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Saturday, December 19, 2009

I could have danced all night

Omega on the other hand had other ideas, and avoided it as best as he could.  I watched him a lot at the party, mostly as he "worked" the room, talked to people, shook hands and everything else expected of him.  He sat patiently through dinner as they talked about how much he'd be missed, and all the good he's done.  The people he's taught, and the things he's learned along the way.  He accepted the gifts they gave graciously and I think more than once his eyes welled.  He really is clueless at how well, despite his standoffish demeanor, he's liked.  Me?  I was just beaming.  To be close to him was enough. 

By the near end of the evening my feet were hurting and I was seated just watching and thinking about how this man, so disarming and charming could be..well, troubled.  I felt my nose begin to sting, causing me to look away.  In the next moment, he was by side asking me to dance.  My heart was racing as I took his hand.  Really thumping...I barely noticed the music playing, but when he pulled me close I heard it...It Had To Be You....

Very nice choice.  

He kept me by his side the rest of the night and when the party finally whined down around 1 AM, he called for the limo to bring us home (yes, he spent the night).  

Although I've missed him terribly in our bed at night, I have to admit I felt awkward around him as I undressed, and went through my bedtime rituals of removing makeup and donning my nightgown.  I dunno what I felt like exactly, nervous I guess, timid definitely.  Would I respond to his touch or recoil from it--would he even try to touch me--Did he want to?  I was suddenly uncertain.  

Yet he reached for my hand and pulled me close to him I felt it there in his chest, the steady beating of his heart and I melted.  I can't resist him and it's silly to try, he's like an infection coursing through my body, my mind and my heart.  Can't say I mind it at all.  Despite it all I still love him and all my wariness vanished as I felt him kiss me gently at first then a little more forcefully.  He led me to the bed, and wrapped himself around me.  That was it and more than I could ask for at that moment.  His body pressing against mine, so close that I couldn't tell where he ended and I began and it felt so right.  So perfect were those feelings.  The sharing--it felt different.  After as he held me, he asked me how I felt, being with him.  I didn't answer right away, I was trying to figure out the same thing.  It felt right, wonderful, beautiful....I cried. 

All I could wonder in that moment was if he felt any of that at all, or was it just a release to him.    

My mind hushed those thoughts as I whispered into my heart, "baby steps steps."  

I watched him as he drifted to sleep and continued watching him for another hour or more, into the early morning when sleep finally claimed me.  I woke to find my breakfast ready, and I gotta say it was nice being pampered a little.  He sat on the edge of the bed, in his robe, talking to me about last night.  I blurted out my thoughts after our lovemaking and we talked about it for a long time.  I began to cry, and he took out his handkerchief to dry my tears.  I can't say it was the answer I wanted to hear but it was honest.  He asked me if I felt used by him and I said no.  That to me is the most confusing part, how could anyone be so loving and not feel that love?  Could he ever let it go and allow himself to feel it?  He pulled me close to him, and just held me for the longest time...I felt him so clearly in that moment, I even trembled.  

I wish I could say it's all resolved and everything back to normal, but it's's slow like a glacier moving down a mountain.  I may not believe in a lot of things, but I do believe in Omega and I and I have to believe in us.  I wish it were as simple as love healing all, but it can't nothing could, he has to through the steps.  Maybe he'll never "normal"  But hell, what is normal anyway?  

Busy day ahead, he wants to get some Christmas shopping done before he has to go back and I'm kinda grateful for that not the him going back but that he's helping with the shopping.  I mean since I'm so behind on everything it seemed.  


  1. Hell, what is normal? Good luck sweetie.

  2. Can I just say I smiled so much that my face is hurting when I read about the time you had at the party? I'm so glad you guys had a good night together, and yeah, things will probably seem awkward for a while, but I know in my heart you guys will find your rhythm again. It might even be different from before, but hey... sometimes different is so much better!



  3. If you thought it was resolved, I'd worry. This will take time. But when two people work together toward a goal, nothing is impossible.
    I'm glad you had fun. (And glad you danced!)

  4. I am so happy for you guys, baby steps indeed. It is so easy to want to jump back to the way things were before without realizing how difficult it would make things. *sighs* one step at a time mouse and thank you for sharing this with us. We all care and worry for you both.

  5. as I always say, *normal* is a setting on the washing machine.

    hugs and love,


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