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Monday, September 14, 2009

Hope and fear

I write a lot of posts, most will NEVER see the light of day.  The thoughts are incomplete, I lost sight of the muse, the topic was depressing, or I just became distracted by something else.  Sometimes I'll start a topic and Omega will request that I write about something else.  I have to say he never reads those unpublished blogs, or if he has, he's never commented on them to me.  I write in those unpublished blogs, pages and pages of my unresolved feelings about Alpha.  I ponder within those pages what it was, what it never was, and what should never be.


On occasion, Omega requests that I write specifically about Alpha and I'll email him the post (as I always do unless instructed otherwise), and he will read it.  We will discuss it and it will remain maybe forever unpublished.  He understands that I need to keep parts of my life behind thick walls to protect myself and the fact that he's allowed in is enough for him.  


One topic I especially have trouble with is death.  I'm not one to proclaim my beliefs, or lack of them, certainly since I'm not militant about them.  However, I am an atheist, Omega on the other hand believes in god.  To me death is simply a biological process every carbon based living thing must endure.  From the smallest of insects to the Redwood trees in California.  To the fish in sea, and whales.  Life is a process.  We are born, hatched or sprouted, we live a determined amount of time, and we die.  Yet for humans with higher brain development the process is different.  We form close attachments to things and to people.  We are taught to hate and to love.  Primal emotions like fear are not taught but ingrained in our DNA, how we react to it I suspect is ingrained as well.  Other primal emotions are trust, joy, sadness, anticipation, anger, disgust and surprise these are emotions that we all have and are born with.  Babies and very young children show them.  As adults we try to control them but they are always there.  


Can you tell I'd rather not talk about death?  I'm not afraid of my own death.  I'm afraid of Omega dying.  Not that he's got any plans to anytime soon, but you never know.  I don't think Alpha planned on dying so young either.  Does anyone?  Omega does.  I don't like talking about a life without him in it.  He's a planner and likes to be sure his ducks in are neatly in a row and I should be grateful for that.  I told him I'll sign whatever he wants but I will not discuss it or even read it, as that seems too final for me.  Even now in just writing about this I'm trying distract myself from this task.  I pulled the skin off the keyboard and cleaned it, twice.  I've sent two text messages about happier things and answered an email.  


I can't resolve my feelings or fears, whether based in concrete reality or not, just as I can't resolve or compartmentalize all my emotions regarding Alpha.  Some remain as raw as the day I learned of his passing.  While others are nothing more than a blip.  


I don't want to think about how incredibly devastating it would be for me to lose Omega.  I can't.  I also can't guarantee that if I am faced with it I'll deal with it even then.  However, he demands that I do and I'll try.  I know if he demands shouldn't I just do it?  At least I'm honest when I say I'll try.   I know there is no "hope" in this.  "Hope" is a word I'm still trying to be friends with, but it is getting easier.

19 comments:

  1. I can not imagine losing a mate/partner/Dom/lover to death. I'm a feeler. I can be emotional at times. When my marriage ended I still felt like I lost something and found myself mourning... still do in fact...

    I wish you many happy years with your Dom!

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  2. I find comfort in the fact that if my lover was to die I truly believe he would end up with God. Perhaps that is part of your fear, you believe that death is final. I also think that you are a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for. If something was to happen to Omega, you would continue on, hard as it was. No one wants to think about losing the people that are most important but sometimes having a plan for 'just in case' can help ease things, just a little bit.

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  3. Gray,

    Omega said something similar to me this morning when he read the post. You and he are both right to me, death is final.

    Yes, again you're right that's why Omega is a planner. Really I do love the fact he cares enough to have that hard talk...And, it's not that I don't care enough to have it. It's that I just don't want to think about it.

    Omega noted that I contradict myself often...LMAO...that is a serious understatement.

    mouse

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  4. Death is never an easy subject and yet a necessary evil. I've experienced more death than I like to think about in my young life. In fact, fear of my own death causes such acute paranoia and anxiety that I've actually been told not to think about it since I cannot reconcile my fears. If I think about it too much, I doubt id ever leave the house.

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  5. I have never lost anyone close to me but having been in the medical field for awhile starting at the age of 18, i have seen many people die and had to learn how to deal with it. In college i took a course called death and dying, that explained the many different phases we go through when someone we love dies--such as grief and anger and denial. Every step is important in dealing with death but how we deal with each is unique.

    Wishing you many years with your Master mouse,
    hugs,
    ~briseis~

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  6. kitty!

    You poor thing...I can relate on a much more personal level than I'm ever willing to go into.

    mouse

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  7. I actually never worry about death for me - other than in a roundabout way and an obsession with leaving enough insurance money etc so my family won't suffer- definitely a bit fanatical on that one (due to personal experience with my careless, charming father).

    Frankly, I don't know what I think about "after" - I used to believe in god and don't but haven't completely reconciled myself to the big nothing.

    Probably the only deaths I've ever really worried myself sick about are those of my children. I don't think I would survive the death of one of my kids.

    Bottom line is that other than during a period when I was contemplating it, I don't think much about death as I guess the pragmatic selkie knows when our number comes up, it comes up.

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  8. briseis,

    It's funny (not funny ha ha but odd) one of the first posts I did was on that exact topic. Working through the 5 stages of grief and loss in regard to Alpha.

    It started with bargaining and denial then moved through, anger and depression. Acceptance was the longest and hardest to get to. And even writing it now it sounds silly...Of course I understood he was dead, but..I dunno.

    mouse

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  9. I think death is a difficult subject for most of us to deal with so I don't think you should feel you're unusual in that respect.

    FD

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  10. When Rachel died, I went into denial for years. I knew she was dead- logic told me this but logic wasnt connecting with my emotions. For years I still expected to see her places and if I saw someone that looked like her my heart would jump. Its like, emotionally , i thought her death was fake...one day she was going to say "surprise!" and give me some crazy reason as to why she had to fake her death. I even saw her in during the wake... but i still didnt accept it. it will be 11 years this October, and I still ache for her and hope its all just a cruel lie. Logic tells me this is stupid but, emotionally i still am in denial. I still dont think i've fully dealt with her death.

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  11. FAIR WARNING, LONG POST

    Mouse,

    I realize I know you less well than anyone here, but I thought I'd offer a suggestion. First let me tell you where I'm coming from.

    What I understand you to be saying is this. That you understand death is real and can't be avoided. You feel that thinking about it isn't going to empower you to do anything about it or change it's course and so you'd prefer to just be surprised by it should it ever happen. After all, it's going to happen eventually somehow, why torment yourself thinking about it? Omega on the other hand needs to feel some level of control, and I'm certain some level of confidence that you'll be all right without him.

    Here's my suggestion. See if Omega would be willing to leave you to fend for yourself if he knew you'd have lots of tools. I know, a bit counterintuitive considering, but that's what I did and I think it makes sense.

    Here's my example from experience. Recently, due to some very bad circumstances, my family was forced to begin the process of planning what to do without me as if I'd died. Now, when the Ladies looked over the finances they found half as much debt and over twice as much life insurance as they'd expected to find, with notes telling them what I suggested they do going forward. (IE, a note on the specific policy I'd bought to pay for college for the darling child explaining that that was it's intended purpose). Also notes pointing out that they would find no insurance designated to cover certain expenses because only I owed the debt, family was not in any way responsible or legally liable, and so the loan-maker was just screwed because all they could do would be to ruin the credit report of a dead guy (Certain credit cards that like to change their terms for no reason at all fell into this category.) Now let me be clear, there was enough money provided to pay those debts if that was what was easiest. I just wanted them to understand that it was optional from their perspective. I have made it clear that the funeral is up to them, because it's for them, but as far as I'm concerned they should just refuse to claim the body. However if they want something flashy there's a certain amount of insurance cash that's designated as "Their" money which is intended for them to just blow. If they want to buy a gold plated casket, so be it. They also know that, personally, I think they should take a cruise instead and just bury me in the paupers cemetary at city expense.

    See, I didn't need to tell them I was doubling up payments these last few years on the cards and car and so on, because why should I? Not their problem or responsibility, unless I die, in which case they could cash the insurance checks and pay the bills off so still no problem. I didn't discuss buying more life insurance because why should I, again, not their issue unless I die, and then they were taken care of. They trusted me to take care of them, and that was all they needed.

    Here's the other side. Now understand I cast no aspersions and make no inferences here, but Omega has to be able to trust you for this to work. I know my ladies are strong, smart women perfectly capable of being self sufficient, and moreover we HAVE discussed the issue enough to have come to understand that should something happen to me they expect to remain together as family. Together they're quite a force, so all I needed to do was empower them and get out of the way. A few directions, plenty of money, and a trustworthy insurance agent that knows our situation and can be counted on to get them the check is really all they need after I'm dead. I know they can do this without me, they just don't want to.

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  12. Part two

    Maybe if you discussed things in this light with Omega? Point out that you expect he has life insurance that will provide adequately for you financially and you clearly have the brains to make it on your own, coupled with his instructions and improvements right to the end (whenever that might come)and a therapist I presume he can instruct to continue dragging you into the office despite any protest should disaster strike again. I'm absolutely guessing obviously, but if you can show him you are both able and WILLING to go forward with some kind of joy even in the face of his loss, maybe he'll feel comfortable enough to let it ride.

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  13. selkie,

    I really don't spend a lot of time thinking about it, but if the topic is brought up, I just shut down and don't want to deal with it.

    mouse

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  14. Florida Dom Sir,

    Thanks for the reminder of that.

    mouse

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  15. kitty,
    I was that way when Alpha died, I would drive passed his house nearly everyday because that and work were the places I had the closest associations with him.

    When they took his name from the directory, I couldn't go into work. For weeks after I wouldn't go in through the main entrance, I would enter mail room.

    Strange isn't it?

    mouse

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  16. MagnusCattus Sir,

    Thank you for your detailed response, I agree with everything you wrote, and certainly appreciate the effort it took to write it out. He has taken many of those exact types of steps, explaining where to find this or that. Phone numbers etc., he just didn't want if it was sudden for me to be completely lost without direction.

    Still, I really didn't want to listen so he said he would write it all out and put it with the rest of the papers. Somehow it seems, reading it from someone else isn't as bad as hearing it from Omega.

    Thank you for your comment!

    mouse

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  17. I know how you feel. I don't worry too much about my own death, except where my family will be without me. And I'm terrified of losing my Master to death... I often feel like I can't go on without him, but deep inside I know I can... I just don't want to.

    Death is something I think about often. I'm weird that way... death fascinates me (not that I'm longing to get there or anything). It's just one of those phases in life that I find in a way kinda beautiful because from my perspective (and according to my beliefs) it's not an end, but a new start to another phase of life. Kinda like the butterfly emerging from its cocoon.

    Still for those who are left behind it's never easy. We still have to learn to live without the one we loved... and I suppose I can see where Omega is coming from because I deal with the fear of leaving my family behind often. I'm the one who keeps the house in order, I'm the one who sees to my daughter's homeschooling, I'm the one who takes care of the finances (Master is horrible at finances... just ask him, he'll tell you), so I worry about what will happen to them if something were to happen to me.

    So often I try to get him to sit down with me so I can teach him how to budget and show him how I take care of all the stuff I do... it would just make me feel more at ease if I knew he could handle things without me, but he's just too damned stubborn. I suppose I just have to trust that if it comes to that he will find a way.

    I don't really think it's about thinking about the possibility of losing the ones we love, though. I think it's just important that we make ourselves prepared for the eventuality, just in case, so that we don't have to think about it.

    ~spirited

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  18. I was always afraid of death, and dying, until I watched my father's body die. He was diagnosed with lung cancer which moved to his brain. He had days where he didn't know who he was, or what he was doing. then he would have moments when he was his old self. We took him in the hospital when Mom couldn't make him understand how to take a drink of water, and how to swallow his medicine.

    the next day, he told Mom he was going to take a nap and fell into a coma. For the next five days, I watched his body die. The hospices nurses and doctors were able to identify and explain each stage of death. The people that work in hospice are truly angels among us.

    My mother, my son and I were all there when my dad took his last breath. It really was a special moment, one I do not regret having experienced. From that time on, I am no longer afraid to die. My son is also very glad to have been there to experience it. He is no longer afraid of dying either.

    To me, it became just like a process of giving birth. He simply left to live and be born somewhere else.

    Until I witnessed this, I was petrified of death. I understand your fears and confusion.

    hugs to you.
    cp

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