I write a lot of posts, most will NEVER see the light of day. The thoughts are incomplete, I lost sight of the muse, the topic was depressing, or I just became distracted by something else. Sometimes I'll start a topic and Omega will request that I write about something else. I have to say he never reads those unpublished blogs, or if he has, he's never commented on them to me. I write in those unpublished blogs, pages and pages of my unresolved feelings about Alpha. I ponder within those pages what it was, what it never was, and what should never be.
On occasion, Omega requests that I write specifically about Alpha and I'll email him the post (as I always do unless instructed otherwise), and he will read it. We will discuss it and it will remain maybe forever unpublished. He understands that I need to keep parts of my life behind thick walls to protect myself and the fact that he's allowed in is enough for him.
One topic I especially have trouble with is death. I'm not one to proclaim my beliefs, or lack of them, certainly since I'm not militant about them. However, I am an atheist, Omega on the other hand believes in god. To me death is simply a biological process every carbon based living thing must endure. From the smallest of insects to the Redwood trees in California. To the fish in sea, and whales. Life is a process. We are born, hatched or sprouted, we live a determined amount of time, and we die. Yet for humans with higher brain development the process is different. We form close attachments to things and to people. We are taught to hate and to love. Primal emotions like fear are not taught but ingrained in our DNA, how we react to it I suspect is ingrained as well. Other primal emotions are trust, joy, sadness, anticipation, anger, disgust and surprise these are emotions that we all have and are born with. Babies and very young children show them. As adults we try to control them but they are always there.
Can you tell I'd rather not talk about death? I'm not afraid of my own death. I'm afraid of Omega dying. Not that he's got any plans to anytime soon, but you never know. I don't think Alpha planned on dying so young either. Does anyone? Omega does. I don't like talking about a life without him in it. He's a planner and likes to be sure his ducks in are neatly in a row and I should be grateful for that. I told him I'll sign whatever he wants but I will not discuss it or even read it, as that seems too final for me. Even now in just writing about this I'm trying distract myself from this task. I pulled the skin off the keyboard and cleaned it, twice. I've sent two text messages about happier things and answered an email.
I can't resolve my feelings or fears, whether based in concrete reality or not, just as I can't resolve or compartmentalize all my emotions regarding Alpha. Some remain as raw as the day I learned of his passing. While others are nothing more than a blip.
I don't want to think about how incredibly devastating it would be for me to lose Omega. I can't. I also can't guarantee that if I am faced with it I'll deal with it even then. However, he demands that I do and I'll try. I know if he demands shouldn't I just do it? At least I'm honest when I say I'll try. I know there is no "hope" in this. "Hope" is a word I'm still trying to be friends with, but it is getting easier.