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Friday, November 20, 2009

Why is it so hard to do the Right thing? (revised again)

I struggle with this on a daily basis and for the life of me do not understand why it's such an issue.  Master has given me guidelines to follow and you know for the most part they're easy!  But there's one that's really hard for me it seems.  It's the mind your own business one.  Time and time again I snagged by this; I put my foot in it each time.  Each time, Omega has punished me with a warning that next time the punishment will be harsher.  

I accept it, but it's not helping me change.  To me, its like a train wreck I just can't turn away from.  I can't say to someone, no I don't want to know.  Instead I say of course I want to know.  Tell me!  And, with bated breath I listen and savor whatever gossip the person has to share.  I could simply blame society and say it's their fault with the constant preoccupation with celebrity, but that's just not true. I guess the difference between news, and personal life, is a camera, but I don't want to believe that.  

I struggle with this, and say yes when I should say no.  Doing the right thing is never easy.   We all want the nasty bits, it's why we blog and why we read blogs.  The dirt, the angst, the little voyeuristic pieces we glob onto and whisper or forward.   Omega hates it, and despises often that I participate.  He's tried many ways of getting through to me, to demonstrate the nature and character he wants me to display and I sometimes just let him down.  

Someone told me something that Master had told them in confidence, and I knew I shouldn't be listening, and that if he wanted me to know, I would be told it by him.  I couldn't stop myself from that little bit of gossip.  I couldn't hold myself back and say no, don't tell me, I don't want to know. Truth is, deep down, I did want to know and was more than a little pissed that it seemed to me again I'd been left out of the loop.  

In the cold morning light none of that matters.  All my ideas and self validations fell flat with the truth and even when presented with a choice, I chose wrong -- I chose easy over right.  I didn't tell Master about knowing it, but instead he found out another way, when it was casually mentioned to him by that other person.  Master was furious and rightfully so because I knew better, the other person made a mistake by telling, but I made a bigger one by listening.  I willfully broke a rule.  

I disappointed him.

**At first Omega wasn't sure if I should continue blogging but after coffee this morning decided my blog wasn't the problem--So I'm fairly certain I'll be back****