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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A chance for growth?

Yesterday, as I was reading different blogs, my buddy greengirl wrote something about screwing up.  I wanted so much to comment but couldn't figure out how to word it.   I talked to Omega about it, and he said everyone does it, and likened it to taking a step forward and a few back.  I sat with that.  Just being still as I went about my duties and chores.  Chewing on it.   


I guess it's no surprise that I've taken more than my share of steps backward.  There is something about feeling so vulnerable to another that I think just makes you want to do that.  When I do take a step back, it's always because I just need to pause.  I need time to process what it means to me.  When O started the maintenance whippings on me, I was fine for a time, then balked.  I didn't know if I really needed it or wanted it.  But it also went deeper than because it was deepening my submission to Omega and at that time I wasn't sure I wanted that.   I also became more than a little resentful when he'd look at me and say, "mouse bring my strap and don't be poky about it, you are need of an alignment."  I mean can't I just have a bad day once in a while?


Taking those steps back helped me first to decide if I wanted all this.  Which of course I did that was the easy, short answer.  But it did something else for me that I hadn't really thought about until I read greengirl's blog yesterday.  It helped me understand the "why" I wanted it.  I had a feeling deep down inside that O was right about me needing it.  I couldn't move forward until I understood why.  Now during that time I more or less just went with the flow and it wasn't until I realized that I did want it and that it helped suddenly everything changed for both of us.


Now, I can call this embracing my slave inside, or my inner painslut, but honestly they all mean the same thing.  We are parts of the same person called mouse.  


So like greengirl I often am guilty of taking a few steps backward, and seeing those steps as horrible things, it made me feel uncertain, untrusting, and even somewhat a failure.  Or in other words If I hadn't questioned I wouldn't have had the problem to begin with and we'd just be moving forward.  The problem I was missing was that it was right to question things within myself.   To ask myself why, and wait for me to answer.  In no uncertain terms I have handed my life over to O...and yes with that it is really for him to decide.  He decides and holds the keys.  That doesn't mean that I don't question myself, or my wisdom in giving him so much power over me.  He knows it, expects it, and accepts it. 



13 comments:

  1. Hmmm... now I'm going to have to sit with this for a while. I've been feeling a little lost... overwhelmed... feeling like I'm being pulled in a dozen and one directions and I just haven't been able to sort it out in my own mind. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard. Who knows...

    I'll have to read this again in the morning when I'm more awake and hopefully less brain fried.

    *hugs*

    spirited

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  2. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking "why" internally. You should be curious enough to want to understand why you feel a certain way, or why O asks and requires certain things of you. That doesn't mean you should question his requirements. Just that it will help you grow to want to know and better understand why you feel the way you do. Sometimes the answer is right in front of you. Sometimes it eludes you. But, the answer is there is you look in the right place and from the right angle. Wanting to understand and find the answers shows your initiative to be better for O, and is a good thing in my book. A lacl of wanting to know or care is when you have a big problem.

    DV

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  3. My mouse,

    Again, words are difficult to express how proud I am of you mouse. Your growth recently and understanding of yourself exceeds any expectation I could ever hold.

    Omega

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  4. spirited one,

    Ya I get that way too..my brain gets fried and I think that little hamster refuses to move. ;-)

    hugs,
    mouse

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  5. DV Sir,

    Yup....that's exact what I think.

    hugs,
    mouse

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  6. Omega...

    It's because of you!

    yours

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  7. mouse,
    I hope someday I can learn as much from my screw-ups as you got out of it. I'm still working through just what happened. Yopu're right, I was stuck in fear, and certainly stepping back. Everything looks really dismal and hopeless in the middle of the fear.

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  8. gg,

    That's what fear does. The trick is to identify why your afraid, talk about that and you both decide which course to take. If something doesn't really work for you, let it go. Use the things that do work.

    I know you'll sort it out.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  9. mouse,
    you write beautifully
    maryann

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  10. Okay I re-read this now that I am mostly awake I think I know why this touched me so deeply, but I'll have to blog about it. Too much to explain here.

    *hugs*

    spirited

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  11. Maryann,

    Thank you so much, it means a lot to me.

    hugs,
    mouse

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  12. spirited one,

    not much else to say...read and commented on your blog. LOL

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  13. To my mind, something given after due thought and questioning is worth more than something that is given without a second thought, and I also think that this going a couple of steps back sometimes is not to fail, but to be human. Even priests, monks and nuns have moments of doubt when they question themselves and their faith, and as I understand it, that is considered completely normal and maybe even necessary in order to be able to submit to a higher power for the rest of their lives. I get the impression that i actually deepens the devotion in the long run.

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