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Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm tired of crying

The candle is lit.  I have no clue what will happen when he does finally come home.    I got to see him yesterday for a little bit, and that was nice.  He seemed happy relaxed and really calm.  I wasn't; I was a bundle of raw nerves and felt like I was being put under a microscope.  O (by way of Confucius) would tell me, a journey of a thousand miles begins with  a step.  


No doubt in my mind the world is a shitty place. We live and exist in a world in motion, where innocence is lost and the ability to trust is shattered.  I dunno if my ability to trust Omega is gone forever.  I guess time will tell.  I'm just pretty fucking angry that I'm the one expected to hold everything together.  I know he needs this, I really do; but I have to clean up after him in the biggest of ways.  I'm mentally drained my nerves are raw and exposed.  My problem is I need to keep moving forward and keep my eye on the goal.  


I don't know what will happen when he comes home, what instructions his therapist will have or if Omega would follow them.  I'm afraid that if he doesn't do what the therapist wants, I'll have to leave him because then I'l know that I can't trust him.  I can't listen to him say that he can handle it, when he's shown that he can't.   I'm scared that he'll come home and slowly return the way it was.  I can't live with that either.  We can't go back in time or have a do-over.  It's like each moment of your life, you have really only one chance to do the right thing.  If don't do it then, life will just kick your ass for each time you failed.  It accumulates like rain, and is measured. 


Maybe it is all my fault, maybe he looked for someone else because I couldn't give him what he wanted or needed.  I know I'm not normal sexually, and I guess more broken than I thought I was.  I can take responsibility for that and try harder to change it.  The only other question is, will he take responsibility for the rest?




10 comments:

  1. You may bear the consequences, but not the blame. He is the one responsible for making every single choice he makes.

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  2. STOP blaming yourself. It has taken me many years to understand the TRUTH of that; we are NOT to blame when they fuck up, plain and simple. We did NOT fail. We did NOT screw up. It was THEIR screw up, NOT ours. If there were issues, then they should have been brought up and addressed; that is what balanced, healthy adults do.

    I feel for you mouse, but do not turn it around and start shouldering what is HIS issue.

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  3. *hugs*

    It's not your fault that he went to someone else at all. Sex addiction isn't about the sex remember? Ummm... I have a few more things to say, but I think I'll do it privately.

    Just hang in there!

    spirited

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  4. I am sorry you are going through this, but it is not YOUR fault. You may have to deal with the consequences of his actions, but you are not responsible for them. You are responsible only for your own choices. This has not happened because of the way you are, this has happenend because of the way he is.
    You are not broken. Please, stop looking at yourself as if you are inadequate in some way. You are not. You have far greater strength and insight than you give yourself credit for. You do have a gut feeling on what is right and good for you, please start listening to it! Julia

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  5. I think greengirl said it well. You may bear the consequences but don't blame yourself.

    I wish I could offer good advice here but I really don't know anything about your situation, or rather his situation. And even if I did, the decisions, the feelings would all need to come from the two of you.

    I do wish you luck though. And streangth and courage and love.

    sin

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  6. Not, NOT, NOT your fault, miz mouse!
    Nor are you broken. You were damaged and you're not quite done patching yourself up, yes. But no one who reads your blog doubts how incredibly strong you are. We've all watched you pull yourself together and move forward. YOU, mouse. Omega helped you, yes, but you did all the work. Broken things can't do that.

    Now it's his turn. And unfortunately, this leaves you in the totally sucky position of not knowing where things are going. But you didn't create the situation so don't go taking any blame for it.

    You've each got a tough row to hoe. All you can do is to concentrate on yours and leave his to him, and hope you end up in the same place at the end. And know we're behind you all the way.

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  7. Nothing to say that hasn't already been said. Thinking of you, and Omega, and sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

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  8. I'm playing catch-up on my reading. I've made attempts the past few days only to get dragged into work related issues ate up all my time. First off, It's not your fault mouse. You are not the one with the issue, however you are wrapped up in the grief of it all because your relationship appears to have suffered a major bump. I don't know the whole story, but I am trying to gather the bits and pieces you left in your posts. I'm sorry you are hurting! I know how difficult it can be when a trust is broken. Please know that you are in my thoughts! I sincerely hope and pray that things will heal themselves and that all will be well in your life.

    Love,
    kitten

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  9. mouse, I am aware I am an outsider looking in. With that said though I wish to say reading this entry only shows just how far you and Omega have come and all that you two have endured to survive both as individuals and as a couple. Relationships require work and dedication, especially in the hardest and most challenging of times. We make mistakes, we error and if we are fortunate we find the courage to take responsibility and provide forgiveness.

    Being together does not mean you never fail each other or yourself, it means you find the strength to tolerate, to accept and to embrace rather than pull away.

    Thank you for sharing such raw intimacy.

    ~cockdoll

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