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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

To Live Without You Would Only Be Heartbreak For Me

Ya, it's a line from the song, "I Say A Little Prayer," which I remember from when I was a kid and thought how sappy. Only now I feel different.  


So many emotions have washed over me with that tidal wave that struck my life not a week ago and until yesterday I was full of total uncertainty.  I attended the funeral mass for my friend's dad and we had a reception in Italian tradition, at my house because ironically there was no room for her in the inns she called.  Everyone was booked for parties.  It's the holiday season after all.  


I haven't sat in a church for well it must be well over a decade, but as I sat and listened to the priest I reflected on my life with Omega, and I suddenly had a moment, epiphany of total clarity, where suddenly a lot made sense.  I remained quiet about it throughout the day, and pondered it only after getting into bed that night.  While I don't believe in a god or even a higher power, I do believe in love and I do say a little prayer, not in that born again way, but in my way.  


Each night since he left without thinking about it, I've lit a candle in my entryway, because it faces the street and can be seen from the outside.  I hadn't done this for years, not since living in California, and then I did for him also.  I hoped then he would find his way, because he was going through such a difficult time in his life. I didn't love him then the way I do now, but I cared a good deal for him.  I thought about him at that time, not wanting help, not believing he needed it, but he did.  I shined that light until I felt he was lost, blocked from seeing it, and then one day I ran out of candles.  


This time I'm not letting him go so easily and keeping that candle lit and a supply on hand!  

7 comments:

  1. I grew up in a home where we attended church weekly. As an adult I found myself pull away and only attend once in a blue moon. I still find myself praying daily, but I'm not a holy roller. Faith is just a comforting part of my life...

    Hugs,
    kitten

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  2. he is a lucky man to have the love of a woman like you and I believe in my soul he knows that and will fight to get back to you. A little light can only help.

    Let me know if you find one day you need a match.

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  3. I've got lots of candles and matches you can have if you need 'em.

    hug,
    Jz

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  4. The candles are a great help, I think... but I don't know if he really needs them. Not when he's got your love shining like a beacon. I really believe he'll find his way back to you.

    *hugs*

    spirited

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  5. *hugs* My thoughts are with you both.

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  6. Mouse,
    I say a prayer in my way for the two of you. Strength and peace.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree, there's something about candles that says so much, without saying anything in words. and this is the season of Advent, the journey from darkness into light.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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