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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Under Pressure

I'm not even sure how to begin this post.  There are times, though unintentional, Master will give me a task to complete and I can't help but to feel pressured by it. It's like an added weight I don't want.  I know he would say prioritize and that work should come first but I can't help but to feel at the end of the day that I have failed somehow.  I have failed myself and my Master.  

I know that life sometimes just opens a can of whoop ass on everyone and I'm no exception.  Yet, I feel this almost uncontrolled anxiety over a silly task and he has no idea, well, he does now, but at the time of me spilling this he has no clue.  I'm not blaming him because we haven't discussed this in a while and he's usually careful but the tasks continue to mount.  

Monday he gave me a task to perform (in addition to other duties), I completed one of my regular tasks and put the rest including Master's new task off.  Then Tuesday, in addition to that one task from Monday there was a new extra task, and all the Tuesday tasks plus the Monday tasks I didn't get to.  Still a mountain of "real" work to do.  I felt overwhelmed.  I felt anxious.  I feel the striking need to complete everything and be super slave.  The problem is I couldn't.  

I feel that if Master tells me to do something I should be able to complete it, otherwise he would have never told me to.  Right? When I don't.  I feel I have failed, and can't help that feeling.  Yesterday I worked my ass off to get everything accomplished and still only got so far, today there is more to do.  More new tasks, and more regular tasks and still a mountain of work.  


I feel like I'm drowning in an ever-growing to do list.  I'm not complaining (well, maybe a little) and I don't expect that Master will let up on the task assignments and I'm really not asking that he do that.  I'm just venting my frustrations and pressures I'm feeling, the anxiety I feel over everything right and the overwhelming need to fix everything.  To be super slave, in a cape and stilettos.  The person that does without so much as a peep and somehow makes it all happen.


I envy those women.

7 comments:

  1. *hugs you* Take deep breathes. I am positive he understands that life happens and sometimes it is hard to get everything done. Things will get done.

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  2. mousie- I feel your pain, hun- that feeling of being totally overwhelmed, then being mad at yourself for FEELING that way- not to talk about not finding enough hours in the day to do what you THINK you should do. Sweetie, give yourself a break - we truly can only do so much and it has NOTHING to do with our competetence or abilities but simple realities of time.

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  3. Baby steps. Break 'em down into pieces and chip away at them. With occasional breaks for going outside to scream and kick something like a shed door. (VERY satisfactory noise those make!)

    And when you do get caught up, I'm sure we'd all enjoy photos of Super Slave (in cape and stilettos) ;-)

    Chin up, sweetie. We're here to catch you.

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  4. *hugs*

    super slave is a figment of someone's overactive fantasy life, and i am sure that, when Omega reads this, y'all will have a discussion and things will feel more settled even if nothing changes.

    Strange how that sometimes works, isn't it?

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  5. Thanks everyone! I'll update everyone on how the day went today, in tomorrow's blog.

    mouse

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  6. I understand your feelings. I can only agree with the others, (although I do not always take my own advice). Baby steps, one thing at a time, it will come together.

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  7. I agree with schiave... that super slave is a myth. Maybe there should be a comic about her.

    I know exactly how you feel, though. There are days when I feel like I've totally let my Master down because I couldn't do what was asked of me. The thing is... he never actually was. He understands I'm human and that I can only do so much.

    Can't wait to hear how things turned out.

    *hugs*

    spirited

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