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Monday, June 22, 2009

Let in-Lash-out and Recoil

Quite a lot of you know that Omega and I had some big problems this weekend. Maybe problem is not strong enough of a word. I don't know what is. For those who don't know, I'll say it this way. Friday was a bad day, though I was actually feeling a little bit better from the scene on Wednesday. We had talked about it, I worked that day a half day and we were cool. Then I read one of his comments and felt..I dunno. I asked him a question that I deep down I knew the answer to and caught him off guard. He is always very controlled in his appearance and in that moment, I saw the truth in his eyes. He really had no choice to confess, had he lied I would have saw through it.

I could have handled it better, I should have cried and then talked to him about it. I didn't though, I did cry they were very angry tears. I needed to escape. I wanted out. I didn't want to see him.

I said once to someone that we have a pattern, let in, lash-out and recoil. That was what happened. I got into my car and I'm ashamed to say I lit up the tires, and fishtailed around the corner. My old car doesn't handle as well as the newer ones. I got on the freeway. I was driving and crying. My cell was ringing. It started raining. I ignored it. I ignored him. I drove to our friends Lucy and Schroeder's. I didn't want to go home. Though I didn't plan exactly on staying the night there.

Lucy and I drank three bottles of red wine (one was a zin blend around 15 years old, two were Cabernet, one was quite old). Schroeder is a wine collector. He wasn't thrilled--we were drinking the good stuff some of it really good. At some point he called Omega and told him I was too drunk and spending the night. He didn't want him to worry. By that time I didn't care. The morning brought a hangover of epic proportions that only red wine can produce. My body felt so out of whack, my teeth itched. My head was going to explode. I wanted water. Lots and lots of of water. Lucy made a batch of bloody Mary, ugh. I imbibed. It seemed to help but coffee helped too. So did the water, Advil; can't say the bloody Mary's were magical. We had breakfast and I left for home.

Omega was there. We talked about everything. Mistakes he had made; I had made. He asked me to forgive him. I did readily. It wasn't his fault-at least not entirely. We didn't talk about the past just about the people we want to be together. We don't want to be the people that self-destruct, or feel so wrapped in insecurity that we don't believe we're worthy to be happy. We broke the pattern. We made up, though he can't understand why I would forgive him. He remains thrilled however that I did.

This morning I went to therapy. I was really dreading it. My therapist commented that I always knew the truth. She won't judge him if it was right or wrong. Since I knew or basically felt all these years that he was aware of what happened with Alpha. She said that basically he should have said nothing, but she quickly added life isn't always basic. She asked me if I truly forgave him not just for the telling but for the past as well. She mused that what he had done wasn't small, he had let me down. He was the one person in a real position to help me and stood by, watching, knowing and decided to do nothing. (She knows me, she knows I hang on to anger, hatred, and most negative emotions, I would wait until he's having a horrible patch and lash out dredging up that past. Only to hurt him.)

Okay, did she have to put it that way? Could I really forgive that, really, the kind of forgiveness that comes when you truly let it all go? Was I capable? Could I never bring it up again, in a bad or negative way? I started crying. I sat there crying for at least 10 minutes. In the end my answer was yes, I can forgive him for that. If I had the power to grant him absolution, I would, I can forgive him, myself. I can let this part go. I felt this weird weight being lifted off my shoulders. It was odd because I don't remember feeling it before but certainly noticed when it was gone. I felt better. She then asked if I could forgive Alpha for doing those things. Was I ready? Forgive HIM? Is that possible? The answer was a quick no.

She said she understood and that there was more work to be done. I'll see her next week.

5 comments:

  1. r,

    Only enough time for a quick reply:

    At some point you must forgive K. Not because he deserves forgiveness; I am not certain at all he does. You need to do this to move forward in a positive way, you need not forget however. The two are not mutually exclusive.

    We will discuss this more, but later.

    Omega

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  2. I disagree with Omega. You do NOT have to forgive K. That is your decision, and yours alone. That is something that will come in time, if at all. But, I do agree that forgetting and forgiving are not mutually exclusive.

    You have made great strides this weekend, both of you. Just remember that you will "recycle," but it doesn't mean you've failed or are somehow wrong. It only means that you're doing an excellent job on staying focused on your therapy, and bringing yourself to a place where you and Omega can have a healthy relationship.

    Hugs to you both.
    cutesypah

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  3. Thanks Grey!

    cutesy pah. I never understood the whole forgive and forget thing...Personally I think they both need to happen.

    You are right though about the recycling and keeping with the therapy.

    Thanks for your wonderful insight, you're very helpful.

    renea

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  4. i've just read this entry and havent read the others yet but, thank you for sharing your journey. Forgiveness is never easy, and its not always necessary but, it is good for the soul.

    ReplyDelete

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