This blog contains information that is adult in nature. If you are underage please leave at once.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Baggage

I spoke with Omega the other night and we got into the discussion of baggage.  The things we carry around with us all the time, not in a physical way but in a mental way.  When I was in my teens, I carried around the equivalent of a carry-on bag.  Don't misunderstand, at the time I thought it was very heavy but it really wasn't.  As I grew older, the number of bags increased, from the one carry-on to several bags, before switching up to steamer trunks.  And ya I had several of those.  Inside all my memories, all my fears, all the abuse was contained in those trunks.  My hopes?  They were left on the side of the road because they wouldn't fit.  And I would carry it all like a pack mule. 


When traveling it's best to keep the load light, and ya, I've been known to leave things behind in favor of new purchases.  (I also apologize to that little inn in Romania where I left behind my socks and dirty underwear)  I discovered recently that I did the same thing with my mental baggage.  I lugged around the past and left no room for future things I would acquire.  


Now no one reaches a certain age without gathering a few extra bags, but how big, how manageable depends on the person and who is with you to help ease the load.  In May of last year, I invited O into my life.  My problem was that I didn't appreciate all the stuff he would bring with him, and how they would all fit.  Remember my steamers were full, nothing could be removed from them.   O decided that he would open them up, one by one, empty them out and go through them.  This was frightening to me but needed.  Like tossing out clutter, he condensed them down until they all fit into one small bag.  All memories, the fears, and the abuse were now contained into one small bag.  Of course because he likes to label things, he labeled it the past.


Then he added his bag to it.  His bag was a little larger, but it also contains A's things, his parents and everyone else he cares and worries about.  The steamer trunks now are used differently, they contain the hopes and dreams for the future and ya, they get gone through on occasion too, some are discarded, and replaced with new ones...but the weight is gone.  They are light like balloons, and float so you just tie them to yourself and go.  


So late last night we're discussing all these different metaphors and O comments how much more balanced I am.  I kinda laughed.  I feel balanced and more at peace with myself than I have in a long time.  He was quiet for a moment and said sometimes when people get angry or frustrated, and take it out on someone they're not really angry with that person, they're really angry with the first person who upset them.   He further commented, "In your case mouse, you might be still be angry with the doctor that slapped your ass at your birth."  


Wow.  He does understand the scorpio thing--and to think he says he doesn't believe in the occult.  


I hate the term projecting, but I see more and more now how I projected my own feelings onto a situation and it wasn't always healthy to do that.  Sometimes I just needed to sit back, be still and think about it.  Then suddenly the skies parted and I was able to see things instead of how I thought it was but for how it really was.  When I married O, I saw my friends trying to educate me on how to "train" my husband.  This made me very defensive.  However over time with O's help I realized they were projecting their own fears about their marriages onto me.   At that time two were going through nasty divorces and another had an empty nest to deal with.  I should have taken their comments with a grain of sand and blew it off.  


The truth was while they were projecting their own fears onto me, I was also projecting my own fear onto them.  My fear at that time was maybe I did rush into it.  Maybe I wasn't ready.  Maybe once I shook the rice out of my hair, I would have realized that I made a mistake.  That made me defensive toward them.  


Over time I realized and accepted what they were saying as just women bitching about their lives.  I learned to take what they said at face value, rather than worrying about what they meant by the comments or stories they told. I became happier with them and certainly more balanced.  Now it seems, even when the topic turns ugly I can see where they are coming from with a lot more clarity, since I've taken myself out of the way.  


And all that baggage?  It's pleasure traveling so light, since I don't have to carry that load myself.  



11 comments:

  1. That's a lot of wisdom. It's all easy to say - and awfully difficult to really internalize and live. Not many of us really do I think. You've fought hard for it though it seems and it's so nice to hear you say how much nicer it makes things. Give me something to think about too. Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh I agree completely that we tend to project our baggage onto others. Part of the reason I had to take a step back recently. I may not be able to tell right from the start that I'm doing it, but with some time to reflect I can see it very clearly and I know that's what I was doing.

    Unfortunately, I'm not in a space to just make myself stop, although we're working on clearing out the baggage too.

    Glad that you were able to come to these realizations, though, and that things are finally getting to be so much better for you... that you're finally seeing the benefits of all the work you have both put into your healing.

    *hugs*

    spirited

    ReplyDelete
  3. One of the things I've been trying to work on is to stop assuming I know what people are saying and trying to just hear the words. Our filters are such amazingly ingrained things that we often don't even notice them. But they can really do a number on our perceptions.

    ReplyDelete
  4. spirited one...

    you'll get there too...

    big hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jz,

    Filter! I LOVE that word! You're so right.

    hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
  6. wowwwwww. So so wise.

    i wish i could analyse myself like that. More and more lately it's Master who's telling me how i really am and i'm shocked to realise that He's right.

    i'm so glad that you've been able to find yourself in such a peaceful, balanced place. you deserve it!

    amazing blog.

    -rose.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Rose,

    Thanks so much...really I keep pinching myself. LOL

    hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
  8. How beautifully put, about the steamer trunks now being free to contain hopes and dreams for the future, being light like balloons, floating as you go. I like that picture.

    If you find a way to put into words how you practiacally go about putting all the past in that small bag, I bet you'd have a best seller. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. MsLennoxx...

    I bet so too....too bad, I really don't understand thoroughly how we did it...we just did.

    hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
  10. I wish that I could learn to let go of my baggage. I feel like I'm pulling about 20 trunks busting at the seams.

    ReplyDelete
  11. CK,

    O would say that admitting you carry it is the first important step.

    Hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete

All comments are moderated.