I think. I feel. I am. The I that begins each has power, and it's hard to understand it unless you've had your I taken away. There are many forms of objectification in this lifestyle but none to me was more difficult than the removal of my "I". I was reduced in that moment to not being a person, to nearly not existing and it wasn't just when Alpha was around, it found its way into my everyday speech as well. For years even after his death I refused to acknowledge the I.
When I reread Anthem, I suddenly found value in the word; I related to that story on such a deep level. The book empowered me, and made me realize what I was missing, what I needed, and what I felt.
I took the chance and started using it again, no one really noticed, as it is common to say, I feel shitty today or happy or whatever. For years it was more," what a crappy day." The words "I" and "feel" were never allowed together by Alpha. I could make references but not directly mention my feelings. Likewise with the word, "think," was similarly banned from use, since I was not allowed to think; something reserved for higher creatures. Though he was allowed to both think and feel.
In the beginning it was fun, and I gotta admit it was like a word game, trying to replace I with this one, or she, but after a while it became very limiting and tedious. It wasn't easy, but it also was something Alpha wanted, and after all they're just words. However, overtime it seemed that I lost me. I didn't exist and was replaced. Oddly enough, I didn't mourn that loss the way seem to now, but at the time had no idea what it meant to lose the word I.
Yet, many Masters get a little ego boost I imagine controlling their slave's speech pattern, Omega is no exception. I'm not allowed to say to him, for example, have a nice day, since simply put, it's more of a command. So is the "be safe, " or "drive carefully," but these I don't mind so much, since the essence can be shared by adding a couple extra words, such as, I hope your day is good. Or even please drive carefully, flies often under the radar, because I'm not telling him to, but rather asking.
So, ya, I still play the word game, however all this said, I gotta admit it does one thing to me, it really does further my submission. It makes me think twice about each word that comes out of my mouth, and makes me now really pause. My words or lack of them, reminds me of my place, but without reducing me to that of an object.
Last night in bed, listening to the wind howl Master and I engaged in a little pillow talk, while wrapped up in his arms he asked me how I felt about 3rd person speech and I thought for so long he thought maybe I fell asleep while pondering. At last I gathered my words and tried to explain my thoughts on the subject, but so often my words fail me. I can't always explain myself in an adequate fashion when I most need to. Of course having a Master with an abundance of patience is helpful, since he gave me time to say what I needed to say without interruption or conjecture. I tried hard to explain how difficult it was to wrap my head around how much I need the word I in my vocabulary. Master of course understood the value I placed on the word, and really let the matter drop but I'm finding it difficult to let go.
Even last night as I tossed and turned thinking and rolling over in my mind if I could abandon I again. What if Master required it of me? Could I do that and if not would I have a choice? I believe with slavery, each command is choice to further your submission or not. The more they take, the more you lose, and yet at the same time, the more you get what you need. Will my use of "I" vanish? I don't know, perhaps it could, but I know it wouldn't be taken from me lightly without any considering or discussion, and that is something, this mouse must trust. After all, she has her Master's word on that subject.