Baggage

I spoke with Omega the other night and we got into the discussion of baggage.  The things we carry around with us all the time, not in a physical way but in a mental way.  When I was in my teens, I carried around the equivalent of a carry-on bag.  Don't misunderstand, at the time I thought it was very heavy but it really wasn't.  As I grew older, the number of bags increased, from the one carry-on to several bags, before switching up to steamer trunks.  And ya I had several of those.  Inside all my memories, all my fears, all the abuse was contained in those trunks.  My hopes?  They were left on the side of the road because they wouldn't fit.  And I would carry it all like a pack mule. 


When traveling it's best to keep the load light, and ya, I've been known to leave things behind in favor of new purchases.  (I also apologize to that little inn in Romania where I left behind my socks and dirty underwear)  I discovered recently that I did the same thing with my mental baggage.  I lugged around the past and left no room for future things I would acquire.  


Now no one reaches a certain age without gathering a few extra bags, but how big, how manageable depends on the person and who is with you to help ease the load.  In May of last year, I invited O into my life.  My problem was that I didn't appreciate all the stuff he would bring with him, and how they would all fit.  Remember my steamers were full, nothing could be removed from them.   O decided that he would open them up, one by one, empty them out and go through them.  This was frightening to me but needed.  Like tossing out clutter, he condensed them down until they all fit into one small bag.  All memories, the fears, and the abuse were now contained into one small bag.  Of course because he likes to label things, he labeled it the past.


Then he added his bag to it.  His bag was a little larger, but it also contains A's things, his parents and everyone else he cares and worries about.  The steamer trunks now are used differently, they contain the hopes and dreams for the future and ya, they get gone through on occasion too, some are discarded, and replaced with new ones...but the weight is gone.  They are light like balloons, and float so you just tie them to yourself and go.  


So late last night we're discussing all these different metaphors and O comments how much more balanced I am.  I kinda laughed.  I feel balanced and more at peace with myself than I have in a long time.  He was quiet for a moment and said sometimes when people get angry or frustrated, and take it out on someone they're not really angry with that person, they're really angry with the first person who upset them.   He further commented, "In your case mouse, you might be still be angry with the doctor that slapped your ass at your birth."  


Wow.  He does understand the scorpio thing--and to think he says he doesn't believe in the occult.  


I hate the term projecting, but I see more and more now how I projected my own feelings onto a situation and it wasn't always healthy to do that.  Sometimes I just needed to sit back, be still and think about it.  Then suddenly the skies parted and I was able to see things instead of how I thought it was but for how it really was.  When I married O, I saw my friends trying to educate me on how to "train" my husband.  This made me very defensive.  However over time with O's help I realized they were projecting their own fears about their marriages onto me.   At that time two were going through nasty divorces and another had an empty nest to deal with.  I should have taken their comments with a grain of sand and blew it off.  


The truth was while they were projecting their own fears onto me, I was also projecting my own fear onto them.  My fear at that time was maybe I did rush into it.  Maybe I wasn't ready.  Maybe once I shook the rice out of my hair, I would have realized that I made a mistake.  That made me defensive toward them.  


Over time I realized and accepted what they were saying as just women bitching about their lives.  I learned to take what they said at face value, rather than worrying about what they meant by the comments or stories they told. I became happier with them and certainly more balanced.  Now it seems, even when the topic turns ugly I can see where they are coming from with a lot more clarity, since I've taken myself out of the way.  


And all that baggage?  It's pleasure traveling so light, since I don't have to carry that load myself.