Last night I was emotional, weepy and feeling vulnerable for reasons I can't thoroughly explain. Just in a funk of sorts. Omega was up, feeling sadistic and probably invigorated from his time away. To suggest our moods were mismatched is an understatement. Yet I didn't feel like telling him no, even though I wasn't in the mood for intense. We exited to the basement and he tied me up, gagged and put the hood over my head. I instantly started feeling overwhelmed. He bound up my breasts in a painful way. Then hit them several times. I was mentally screaming but made no sound at all. Mentally suddenly it was as though I was with Alpha counting it down until it was over. I felt the whip, he was caressing me with it. I shivered. I closed my eyes and waited. I felt the blows hitting my back, licking around the sides and I screamed through the gag. I found myself begging for him to stop. Of course he couldn't hear it. He continued, then stopped and started screwing me. He had placed a length of rope in my hand and I hadn't dropped it, which he would understand as a safeword. He was harsh plunging himself deep. It hurt.
Mentally, I was in that dark place with Alpha, where I had no choices. Nothing I could do would matter. I didn't enjoy this submission, it felt more like abuse. Eventually it was over. He pulled the hood off my head and removed the gag. He looked at me, and believed nothing was out of the ordinary, I guess, I was just quiet. He pulled me close to him. He was soothing and wonderful. He didn't know. He wrapped me in a blanket and helped me up the stairs. We talked about it afterward just lightly though. I left out the part about Alpha--I'm tired of dealing with those issues. I found myself feeling guilty and wanted to make things right. I wanted to show him how sorry I was and how silly I felt. I wanted to worship his body, I felt that strong urge--to almost resubmit to him or show him I would clearly do anything anytime. I found myself begging and pleading for him to do things he knows I'd normally find very distasteful.
I don't know if he was tempted by my odd requests or offerings. All I know is today I feel worse about it. I feel I need to fix it. Make it right. He didn't say anything he just held me all night long. I don't know if he actually slept. This morning I was no better and still a mess. Had to go to work and try to act somewhat normal. He sent several text messages, just checking in he said. He called the office several times too. He wanted to be sure I got some protein with lunch (don't know what difference that makes). When I used to get this way Alpha would whip me--maybe I need that?
All I know is that I want to crawl inside him. What the hell is wrong with me?