Pain

 O didn't want me to write about what I did until I could grasp the concept of why I sometimes misbehave.  


He asked me to do something weeks ago, and I just kept putting it off for reasons I can't explain...I dunno maybe I just didn't want to deal with it.  It wasn't like I had no warning that I was treading on thin ice.  I can't explain why I would just ignore him.  But I did.  I ignored.  


Last week one evening, he came to me and asked about that task, I told him that I hadn't gotten around to it, but would probably tomorrow.  That was the wrong answer.  He turned and walked out of the room.  Through dinner he didn't speak to me.  I knew I was in trouble but had no idea how deeply I was in trouble until I had finished cleaning the kitchen.  He told me to go down into the basement, strip off my clothing and wait in the cage.  Sometime later I heard him coming down the steps and into the basement.  He ordered me out of the cage.  He asked, no interrogated me on why I was being so obstinant and willfully forgetful about a very simple task.  I had no answers.  He then made me put on my robe (we keep one in the basement), and do that task then return into the basement.  


I did as told, and the task took only around 25 minutes to complete.  I returned to him and started to cry.  He slapped my face hard and said he didn't want my tears at least not then.  Later.  I was a mess, jumble of emotions and thoughts racing through my brain.  He was calm, firm, and direct.  His calmness scared me more than anything else I think now.  


When the punishment was over, O was kinda back to normal but maybe a more aloof than he'd be after a normal play scene.  He watched as I went through my bedtime routine and helped me into bed, I was too drained to think, too ashamed to speak.  In bed, I felt his body beside mine and felt him pull me closer, I didn't object.  I woke in the morning fuzzy and very foggy.  I started thinking about the why this was bothering me so.  




Did I want to be punished?  No, not really.  Was the task difficult?  No, it was just something I don't like to do.  But the truth was I had already done most of it, it was just a question of gathering all together and giving it to him.  Really.  Why was I blocked about just doing it and getting it over with?  That I can't answer.  I realize now it was just stupid for me to put it off.  Just like it would be equally stupid for him not to punish me for not doing it.  I know I wanted pain, and was begging for it recently but this went beyond that.  The truth was it bothered me because he was right and it bothered me because it was totally my fault.  In the past when O has punished me at least in a major way there were influences outside.  This time it was really was all me.  I had no mental out, no way to say it wasn't my fault entirely, in fact I couldn't even place those feelings until Friday morning and thoroughly put into disjointed words until today.


For the rest of week we didn't talk much about the punishment or my actions that led to it.  He was busy with work stuff and I was still processing the reason.  He was surprised I hadn't mentioned in my blog until Friday but maybe that was just my way of opening the door for discusion. In bed that same evening we talked about it for the first time.  He had of course read my blog and the comments I left.  I told him that in the past I had felt forced to accept punishment and also felt it wasn't my fault.  This time it was my fault.  I messed up.  And I think that was pissing me off more than anything.  It wasn't a game, where I was trying to be cute and see how long could put something off for.  


We talked through it and finally I feel at ease.  Master was right I needed to wait, sit with my punishment until I understood it.  Are they always so right?


The rest of the weekend was fun, with lots of activities that seemed to keep us very busy.  Sunday evening we were tired and just watched TV in bed until we both fell asleep.  


Monday actually came too quickly but it does for everyone