that you need some TLC. To know that because you went into a dark place does not mean you deserve to be ill treated now. I am sorry I don't seem to be able to say what I want.

    I wish cutesypah were here as she is wonderful with conveying ideas, thoughts and feelings.

    I want Omega to wrap you in a warm blanket and just hold you and to instruct you to drop the damn rope next time. It is OK to protect yourself. His sadistic desire will return another day. You need to learn that your mental health is of utmost importance.

    You are wonderful. Please drop the rope if this happens again and protect yourself. I do not wish you to endure anymore of this type of pain.

    {{{Hugs}}},
    Denise

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  3. keyword: unconditional

    we both understand what that means
    Omega

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  4. Dear Omega,

    I wish you could receive this in private, but I have no other way to communicate.

    I see that you deleted your longer comment for the condensed version that is now displayed.

    Omega, was your long comment in response to something I said?

    Please if something in my comment is off putting, then please delete my comment.

    I have the utmost respect for you and would say nothing even hinting at derogatory.

    Sincerely,
    Denise

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  5. oh, renea. hugs to you, honey! recovery is not always wonderful. It can be painful, and occasionally feels as though the pain will last forever, or that you're making the pain worse. Neither is true. You ARE making progress, as you can see the difference between the two.

    What concerns me is that you didn't communicate your concerns to Omega. Likewise, you didn't tell him about your flashback - and that's what it sounds like from your description.

    Please know I understand you're tired of thinking about Alpha. But, remember this: what you resist, persists. The longer you put this off, the longer these memories and feelings of anger will remain.

    As Omega said, unconditional. That's his love for you, his acceptance of you, and there is no judgment of you on his part.

    Many times, right before we make another breakthrough in recovery, we feel as though we're stuck, going through the same emotions over and over again. The truth is that we're being prepared for something incredible. It's what Melody Beattie calls "recycling." We're taking our old habits and making something new from them.

    Plese know that you've not gone back to that place where you didn't realize you were abused. You're not back at the place when the pain was so fresh. You're now at the place where, like a butterfly breaking free from its cocoon, you must struggle and work hard, to build the strength you need to move forward, spread your wings, and fly.

    You are loved. You are beautiful. You are strong.

    I'm proud of you for working so hard on your recovery.

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  6. *hugs*

    Be honest with yourself and with Omega. Communication is the key to recovering.

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  7. Denise,

    There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your comment of concern to r. I pulled my own comment off because I started pontificating. I do get frustrated when I realize how little regard renea received from alpha. I considered alpha a close friend, more a sibling and now...

    Anyway I put that comment on my own journal (which my therapist gets to read). I welcome you to read it (and anyone else).

    Omega

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  8. cutesy-pah,

    Flashback? I had not thought of that and figured it was a bit of sub drop. However, now I can see where the two might commingle.

    However, even though she didn't communicate this with me directly (as I would have preferred), she did put in her journal when she felt safe to do so.

    Just an aside, I have always required all my slaves, bottoms, submissives to journal their feelings, because so much more tends to bubble out in that writing. With new technology of "blogging" it's ideal for me because I don't have to demand the book from them.

    What follows are my thoughts on renea's relationship with K and if I am off base I will ask that renea clarify it so that I can understand it better.

    I sense for renea, she never received any real closure from that relationship. She was never technically released; she was simply made to move out. On the one occasion toward the end of his life where I accompanied her to visit him, he used that time to renew his ownership over her. He told her then he would be her only Master. He was the only one that understood everything she needed and the only one who would love her the way she needed. I could tell it wasn't the first time he had spoken those words to her—it was well rehearsed.

    At the time I didn't think much about it, because I could not comprehend the pervasive psychological control he had over her. As the years passed, I became mired in my own issues and more or less acquiesced of her issues. Coupled with the fact she's had through the years several dominates somewhat confirm to her that K was a wonderful Master who loved her deeply. Now I cannot fault them completely, for years K was that wonderful Master in r's mind, and I'm certain she relayed to them her feelings as she felt them.

    She just wasn't being honest with herself about those emotions. She wasn't being honest about the damage done to her under the guise of Mastery. He remained omnipresent in her mindset and I believe the reason she did not seek help when she was raped. She had the audacity to seek someone different and it ended badly. In her mind she was to blame.

    I believe since that time renea has remained celibate—So this is her first relationship since that time. And I too find it ironic that when I got myself together, her life finally unraveled. All those years finally hit her and I am honored that I am allowed to witness her growth and to assist her through this. She truly amazes me with her inner strength and confidence. I speculate this is where my fears of the future come to the surface. When will she realize that she does not need me? I cannot be so arrogant to assume she always will need me, if I did, then I am no better than K.

    Omega

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  9. Omega,

    After reading your journal and cutesypah's advice (and I knew that she would understand and be able to offer helpful advice and support) I have a better understanding and realize that though I wanted to offer support to Renea. Having limited experience I have no idea what Renea experienced and am not qualified to offer advice.

    All I can offer is support and that seems an ill offering.

    I wish you both well on this journey and will keep you in my prayers, but have decided that my best course is one of silent support.

    Be well. Thank you for your kindness.

    Peace,
    Denise

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  10. Dear Denise,

    Perhaps I have misconstrued your last comment however I do wish now we could speak privately about this as there appears a miscommunication. Your support is not an ill offering, but in fact readily appreciated. If you wish, I invite you to email me privately, my email is now available on my profile page.

    You were spot on many points made in your original comment. Notwithstanding I now have the deep feeling that I have offended you. That was far from my intent.

    I only hope that you can forgive my unintended transgression and continue to offer your support to renea.

    With warm regard,
    Omega

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  11. Renea,

    My thoughts are with you it must have been a terrible ordeal. I to think you are making progress and need to be mindful of how far you have come. Trust in Omega is not giving him anything he wants but rather being truthful with him. Trust he will listen and trust he will stay.

    J.

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  12. Thank you for your post renea. Its reassuring to know that we aren't alone sometimes isn't it? I see now why mine resonated with you.

    I think that sometimes, during or right after a pain or humiliation session its almost impossible to talk. Its too hard to process emotion into speech, too hard to form sensation into a coherent voice.

    Afterward, in something like this blog, its easier to find a voice, to express yourself. It does sound to me like you can express that to him here, knowing its a safe place to do so.

    thanks for sharing

    sin

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