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Friday, March 5, 2010

The slave inside

It's early here, the house is quiet, and slave inside continued to pester with delicious dreams of total sadism.   Honestly these thoughts are becoming a real distraction. 

The other day, I wrote a post about how a slave feels and posted it as a Thankful Thursday post.  I've been exploring this since last weekend.  It started with the smoke and mirrors comment from O, and later when he commented about fear.  I've been been still and quietly pondering these things.  Like everyone else, there is an inner and outer mouse.  

The outer mouse is kind, flighty, talkative, smart, funny, sarcastic and overall a nice person as long as you stay on her good side.  The inner mouse is the slave.  That's the one no one sees unless they know its there since only then is her presence obvious, because no one focuses on the inside, it's all about the external.  Obviously, Omega knows it's there.  He sees the slave inside very clearly, and probably always had.  The slave inside is not concerned with the past, she only cares about this moment and doesn't even worry about the next moment.  

The outer mouse worries, waxes, and wonders about everything.  Maybe once in while the inner and outer mouse meet somewhere in the visible world, and that is when mouse is seen as innocent wide-eyed child, enjoying the exploration of the world.  Yes, the outer mouse gets grumpy, and down, but she can be contained.  The slave inside, cannot be contained, she simply waits for the mood to pass, or the outer mouse to move on.  The inner slave is the nasty pain slut who fantasizes about wild things, and puts those ideas into the outer mouse's mind.  The inner slave is the true explorer.  

Maybe O is right and slavery is an illusion or a state of mind (being?).  But I'm finding that I like my inner slave very much.  She's the one who places the needs of her Master first.  The slave inside wishes that she could be the principle character, but she understands that being acknowledged is the first big step.  Perhaps one day the two will simply merge.  Maybe they did long ago, when my name was changed to mouse and it's taken mouse a long time to figure it out what her Master knew long ago.  

Who knows?  
Omega also mentioned to me that sometimes a slave wants more than she really can realistically handle, so he's asked me to think about what I want for this weekend's play.  He's asking the slave inside to be still, and let mouse decide if she's really ready.

Sometimes I'm really glad he's the one in control.


spirited one said...

Holy cow girl... what are you doing awake? You're getting as bad as me. LOL

I definitely think slavery is a state of being. Maybe that's why the meditative type maintenance is helping me get in touch so quickly. I have no choice at those time but to turn inward. It's just me and my inner slave... and in my thoughts there is only room for my Master.

I think maybe the slave in us is always there... inside and even on the surface. We just need to learn to acknowledge and accept her more.



mouse said...

spirited one...

Just couldn't sleep...didn't think I knew what I was going to post about and suddenly I woke up and had the thought. Didn't want to bother O with it, so I just posted.

Yep, that's exactly how I've been feeling...the slave inside me is certainly being brought out by something.

O thinks it might be because I'm just feeling more settled in my world.

hugs to you too,

Irony's Sub said...

Mouse - I continue to be both amazed and held captive by your insight as I share the same feelings. My outer self is nothing like my inner slave. I often feel that the weight of the armor I wear in my daily life has worn me down so much, yet with my Dom, the weight and armor are removed and I am free to be his slut, whore and slave. I, too, hope to reach a point where my two "selves" will merge, but for now, I continue to lead a double life. Some would find that exhausting, but under my Dom, I find it refreshing.

Irony's sub

mouse said...

Irony's sub,

It's amazing how Master can take away all that heavy weight, with just the right phrase, or word. The double life seems odd at first but once it's embraced, by admitting the slave inside was different than "mouse" it all became so much easier. It's really freeing!


Lucie Xxx said...

to me being a slave is a state of being something i am no matter what the circumstances.

happiness is a state of mind its something i have a choice over.