The other day Vesta wrote in response to this post:
mouse: May I ask, did you feel at all comforted? Did not being able to speak morph into anything more than frustration and punishment?
Did you have any transformative thoughts? That's quite a long time to spend with just the workings of your mind (save when you asked permission to talk) and I am wondering if, in fact, it had a sort of healing/calming quality to it.
Wow and that is one big question! When I wrote the post I was just thinking about getting through what happened, working through those feelings but it was after it was up, and I started thinking more about it I started to think about how it felt. First, to know me I'm really talkative. So not talking really kinda agitated me. But as time passed especially when he wouldn't acknowledge my hand raising, I was left with my thoughts. Once I got passed all the anger and pissy feelings I was having I started to think about the why. Why he did was punishing me and why this?
It struck me that he was doing it because he expected more from me than I was giving, more than I thought maybe I was capable of. I knew I was wrong, but I didn't really wrap my head around how wrong I was and how hurt he was by the whole thing until he took away my voice. Certainly I could have talked, but that would have been breaking his rule and I didn't want that. I wanted him to be proud of me and it was hurting badly knowing that he wasn't.
I had a long time to think about my life and all the changes I've been through and how despite or because of it all I'm better with him than I ever was without him. The realization that I was so deeply special to him and I had hurt him very badly with that simple betrayal, hit me and I felt the world crumble. I crumbled and wanted so badly just make it right. I wanted to tell him everything I was feeling in that moment, how I understood and how, naturally sorry I was. I couldn't though because he wouldn't allow it, he wouldn't let me talk. It really deepened my submission though, because there was no angry in his eyes, or frustration, I just the care that's always been there. Even when he's frustrated its there. Even when I frustrate him.
I stopped asking to talk and just listened, to his tone, the sound of his voice, and closed my eyes, thinking I never wanted to be without him. Maybe my other senses were heightened a little bit because I noticed more things about him than maybe I hadn't before. Maybe all the talking and chatter distracted me from seeing him? I mean I see him all the time, I've seen him for years, I know his character, and I know him...but this was different. I paid attention and realized I had somewhere along the way I had stopped. Maybe I took him for granted a bit, but whatever the reason I stopped seeing him.
When it was over, I thanked him and I meant it.
Thanks for asking this question vesta. This was actually something Master and I hadn't talked about. We had talked about the punishment in general, the scene, but we never really discussed my feelings about being left silent.