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Sunday, December 13, 2009


I got drunk last night, so very unlike me.  I'm fuzzy even still after several cups of coffee and hours awake.

O's therapist called me and asked if I can come in tomorrow (Monday) and again on Thursday for two counseling sessions with O.  To say I'm nervous about it is an understatement.  I have a list of questions to ask so I don't forget anything.  I hate to say this but I think O will be kinda proud of me when I take out the list.

I need to deal with all this, and ya I'm a little angry, but I think I'm doing okay...I know I can't just hide and pretend nothing's wrong.  It's hard for me to express myself since all this started and really the months coming up to this.  I don't know how to be honest with myself anymore and I don't trust myself with my own rage.  I'm so afraid of sounding crazy or jealous or needy...all aspects I secretly despise in myself.  

O told me that he was my flashlight when the darkness surrounded me and I feel I'm all alone in that dark and can't see anything.  Maybe the flashlight is broken or the batteries need to be replaced.  But only he can fix it.  

I don't hate for that though, I don't dislike him because he's getting help...I just don't like him very much because he wouldn't get help sooner.  He didn't come to me.  Which is question number 4; why?

I'm so out of balance and I can't believe how completely dependent I am on him....seriously this bugs me more than just about anything.  The fact I need him so fucking much!  I resent that he's not here.  

I dunno maybe its the nature of the lifestyle, the need to be controlled, which in return makes me feel safe and secure in myself.  Yet the more control he took recently the more out of control I felt.  Maybe because deep down I knew that it was stifling that control and not loving.  

I dunno...I'm rambling...

Thank you for all the wonderful comments...and I'll be visiting all your blogs soon!  


  1. I admire you for your strength and self-awareness. The interesting thing about very many of us submissives is that we often deal with so much adversity in our lives, with an inner strength that outsiders may not initially see. You are obviously a very strong woman; trust your instincts to guide you. *hugs*

  2. No comment, just a big ol' hug!

  3. I think maybe you were feeling out of control because he was out of control? Just a thought.

    And I know you'll do well at the counselling sessions. It will be good for both of you. Hell you might even figure out how to fix the flashlight together.

    I'll be sending you lots of hugs!


  4. I really don't know what to say but just wanted to say will be thinking of you. You'll be fine.

    Sending big hugs.



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