The candle is lit. I have no clue what will happen when he does finally come home. I got to see him yesterday for a little bit, and that was nice. He seemed happy relaxed and really calm. I wasn't; I was a bundle of raw nerves and felt like I was being put under a microscope. O (by way of Confucius) would tell me, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a step.
No doubt in my mind the world is a shitty place. We live and exist in a world in motion, where innocence is lost and the ability to trust is shattered. I dunno if my ability to trust Omega is gone forever. I guess time will tell. I'm just pretty fucking angry that I'm the one expected to hold everything together. I know he needs this, I really do; but I have to clean up after him in the biggest of ways. I'm mentally drained my nerves are raw and exposed. My problem is I need to keep moving forward and keep my eye on the goal.
I don't know what will happen when he comes home, what instructions his therapist will have or if Omega would follow them. I'm afraid that if he doesn't do what the therapist wants, I'll have to leave him because then I'l know that I can't trust him. I can't listen to him say that he can handle it, when he's shown that he can't. I'm scared that he'll come home and slowly return the way it was. I can't live with that either. We can't go back in time or have a do-over. It's like each moment of your life, you have really only one chance to do the right thing. If don't do it then, life will just kick your ass for each time you failed. It accumulates like rain, and is measured.
Maybe it is all my fault, maybe he looked for someone else because I couldn't give him what he wanted or needed. I know I'm not normal sexually, and I guess more broken than I thought I was. I can take responsibility for that and try harder to change it. The only other question is, will he take responsibility for the rest?