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Tuesday, June 2, 2009


I've been trolling different blogs lately (nothing on my sidebar--though I do read those blogs too but I consider them involved in healthy relationships or have healthy attitudes). Taking on Sir J's post on punishment and purging a lot of crap dealing with Alpha has been rather freeing for me.

That said I've noticed a strange pattern in some of the blogs I've read recently, much like punishment can be used I feel as a replacement for play, I also found that so can this notion "retraining." I haven't read this in just one place and I'm not speaking about just one blog but several. So, I went to my own owner and Master, Omega and asked him about this. Has any slave or bottom he's been involved with required any kind of "re-training." His reply was a simple no. In his younger days he had many rules for slaves, but as he's grown older he's decided that most of them weren't important and sometimes annoying. Though he liked having complete control over his former slaves, he also hated being asked to use the bathroom or have them freak out in front of him because the grocery store didn't have the exact brand of soda he requested--he has NEVER punished any sub or slave for something that can't be their fault. However none of that required retraining, it just required modifying a rule. Not all of them just one. Retraining to me means throwing out all the rules and starting over from scratch.

So, what's the deal with this retraining phenomenon I've been reading lately? The number one reason given by these subs and slaves in their blogs (gay and straight ones) is the notion of not being sub enough!

Now I need to go back to my post about The Care and Feeding of Slaves. Training, I believe is never ending, we're always learning as we go, and this applies to Masters as well as slaves. However, this isn't retraining, this is modifying and adding to the training, something that both sides of M/s forget about. We are human and always evolving but does this mean that we at some point throwaway all our knowledge and start over again? I don't think so.

I am flawed, Omega understands this and he is trying to gently change them because, like I wrote then, I don't like them either. However changing flaws or quirks, isn't about training or retraining, it's about accepting. If I never change my flaws, Omega would be sad (because some could shorten my life) but he's not going to leave me because of them. Flaws are not huge issues, if they are then they are not flaws. A pedophile is not flawed, a pedophile is sick. A rapist isn't flawed, again, they're sick. A flaw is a weakness, something that detracts but isn't so huge that it can make you overlook the person. Vanity is a flaw, narcissism is something else entirely and is not healthy or easily overlooked.

Another important part of that post was "care for my mental health as well as my physical." We all understand the principles of RACK or SSC, but telling your sub after a year or two together they must be retained because they're just not sub enough...I would think that can be quite mentally damaging. Maybe I'm wrong about this.

Perhaps if a Dom/Master can explain instances or examples where a Master would completely retrain his own property after a few years, I would have a better understanding of this concept.


  1. Oh bless you I am actually concerned for a certain slave's mental state.

    I felt very sad for her spirit after reading her re-training post. I felt a bit drained of my own actually.

    After her post about waking late and the whole day went down hill from there. I found myself asking if humor had anyplace in her M/s dynamic. I felt a good dose of healthy laughter would have went farther in reconnecting / resetting the day than the disconnect of his sour mood.

    I ache for her well being. Plain and simple I want to wrap her up in love. Though I know nothing of a D/s or M/s relationship not having found one I could enter into. I guess I am just to picky. So perhaps I should keep quite, but I can see when a spirit has not been raised in love.

    So that is why I don't keep my big ole mouth shut.

    Thank you for allowing me this place of release. I have not left a comment on that post because I just don't want to make her feel bad. I don't know how to express myself on this matter with her, yet.

    With great appreciation,

  2. Denise,

    You are truly a sweet person!
    I think I know who you are talking about Denise. I'm pretty sure (and we need not say more), I guess the reason I posted this myself is because I feel a little the same but much more guarded. I feel saying the wrong thing (if her Master reads her blog and I have no reason to believe he wouldn't), might get her into trouble. I think I might have done that once already.

    On the other hand, I have read this in several other blogs that I won't name because I don't want to get them into trouble with their Master/Mistresses or Dom/Dommes. And I'm wondering if this actually commonplace (though Omega said he didn't think so)

    Perhaps if this particular slave is allowed read others blogs anymore, she will swing by here. And maybe she'll know that we're thinking about her without getting her into direct trouble.

    Big hugs,

  3. I have no idea who you're talking about, but what a sad and abusive situation if the submissive would get in trouble because someone else, that she can't control, some outsider, posted their comments after reading her posts. Truly, this is not safe, sane or consensual.

    Renea, you were there once. You know what this is like. Just remind her that she always has a choice - always. Please tell her, for me, that Ownership does not entitle him to abuse her.

    Ownership merely gives him the privilege to love her.

  4. cutesy pah,

    I don't know if she's being abused or not. I did however, get the feeling she was perplexed over her Master's sudden retraining. I don't know if she would be punished because of something someone else posted on her blog. I know I have read such things on other blogs (not hers). However I am also concerned that she'll stop reading other people's blogs. Knowledge is power.

    I did reach out to her once before and told her that if she ever wanted to email me directly how to find my addy on my profile.

    All this said, I will try to contact her again. If only reinforce what we both know to be true and you stated it perfectly.


  5. Good for you Renea, without going into details, I thought the same as you,


  6. Dear Renea,

    One reason I am also quiet is that we don't see the whole picture. She shares parts and one cannot make any kind of assessment as to the full nature of the relationship based only on the parts she shares.

    It is unfortunate that those parts leave my spirit saddened and hurting and wanting to see evidence that her spirit is in fact respected. Held in high esteem and taken care of by her Master.

    When I am able to remove my emotions from her post I would wish to leave an intelligent question and or statement.

    I had not thought that leaving a comment could or would place her in his ill favor. I would certainly hope he is more intelligent a being. I will behave, until I have evidence other wise, that he posesses the intelligence to distinguish my words from her owning my words.

    Did that make sense?

    Oh and renea you made me blush with your kind words ~_^

    Oh and one more thing about who we are discussing. The fact that he lead her into this lifestyle and she did not seek it out makes me wonder how easily she is to be lead where she has no boundaries placed.



    *you and your Omega have fast become my number one place to visit* I truly love both of your spirits, self awareness, intelligence, kindness and humor ;)

  7. Renea,

    I although I am not sure about all the blogs to which you refer I know the main one and I too have questions about the health of that situation.

    As to your post I would come in as Omega did the answer is a simple no. I have said it before and I will again I think far to many Doms get involved in the lifestyle with no real idea as to what they want. With that as your basis it is all to easy to decide what you have isn't it. Even easier to blame the sub than to admit your own failings. I think this is in large part what is behind "retraining".

  8. Dear Renea,

    That blog has been removed.


  9. Denise, sin, and Sir J,

    I feel like shit about all this. She posted an update and I commented on it, it just seems to me that she's doing this just because she wants to keep her husband faithful. I think that's her underlying reason and everything else is just to please him. The comments like, I have nothing unless he gives it to me, calling her master "sir" in public because slaves aren't allowed to speak their owners names, or the notion that she could be given away...I just found it disturbing. I can only assume she got those ideas from her husband/master, but it's entirely possible those are just her personal thoughts, or her spin on his thoughts.

    I don't know. I didn't think she would shut her blog down and I feel terrible that she did. I hope she didn't because of what I wrote to her or here.

    There is really nothing else to say except that I feel like shit.


  10. Renea,

    One of the hardest things in life to do is let go. I am not comfortable with the situation, I hope we the community did not do something that hurt her. However in the end she must be responsible for her life, she does not have to do it all any request for help no matter how small and weak should be jumped upon. That request has to come from her.

    You have done what you can and should absolve yourself of feeling like shit. Feel bad for her if you wish but that is about her not you.


  11. Oh Dear Sweet Renea,

    I saw her update, briefly and I hoped to have a chance to revisit, but I was to late. I did not, however see your comment.

    Please be kinder to yourself; I see no reason for you to be unkind, you did nothing wrong. You have nothing to feel like shit about; not in the least. You offered her support, advice and friendship. She needs to reach out and accept.

    You never revealed her identity and those of us who where in the know also respected her privacy. No one was unkind nor disrespectful.

    The fact that the blog was closed does cause me great concern. Isolation is never good. She was also made to quit her job and that is a bit scary. It is her life, however and her lessons to learn. I just hope and will pray that she finds strength to seek help if she is in fact being abused.

    I hope that her family will be aware if her spirit and personality changes.

    You brought light to a sensitive subject. That took courage.

    With great respect,

  12. i know who you are talking about too, and i think you're a bitch for writing that. Who made you her judge? i think her Master is wonderful for taking time to retrain her.

  13. Renea,
    I think we were all well intentioned, but we don't really understand her situation do we? And we aren't likely to now unfortunately.

    I think that we imposed our values and our judgements on her, on their relationship, perhaps most of all on him.

    I think that her adoration of him, her willingness to do anything to please him, her subjugation alarmed us. But all those things are a kind of D/s that aren't mine but aren't inherently wrong.

    I was troubled by what I saw as a huge imbalance of power. But, that's what its all about isn't it? An imbalance of power.

    I also think that sometimes its hard to juggle a D/s relationship out in the open, under the glare of public scrutiny. Because it doesn't sound fair, doesn't sound right.

    Especially in a situation where things are changing for them. She may feel (or he may feel) more able to respond honestly to their situation without the rest of us expressing opinions.

    She did put stuff online, seeming to invite comments, and then apparently thought better of it and took it away. Hopefully it wasn't traumatic and she will put it back when she is ready to share her story again.

    I don't think anyone was being a bitch, with the possible exception of your anonymous writer.


  14. Although I am reticent to remark on this topic directly, I have asked renea to take a step back from this theme and her journal for a few days. I do not wish to moderate her writing, notwithstanding I remain torn between trying to assuage the upset she feels and protecting her. I know my lady's heart well. I know she meant no harm in what she wrote, her intent was not to upset or violate, and her folly was only in not appreciating the power of the written word.


  15. Omega, you need to buy a muzzle for your slave and beat some respect into her. the cunt needs 'moderating' and you have neglected your duties as a good Master by allowing her to get away with this.

  16. Dear Renea and Omega,

    I feel awful. How I see it Renea wrote an innocuous post and it was I in my comment who shined the light on one particular M/s relationship.

    I am sorry that I could not keep quiet and that you Renea have shouldered the brunt of negativity.

    Please remember that when one cannot be kind it is because of what they lack. Their negativity has NOTHING to do with the person for which they have aimed.

    Please forgive me for bringing this to your peaceful world.


  17. Dear Denise,

    All you did was join in the discussion renea started. You are guilty of nothing. There is nothing to forgive; however if you require it, it is heartily offered.

    It is not lost on renea or myself that your soul is kind, your intent was pure, and that should never be discouraged. Some left comments that I found offensive, and if it were just up to me they would be deleted. Renea however is abiding by my wishes and letting this pass. I am exceedingly proud of her.

    P.S. Being "picky" is an excellent quality when looking for someone to enter into a M/s relation with. It takes an abundant amount of trust in that individual that you choose to exchange power with. Please don't forget this.


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