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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Being in balance

When I'm in balance things are good in my life.  When I'm out of balance O is the first to notice it, because I'm just not "on" the way I should be.  He first tries to bring me back into a more centered state with his words of encouragement.  Now I gotta admit, this often infuriates me because, honestly shouldn't he be just as upset about whatever as I am?  Why doesn't he ever get flustered or angry?  How can he do that?  Well, truthfully he can become overwhelmed just like anyone else can, but he works hard in maintaining his own sense of balance.  

Sometimes, while I marvel at his ability, I get jealous as hell of it.  It makes me feel so inadequate, along side him...because I come off like an overwhelmed woman.  I'm incapable of handling things and he has be the "man" who swoops in like Superman and makes everything better. Make no mistake there are times that this just pisses me off to no end.  

Is the fact that he does the Superman thing or is that I have come to rely on him to do the Superman thing that pisses me off so?  Is his gentle reasoning too reasonable?  Why is it when he tells me, "mouse; basement; assume the position and don't be poky about it" I sometimes feel like I want to smack the smug smirk off his face?  

Of course I don't smack the smug smirk, I might balk a moment, but I go into the basement, strip off my clothing and wait like a good girl should.  I accept the whip, belt or whatever he deals out, the tears flow, the muffled screams held within the gag in my mouth.  I crumple, give up all that I am at that moment and just...stop.  

What he does, how long it lasts, and everything else is really forgotten in that moment where I stop.  In that moment I am grateful that he understands so clearly my needs, especially when I cannot see them myself.  He holds me, wraps me a blanket and speaks in a soothing tone.  His words meld together, into a kind of word salad, jumbled up in my mind.  I kiss the whip, belt, or cock, and thank him, but I'm not there.  My ability to focus is lost for now.  He understands that so clearly and waits for me to return.  He always greets me in the same way, "welcome back my mouse."  My need, my desire, and yes my dependance is again reaffirmed and I feel myself falling deeper into this world.  His world.  Where he is in control of everything I have none.  

Back on the merry-go-round I go.  


spirited one said...

*sigh* How badly I need a good beating... and yet... at the same time I soooooooo don't want it. Thank goodness it'll be a while.

It really sucks when they're right, though.



greengirl said...

Ooohh I so feel the same way - why is it I can't keep my own self all straightened out? And why is it he can do it - for himself and even for me? I'm really not at all at peace about this yet - maybe I never will be.

Irony's Sub said...

Thank you Mouse!! I have been struggling with the fact that at times, Sir really pisses me off. I want to curse, stomp my feet, kick some dirt and look him dead in the eye and say "no!".........but I never get past the first ugly word in my mind before I'm doing exactly as instructed.

I had assumed my feelings were due to the newness of my acceptance of me being the submissive that I have long hidden and ignored. I thought it was so wrong of me to get .... well, mad at him. It makes me feel ungrateful and ugly. It makes me feel like a child and I have fought for so many years and have been hell bent to prove to everyone around that I am just fine on my own, damn it! The truth of the matter is,...I need him.

Since we are not in a 24/7 lifestyle, he doesn't fix my problems, yet. However, he knows exactly when to push me, test my boundaries and submission and take me out of my comfort zone no matter how many miles are between us. It's probably good that we don't see each other all of the time.....I at least get to stomp and pout without him seeing me do so. All he gets to see is me on my knees, at his mercy and for his use. And as messed up as it sounds, after he has done what ever he needs to for the night, I feel complete again.

Thank you again for letting me see that I'm not alone in my feelings.

Irony's sub