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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Putting it together

Yesterday was therapy with Omega; we sat with the therapist and took all those shattered pieces of our life together, our whole life and placed them in the middle.   We examined, each piece sometimes using a microscope and placed them into a pile, sorting them by size and where they fit.  It started with everything that happened the day he left and we worked backward from there.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel...I think his therapist is holding it, and Omega and I, hand in hand, are walking through that darkness toward the light.  There are moment where I stumble and he catches me, and moments where he stumbles and I catch him.  We talked, but put no blame on anyone, though he was more than willing to accept it all.  I'm past blaming.  

Not sure when that happened that I stopped blaming, maybe during the drive over there, but I think it started a day or so earlier than that.  I dunno I've gone through the 5 stages of grief....a few times and now maybe I've really hit acceptance.  

We, the three of us, talked a long time, starting with the day he left and worked backward from there.  It was good.  I learned a lot about myself and about O.  He didn't apologize or make a bunch of promises he'd likely not be able to keep.  He did tell me that he does care, and never wanted me to get hurt.  He explained a little of what went wrong and how, and honestly I accept his answer.  It wasn't an excuse but more of a reason.  That made me feel a lot better.  He apologized for the lies he told, and for the lies he's told himself.  He also said that he can only take things one day at a time, or even a few seconds at a time when feels that need.

I went through a box of Kleenex though and don't know what I was thinking by wearing any eye makeup.  We took short breaks when I needed them, and his therapist was careful not to put a lot pressure on me.  The essence of who we are will not change but there will be changes to our dynamic, and O agrees with those changes.  They're needed now for his balance.  I feel as though the tidal waters have receded at least a little bit.  I've still got miles it seems but honestly I'm optimistic about it all.  I'm not ready to let him go, and I really don't want to lose my best friend...the rest I can honestly live without but not having him as my friend, would hurt more than anything else.  

 After the session we walked outside and talked more privately, just us two.  We worked out a lot of stuff, and talked about our future a little bit.

I can't say I'm not afraid, and I know he's an addict and will never really be cured, the need will always be there but I have to say I'm more optimist.  

I have to thank my friends who took the time to comment when all the shit the fan.  I dunno what I would do without you all.  I appreciate so much your taking the time to comment!

Thank you.


  1. one of the things you must know bout balance is the universe will seek it like water seeks to be level. Whether you want or not, better to accept it and look for it on your terms.

    You are doing great in this storm even if you are not sure sometimes.

  2. Hi there mouse. i just wanted to let you know that there are the shy, silent readers out here also, who may not have the nerve to comment often, but read you faithfully and are pulling hard for you. you've been on my mind a lot since this all started and i can't tell you how relieved i am to read that you are beginning to heal now. *hugs from the silent crowd*

  3. I'm so glad you have turned a corner from the fear. I wish you so much strength for the days ahead.

  4. Communication is the key. You can do this together. Have faith and keep working at it. Nothing worth having is always easy!


  5. That's a big corner to get around. The rest should be a little easier to take now.
    Keep talking, keep trying. The goal is worth it.
    (I have my pom-poms at the ready.)

  6. One of the silent for the most part readers here.,. but let me tell you how proud you should be of yourself!
    I'm so glad you have gotten this far..hang in there~!

  7. Happy to hear such a hopeful post. xoxo

  8. I'm so glad you guys are finally dealing with this in a healthy way. Still sending lots of hugs your way.


  9. You have come this far, keep talking and stay strong.


  10. *hugs you* My thoughts are with you mouse. I can't imagine what you are feeling through this whole thing. I hope that things continue on a good path for both of you.


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