To Live Without You Would Only Be Heartbreak For Me

Ya, it's a line from the song, "I Say A Little Prayer," which I remember from when I was a kid and thought how sappy. Only now I feel different.  


So many emotions have washed over me with that tidal wave that struck my life not a week ago and until yesterday I was full of total uncertainty.  I attended the funeral mass for my friend's dad and we had a reception in Italian tradition, at my house because ironically there was no room for her in the inns she called.  Everyone was booked for parties.  It's the holiday season after all.  


I haven't sat in a church for well it must be well over a decade, but as I sat and listened to the priest I reflected on my life with Omega, and I suddenly had a moment, epiphany of total clarity, where suddenly a lot made sense.  I remained quiet about it throughout the day, and pondered it only after getting into bed that night.  While I don't believe in a god or even a higher power, I do believe in love and I do say a little prayer, not in that born again way, but in my way.  


Each night since he left without thinking about it, I've lit a candle in my entryway, because it faces the street and can be seen from the outside.  I hadn't done this for years, not since living in California, and then I did for him also.  I hoped then he would find his way, because he was going through such a difficult time in his life. I didn't love him then the way I do now, but I cared a good deal for him.  I thought about him at that time, not wanting help, not believing he needed it, but he did.  I shined that light until I felt he was lost, blocked from seeing it, and then one day I ran out of candles.  


This time I'm not letting him go so easily and keeping that candle lit and a supply on hand!