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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

So, I'm blond

Omega asked me to put labels on my posts, so I did, I started labeling them. Is it my fault you have to go to customize and check a box that says show labels??????? Omega sent me an email early in the morning (like before I was even out of bed), asking "did I not request that you put labels on your journal enteries?"

I hit reply and said yes, and I did that, and think to myself, phhht, and he calls me blond. However I didn't actually check it. I just assumed since I post and add a word to that label area it would just show up. This led to several text messages between us while he sat in an airport (he'll be back tonight). Finally, I checked my blog and saw what he saw, instead of just assuming he had lost his nut. He was right. Half hour later the problem was fixed, just as his plane landed safely. Well, maybe that took a little longer.

Then I saw the comment Omega left on my blog. grrrrrrrrr

I didn't want to go here, I want to positive. I want to say submitting yourself to another is wonderful; the best frigging thing in the world.

I would be lying though. It's hard sometimes, like with my blog..MY blog or at least it was. I know he's doing this for my own good. I get it, I do...Omega only wants to protect me. I just wish I didn't need that kind of protecting. It's been really difficult lately....all this learning about my body crap and trying to have a real orgasm without wanting to vomit after.

I'm pissed off at alpha...I am beyond hurt. When Omega touches me and nothing happens, I feel so fucking broken. It's this reminder...this constant reminder. I know I had to tell him everything...I know it was right. And I'm angry at him for being so fucking willing to help!

I don't want to be submissive. I want scream just leave me the hell alone!


4 comments:

  1. Dear Mouse,

    What a gamit (sp) of emotions your journal was today. First I was enlightened. Then I laughed and lastly I cried. You moved me sweet mouse.

    Life is good and you will heal. I am sorry for the pain that you suffered with alpha. I am sorry for the pain that you will travel as you heal. Growing pain hurts.

    But I have to share that I LOL at "...phhht, and he calls me blond." thanks :)))

    Denise

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  2. there are 5 stages to the grief model and stage 2 is angry. I have said it before and I will say it now your strength amazes me.

    For the record the highest level of endearment a women can achieve in my life is to be considered high maintenance it is a compliment I will explain in a future blog.

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  3. many hugs and much love to you. Be please gentle with yourself. What you're doing is really difficult work.

    I'm concerned that you're trying to do this with only Omega's help. It will cause you to lash out at him for you will blame him for having to face your pain.

    You see, that's the importance of having a therapist, or sponsor, and one who is not a loved one. You WILL get mad at the therapist for causing you for pushing you to feel your emotions. In fact, I bet that's the reason you wanted to stop therapy was because you were feeling crappy, and were convinced it's because the therapist was crappy. I remember you feeling she was judgmental, when it was likely that you were feeling judgmental towards Alpha, and possibly Omega, so that you were probably projecting your feelings onto her.

    I'm really concerned that by using only Omega as your guide, it will negatively impact your relationship. Trust me, it happens whether you want it to or not - been there, done that, and got the shirt to prove it.

    as for the blond, when I did something silly, my ex-husband used to say, "your blond is showing," as I used to be a tow-head, white blond kid, who now has dark brown hair but dyes it red with blond streaks in the front.

    In fact, if I do something silly now, I just say that the peroxide must have affected my brain! LOL!

    hugs,
    cutesypah

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  4. Thank you everyone; your continued support for my mouse is touching to both of us. I am grateful she has such wonderful friends who show their support so unconditionally.

    Very sincerely,
    Omega

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