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Monday, March 15, 2010

Cornered mouse

This morning, I woke before the alarm clock, still wrapped up in O's embrace.  He whispered to me asking how I was feeling, normally he does that after a night of intense play.  I guess he knew what I asked for was intense for me.  I shivered and he covered me more with the blanket, and whispered that he loved me.  I cried softly.  I told him I felt fine, and loved him more than I was capable of expressing.  With that the alarm went off, and the song Everlasting Love could be heard playing.  I let it go for a minute maybe and then scooted myself over and hit the button for snooze.  O sighed.  I sighed too, and started the day.  While my mind turned over the thoughts about the previous night I went about my routine of making coffee, getting O's things ready the way he likes, and preparing breakfast.  Then I sat down at the computer, and for a minute stared at the flashing cursor, trying to find the words to write. 

The weekend was quiet.  Well, mouse was quiet at Master's request.  Master had quite a few things to do this weekend and needed his concentration.  Being still is something mouse doesn't really enjoy.  And yet, mouse found herself flooded with thoughts, perhaps brought on from imposed silence.  Lurid thoughts filled her mind, thoughts of touch both harsh and soft. 

Deep inside something stirred, causing a flood of emotions mouse isn't used to having.  Normal emotions like happiness but also lust, which is something she rarely felt before or maybe just pushed those thoughts deep down so she didn't deal with them.  The private journal, which hardly ever used became her friend this weekend.  As she put down all those thoughts into a not coherent entry, but just a list of random words.  

Master read it Sunday afternoon.  He pointed out the words were not completely random but actually related.  He looked at mouse and asked her what she wanted.  Naturally mouse said nothing because she really didn't know.  Well that's not true, she knew but was way too embarrassed to say it out loud.  Master pressed her and mouse mentally scurried away.  Though disappointed Master allowed the matter to drop.  It occurred to mouse later that she didn't want him to drop it, she wanted him to drag it out of her, because she wanted to tell him but at the same time was afraid to admit it.  

Don't know if Master knew it or not but later, in the evening while in bed, he pulled mouse close to him.  He didn't ask, or even demand, he just began touching mouse in all those private areas. He asked her what she wanted then, and she said nothing so he stopped.  When she said, "well..." he touched her again.  After a minute of silence he stopped again, settled back and closed his eyes.  Again, mouse started to say something and like magic his hands reappeared, caressing her body.  

"What do you want?"  Master patiently asked.  

With her brow furrowed, eyes cast downward, and biting her lip she asked him, if he would lick her down there.  

*This was the thing she used to fear the most, the thing that would send her physically running away to the bathroom to throw up.  This was the act she was most conditioned to never accept.  Something she was told was a real Master should never do. Ya, she was lied to.  She never had a problem offering oral service to her Master but if he ever attempted it she would freak out.  She was damaged by her past.  While Master worked hard at reconditioning the mouse to accept the soft touch, he could never get passed that particular barrier.  I would within minutes safeword to end it.  I don't safeword during breath play but having Omega go down on me, would send me to that place I thought was bad.  Thank goodness Omega kept a bucket nearby so I could vomit.  Yes, a harsh reaction.

Not at all sure what Master's thoughts were at that moment, because at least 30 seconds passed before he ordered mouse to put her hands over head and touch the headboard, then instructed her not to move.  He started at her neck, and worked his way downward, biting and kissing various parts along the way, making mouse yelp and moan sometimes at the same time.  Not moving was sooo difficult.  Master took his time and at last she felt his lips and tongue fanning the flame that was now burning out of control.  

The wall tumbled down with her tears as she grew more excited, soon he stopped and worked his fingers deep inside her, one by one until his fist was up there without so much of a whimper from mouse, only whorish sounds of lust escaped her lips.  He removed his hand.  Then Master whispered the words to mouse..."cum for me." 

She did without hesitation or even consideration.  Then she cried hard tears, sobbing but held her position but only barely.  He gathered his mouse into his arms and stroked her gently rocking her.  He kissed her so that she could taste herself on his lips, and she cried harder.  

Could she ever feel so much love?


Omega said...

As always my mouse I am very proud of you. Learning to admit, embrace and express what you feel or desire is an important lesson.


Gray said...


Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It is amazing to see the changes in you along the way.

mouse said...

Thanks Master!

mouse said...


Awwwww you're welcome...I wouldn't have believe all these good feelings were possible a year ago...

I can't even imagine what the future will bring.


Anonymous said...

This was an amazing post - and it did me good to hear/see i'm not the only one who has had a problem with that "act". Thank you for this post. It's given me much to think about and perhaps talk about with Sir...

DauntlessVitality said...

I agree totally with O! Not that he needs my approval. LOL! It is good that you are learning to express yourself and ask for what you feel you want and need. I would always tell and require my pet to express herself and tel me what was on her mind. Whether it was desires, concerns, or whatever. As a Dom/Master it helps us to be able to better meet your needs when you are able to share with us. It also makes the relationship better when it is more open and you can both express yourself freely. We al do it in our own special ways, but sharing is good. As a Dom/Master I may not always do or go by what you say or request, but knowing is very important to me.

Good for you on your ability to break through that wall and take a giant stride forward. And...good for O for his being able to get you there. You are lucky to have such a person over you!


mouse said...

Cilla Noir,

I had so many blocks against it and honestly they were really silly. I'm so glad that I finally admitted it to myself...and it sounds weird but I feel so much stronger now.


mouse said...

DV Sir,

Yes, I've known I could trust O with this for a long time now, but it's taken me a long time to move passed my past. LOL

I'm happier now.


spirited one said...

Wow... don't know how I missed this one. Got nothing to say, but definitely have to give you *big hugs*. It's a major hurdle to have gone through.


mouse said...

spirited one...Thanks so much!


Ms Lennoxx said...

Once again I'm amazed by the powerful relationship between the two of you and your ability to share your feelings, vulnerability and development in such an engaging way. I'm happy for your breakthrough and find your bravery inspiring.

mouse said...


Thanks so much for the wonderful comment. And ya I feel so balanced but not just that worthy.


Ms Lennoxx said...

I can just tell you that I try to call it as I see it. This was obviously not easy for you, but under extraordinarily insightful and loving guidance, you braved this difficult obstacle. To my mind, that is an achievement worthy of respect.

Maybe you can practice thinking that you are worthy? Just as an experiment, take that thought our for a test drive. And in time, who knows, maybe the feeling will come along as well? :-)

mouse said...

Ms Lennoxx..

I don't think I need to practice that...I feel it everyday. I didn't used to feel that way but I learned to.