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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The power of I

I think.  I feel.  I am.  The I that begins each has power, and it's hard to understand it unless you've had your I taken away.  There are many forms of objectification in this lifestyle but none to me was more difficult than the removal of my "I".    I was reduced in that moment to not being a person, to nearly not existing and it wasn't just when Alpha was around, it found its way into my everyday speech as well.  For years even after his death I refused to acknowledge the I.  


When I reread Anthem, I suddenly found value in the word; I related to that story on such a deep level.  The book empowered me, and made me realize what I was missing, what I needed, and what I felt.   


I took the chance and started using it again, no one really noticed, as it is common to say, I feel shitty today or happy or whatever.  For years it was more," what a crappy day."  The words "I" and "feel" were never allowed together by Alpha.  I could make references but not directly mention my feelings.  Likewise with the word, "think," was similarly banned from use, since I was not allowed to think; something reserved for higher creatures.  Though he was allowed to both think and feel


In the beginning it was fun, and I gotta admit it was like a word game, trying to replace I with this one, or she, but after a while it became very limiting and tedious.  It wasn't easy, but it also was something Alpha wanted, and after all they're just words. However, overtime it seemed that I lost me.  I didn't exist and was replaced.  Oddly enough, I didn't mourn that loss the way seem to now, but at the time had no idea what it meant to lose the word I.  


Yet, many Masters get a little ego boost I imagine controlling their slave's speech pattern, Omega is no exception.  I'm not allowed to say to him, for example, have a nice day, since simply put, it's more of a command.  So is the "be safe, " or "drive carefully," but these I don't mind so much, since the essence can be shared by adding a couple extra words, such as, I hope your day is good.  Or even please drive carefully, flies often under the radar, because I'm not telling him to, but rather asking.  


So, ya, I still play the word game, however all this said, I gotta admit it does one thing to me, it really does further my submission.  It makes me think twice about each word that comes out of my mouth, and makes me now really pause.  My words or lack of them, reminds me of my place, but without reducing me to that of an object. 


Last night in bed, listening to the wind howl Master and I engaged in a little pillow talk, while wrapped up in his arms he asked me how I felt about 3rd person speech and I thought for so long he thought maybe I fell asleep while pondering.  At last I gathered my words and tried to explain my thoughts on the subject, but so often my words fail me.  I can't always explain myself in an adequate fashion when I most need to.  Of course having a Master with an abundance of patience is helpful, since he gave me time to say what I needed to say without interruption or conjecture.  I tried hard to explain how difficult it was to wrap my head around how much I need the word I in my vocabulary.  Master of course understood the value I placed on the word, and really let the matter drop but I'm finding it difficult to let go.  


Even last night as I tossed and turned thinking and rolling over in my mind if I could abandon I again.   What if Master required it of me?  Could I do that and if not would I have a choice?  I believe with slavery, each command is choice to further your submission or not.  The more they take, the more you lose, and yet at the same time,  the more you get what you need.  Will my use of "I" vanish?  I don't know, perhaps it could, but I know it wouldn't be taken from me lightly without any considering or discussion, and that is something, this mouse must trust.  After all, she has her Master's word on that subject.

8 comments:

  1. Your issues are much more complicated than mine. I also sense you are in much better hands now.

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  2. *big hugs* I swear you are the strongest woman I've ever known.

    I hate 3rd person. Granted it does the same for me... puts me in a more submissive state of mind and makes me think about what I say before saying it. But I hate it...

    Master makes me refer to myself in the third person when we are alone and I'm in "slave mode"... as in I'm serving him or completely focused on him and his needs, or when we're "playing", but other than that I don't have to.

    I honestly don't think I could handle having to do it all the time. It would make me feel sub-human and Master said he wouldn't make me do it all the time. Just when he wants me in "that space". So I can live with that (like I have a choice).

    Funnily enough, though, I do it all the time with Tornado... referring to myself as "Mommy" instead of saying "I". I kind of adopted that from my mom, I think. She used to do it with us.

    spirited

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  3. I can't, of course, comment on your feelings or thoughts on this issue, but I will attempt to explain my own...I don't know, maybe as an ego boost for me, who knows?

    Padrone doesn't require third person speech from me. It would drive HIM crazy to monitor, as well as to listen to all the time, as much as it would drive *me* crazy to speak in such a manner. I do admire those who can do so and still be coherent, something that few actually do in my experience.

    However, in times when I feel deeply emotional - submissive, or loving, or grateful, or whatever - I find myself slipping into that mode of speech naturally. It seems to express the moment better, for me. There are times when less of *me* or *I* just simply IS, and third person speech is a very effective means of expressing it.

    I still am, however. And Padrone no more wishes for me to live as if I am not important, as I wish to live that way, in general. So the third person speaking is one of those things that I do when it seems appropriate to express what I am feeling, and since it is something which is offered above what is required of me, Padrone values it highly and understands its meaning to me as well.

    *hugs* Just talking, your post kind of made me rethink this issue, because I've always kind of wondered why I slipped into that mode of speaking now and then...I think i realize why pretty clearly now. Thanks, mouse!

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  4. When I was just getting into the lifestyle I briefly had a Dom who controlled my speech. It was a struggle for me.

    Hugs,
    kitten

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  5. so happy you wrote this post! Thank you for your thoughts and feelings on this matter!!! *big hugs*

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  6. Your thoughts bring much to the surface. As always thank you for that, reminding me that submissivenes, or in broader strokes, femininity is an art to be practiced.

    There is one gentleman who likes the idea of third-person speech when speaking. Uppercase/lowercase thing and the W/w thing when writing. I am not sure if I find this frustrating or frightening - perhaps a little of both because I forget sometimes to do it. Also because I do not feel it, I am doing it at the request of another, not because it is my reality.

    As to the asking instead of tell/directing. That takes me to my desire to be cordial and considerate, not rude and harsh as a matter of course. The coarsening of society has reduced discourse to a series of barked orders with common courtesy flying out of the window.

    I think you offer a good practical example of the art of extra gentle speech when speaking to your dominant partner. It is something to be admired and emulated. Yes, it can serve as a reminder to respect and acknowledge his place as well as internal mental speed bumps to ensure awareness.

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  7. lots to say on this... like you, I read vesta's first and then I came across yours. Mouse, I'm not going to go into a book- I think this requires my own blog _ LOL - but the long and short of it is I am a passionate believer in the "I". I don't believe ANY healthy ego can sustain a lack thereof - in a scene, for fun occasionally, yes, but the root of the human psyche requires an acceptance, tolerance and trust in the "I" -

    .... more to come but I have to think this through.

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