Wednesday, September 16, 2009
What this means to me
I've thought about this a lot lately why I blog, or journal or whatever term you want to use, and there is no reason I can think of why I would put myself out there like this. Omega first suggested it to me months ago and I actually started this blog in April around the anniversary of Alpha's death, all those posts were never published. They contained much personal, potentially identifying information and I just didn't want them out there. But it helped me to find my voice, my style of what I wanted to say and how I should go about saying it.
My blog is fluid. If I'm happy the blog post is, and if I'm sad or distressed for whatever the reason, the post that day will be. If I'm feeling introspective, the post will be soul searching for answers. I'm human, and this is only venue I can just be who I am. In the real world I have to smile, laugh, nod knowingly, work, and do all those things everyone must do. If I'm happy or sad, it doesn't matter because I have work to do, which must be done. In other words I have to suck it up and smile. Some days I just don't want to suck it up and smile or deal. I want to be a bitch. I want to tell the world to fuck off. At home I belong to Omega, and sometimes I don't want to deal with him either. We have nights where we say NOTHING to each other at all. It's like we know our moods are just not capable and we stay out of each others way. This doesn't happen often but it has and I've blogged about.
Within the pages of this blog I'm allowed to talk about my true self, the whole me, flaws and all. The nights we stay out of our way and the nights we play and love. I don't have to just suck it up and smile but voice my joys, concerns, fears, and delve into my past. Sometimes the faucet is turned on full blast like yesterday's post, where violent reminders came flooding back. Yes, I have triggers, but not as many as I used to have.
Last night Omega came home from work, snuck up behind me while I was rushing to prepare dinner (we had an event we had to attend), he wrapped his arms around me, and showed me a large bouquet of flowers. It made my day. I turned and looked into his eyes and saw buried in them the concern. He worries about me. He wrote in his own blog, how much it pains him to see me like this. He knows he can't do it for me. If he could, he would have already.
What he does is make sure that my path is clear of mud puddles my feet can get stuck in, fallen tree branches, wild animals that might want to do me any type of harm--he offers to me his protection while I travel on this path. He knows that I work through these issues on my own, in my own way and on my own terms. It must be that way for us. He can't do it for me. I have to want it for myself.
Last night after we returned home after we went through our evening routines and rituals, we talked, at first I didn't want to. I get tired of it, but he pressed, not forced, but continued pressing the issue. Then he left the room and I heard my cell phone ring. It was Omega. After learning he was in the bedroom upstairs we started talking and somehow I found it easier to talk to him on the phone. I told him things in a way I hadn't before. The phone kept me grounded, because I guess he wasn't looking at me. I found my voice, like the keyboard finds my words--it was so easy.
Then I walked upstairs ready to more or less to face him and continue. I climbed onto the bed and he gathered me up, holding me, gently soothing me but most of all listening to me. He didn't judge or tell me I was wrong or right. He didn't mention Alpha's name. He just listened. When I was done finally, then it was his turn to talk. He told me everything I needed to hear at that moment. Everything including some stuff I didn't want to hear but needed to hear. Finally it was so late, we were both exhausted. I just fell asleep next to him cradled and safe in his arms and my last thought before I drifted off was that I don't ever want to lose this feeling. I felt so complete.
When I go out into the darkness Omega's my flashlight and he is my shelter in the storm.
I dunno what today will bring but the sun is shining and I have those very pretty flowers on my table. It can't be that bad.