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Monday, March 1, 2010

Smoke and mirrors

The other night while in bed after he engaged in some playful, sensual play that made my head spin, we talked a little.  I asked him if slavery was just an illusion and he chuckled replying that all bdsm was all smoke and mirrors.  I was still caught up in a blissful afterglow of our being together, so I let the matter drop.  I snuggled myself into the crook of his arm and drifted off to sleep listening to the sound of his beating heart.  

Saturday morning, feeling refreshed, I had pushed the smoke and mirrors comment out of my head, as I went about my morning duties; emptying the dishwasher, prepping breakfast, and drinking coffee.  When I heard O moving around, I went upstairs and got his shower ready, and set things up the way he likes them.  Then I hurried downstairs to finish cooking breakfast.  When he came downstairs no one was around, so he took the liberty to play with my body a little for his own amusement.  He did the unthinkable, he whispered into my ear that he wanted me to speak like a slave just for that day.

I shivered.  I lifted my eyes and looked into his.  He was serious.  I was still.  Thoughts raced through my mind, my body shivered again, and I nodded.  Did I really nod, I thought hours later? How could I just nod my head like that?  The feminist in me wanted to scream....You gotta be kidding me?  I knew he wasn't kidding.  It was no joke, so for the entire day I spoke the language of slave.  

Alpha had carefully trained me decades before on how a slave should speak (in his opinion), she should never use the word, "I" and other words are only limited like, we and you.  It was more like...what does Master wish to do?  Instead of, are we going out today?  With Alpha I was forced to speak this way all the time, in and out of his presence.  It was tricky to speak that way around others but to be honest no one really paid much attention anyway.  I would keep my answers short, precise, and for the most part it worked fine.  

Now he's asked to me to do this before, like during a scene or for play purposes.  A few times even as punishment, or maybe what I perceived as punishment.  Mentally, it would send me back to that time with Alpha.  I would worry about it, obsess over why, feel myself being knocked off balance.  It was a bad thing to me.  

I kept to the rules and O was pleased.  

By the end of the day, I was comfortable with speaking that way, it felt natural, maybe the way Alpha always wanted or intended for me to feel.  With him I focused on each word I said out of fear of punishment but this was different.  I didn't think about it.  With Omega I just did it.  I'm sure I might have slipped a couple times (maybe), but there was no correction.  It made me pause and reflect, much like the weekend of silence made me reflect.  It didn't stop me from self expression, maybe it enhanced it a little.  

Mentally, I felt more submissive, more slave-like, and more focused on him.  The slave inside me came out, bursting through all my walls.  In the early evening O decided he wasn't through tormenting me, and had me go into the basement.  I was lost in subspace around the time the violet wand came out, and I stayed there until long after he was finished.  When I came out I was in family room, it was very late, and he was feeding me bits of left-over dinner.  Every inch of my body felt violated and used.  I was exhausted tho, and he helped me to bed, made sure I brushed my teeth and checked my marks and bruises before letting me into the bed.  I really couldn't get close enough to him.  

When I woke a few hours later I was still feeling out of sorts...floaty and oh so sore.  My body is really covered in bruises and welts.  Even my hair was hurting.  He gave me some advil and encouraged me to go back to sleep.  I was whimpering a little, but soon I settled.  I think I fell back asleep, but not really sure.  It seems I drift in and out and when I'm in...I guess I'm not sure what I'm doing.  I kinda woke myself once to find me sucking O.  Now he didn't mind it....probably encouraged it, but I had no clue.  He of course could tell how distressed I was and soothed me right away.  He let me know it's not that unusual, in fact I've done it before.  

I don't remember ever doing that before, but he insists that I have.  I have to believe him.  it was still really weird.  Unsettling.  Almost scary. 

I was kinda afraid to sleep after that but soon settled, and the next time I opened my eyes it was light outside.  I found O sleeping beside me, so I got up and started doing stuff around the house.  Went down and tidied the play room (washed the toys and cleaned the bench). Then I went upstairs and cleaned up the kitchen and ran the dishwasher.  Folded towels, and ran the washer.  I went into the bedroom and looked at O still sleeping.  I climbed back into bed and snuggled against him.  I wanted to crawl inside him.  I moved myself as close to him as I could without disturbing him.  

I tried not to disturb him.  I just couldn't get close enough to him.  He woke.  He brushed the hair out of my eyes and kissed my forehead, "you're feeling that way?"  he whispered.  I nodded just as the tears started to flow.  He held me close, and slipped himself inside me, I could feel his weight on my body and didn't care about anything.  I felt constricted, contained, and safe.  He eventually got out of bed, and started the shower.  I got up and started to get his things ready, but he said he wasn't shaving.  I did everything else and waited. He opened the shower door and invited me inside.  I stripped off my nighty and went inside.  He was sweet and gentle.  Checking me all over.  I was still clinging to him.  I can't explain it any other way, being just close to him wasn't enough...I needed more.  Hearing the details even small ones was troubling to me, tho he seemed to enjoy recounting to me the things I said.  He said I was very naughty and said the most dirty things to him...using words I normally wouldn't dream to use and even asked, no begged for the clover clamps.  I think I was just out of my mind or he was dreaming.  

After that he told me to dress in whatever was most comfortable, and sent me downstairs.  He followed quickly, and found me wandering in the kitchen.  Should I make fresh coffee or just reheat what was there?  Seriously what the hell was wrong with me?  At this point he decided to take us out to breakfast.  He ordered for everyone.  I was quiet.  After we went to the zoo, and walked around there for hours.  I couldn't stop moving or wanting to move.  I didn't want to stop.  He could tell I was getting to that point of breakdown maybe, and we came home.  Don't know how I handled sitting in the car all the way home.  Finally at home he brought me upstairs, and put me in the bath, gave me more advil and waited.  He insisted that I nap, after looking at my eyes.  Light bothered them so I'm sure they were dilated.  I tried to argue but couldn't or understood it was useless.  So I laid down on the bed.  I really was feeling obstinate and was NEVER falling asleep, after all, who was he to think I needed a nap...yes I was feeling totally not normal, but really a nap.....?  

I woke about an hour later, feeling much more myself but still kinda swimmy feeling.  He wouldn't let me drive still, feeling I was still too loopy.  He was just getting off the phone with Lucy, she had been calling my cell all day about dinner tonight.  I had completely forgotten!  O explained that he had gone to the market, and bought some steaks, they were marinating in the fridge, along with some really nice looking asparagus.  All I needed to do was make a starch of some sort and dinner would be done.  Can I say I just love that man!  Dinner went off without a hitch.  Lucy and I drank a bottle of wine, giggling softly about the guys cooking with fire.  I had a hard time keeping my eyes off O during that time.  I was pleasant but really didn't want them there.  I wanted be next to O all the time.  Even inches separating us was too much space.  When he'd touch me, I'd shiver.  

Between the arrival of Lucy and Schroeder and my nap, I got a chance to go online for a few minutes.  I chatted briefly with spirited one who suggested that the reason I was acting like that was because I really accepted and soared to subspace because I wasn't focused on what he was doing but rather just focused on him.  As my thoughts turned back over that day I realized how clever Master was to turn my thoughts to him, instead of the normal things that cross my mind.  When it came time to play later that evening he showed me what he was using, so there were no surprises.  My focus remained only on him and not on what he was doing.  When I begged for more, I really meant it, and even tho I begged him he didn't go further than I could handle.  He continued moving things toward a positive end.  My after effects really freaked me out tho, since that's never happened to me before.  But even that explained this mental tethering I felt throughout the day on Sunday.  Why I needed and craved to be so close to him, it was all smoke and mirrors or the psychological side of slavery.  

Much later after watching the closing ceremony of the olympics and our guests had left, O and I talked.  He admitted to me that he was kinda nervous about how I was in the morning and much of the day--he had seen others who acted that way but never really saw it in me before.   Not that it didn't please him but instead it was surprising to him.  We talked about the mental side of that thing we do, the smoke and mirrors.  Is he really in control or is an illusion? To the outsider looking in, I'm sure it seems like it's just illusion. To them I am really in control, because I allow it.  But that's too simple an explanation for that thing we do.  For us, he's in control because it's what I crave.  It's what I truly need, regardless of what's happened in my past, who got me into this lifestyle or the reason.  It is deep down what I am--probably since birth.  He allows me bring that out and let it shine.  Is it just an illusion, perhaps, but for us not really.  Yes, some is just smoke and mirrors, because I get so thoroughly enveloped into that mental side of things.  The deeper I go into my mental state where I do exist to serve him, the happier he is.  The happier I am.  At times I balk, or whimper, question or outright complain.  But I can't imagine living any other way.  

To me, it's wonderful.  I've accepted at long last the title of pain slut.  I thoroughly trust Omega, as my Master and feel so blessed to have him in my life.  


  1. darling mouse,

    You do please me. Much of BDSM is mental, perhaps not akin to the smoke and mirrors but it is very emotional. In all that belies the illusion which most onlookers have.

    If you feel more as a slave feels (from a mental stance), then it serves its purpose. I do not mind being awakened by what you perceive as "neediness," it is to be expected.


  2. Hello, i'm quite new to the blogging thing so hope you don't mind me writing.

    Wow this is a great post! These effects fascinate me as we're so knew to this. Am i right in thinking O has prior bdsm experience too? It scares me with us that D wouldn't know how to handle this or how to interpret that kind of begging for more you describe- i think this is probably holding me back atm but your descriptions have really made me think.

  3. i really understood this post - i have never felt quite like you seem to and certainly not for as long but i have to say that i hope i will one day (simply because it shows how into your mindspace you are). Can't think of anything else to write now but needed to respond in some way.


  4. D's s,

    Yes, I have a few decades of experience and have had the pleasure of many women during that time.

    mouse is truly my forever slave, none compare or come close to what she brings to me.

    Be well,

  5. Wow... this is something that's been getting to me a lot... is it all just an illusion? Just the other night I was asking myself if I was just fooling myself into believing it was all real.

    I don't know... I have experienced the clinginess, though, and it sometimes scares me. I guess it's those moments when I feel like I'm getting lost in it. Especially when, like you experienced, you say and do things you just don't have any memory of. It can be quite disconcerting.

    When the focus is on our Masters, though, it can certainly bring on those slave-like feelings. It's truly incredible... scary at times, but incredible. I'm glad you had such a deep and meaningful experience this last weekend.



  6. Mouse,
    You don't need to publish this - but I wanted to say it to you. I so much appreciate that you write these kinds of things. What you describe here, I find frightening, or I would for myself. I recognize echos of some of the feelings you describe, and even on a much smaller scale, they often frighten me. I guess it's just good to hear that these can be positive feelings.

    I am somewhat in the same boat as D's s - neither my husband nor I has any experince with any of this, so there is really very little chance of a connection, or control or, I'm not even sure what to call it, like you describe here.

    It's a part of why I really don't know what to call what we have. We do take a lot of ideas from this general realm. A lot of the changes we have made have had interesting and unexpected impacts on each of us, and have led to each of us learning and changing more. But I really don't know what it is in the end; although I think that, in the end, it doesn't change anything to call it one thing or another.
    Thank you.

  7. Green Girl,

    I went ahead and published your comment, however if it causes you any ill feelings please contact me right away and I shall remove it.

    The reason I did publish is I believe there are many like you who are confused by all the terminology within the realm of "that thing we do." The reality is there is no right or wrong way of doing things -- to that end it is smoke and mirrors. You will find your footing, as will your husband. Together you will both learn and grow in your relationship.

    This will happen, understand, not because of what you read or do not read but because all relationships evolve over time. Your husband might become more assertive as he becomes more comfortable in his role. It is a natural progression or at least should be. The most important bit I could ever offer anyone new to this lifestyle, is to continue talking, expressing your views, and even your fantasies with each other.

    Often I found the things that scare people are the very thing they most crave.

    Be well,

  8. I feel the same way mouse. I feel that I was this way since birth. Looking back at all relationships I just wanted a Master.
    Going back to your post about trust and the reading this again it goes hand and hand.
    I don't know how I feel while reading this. It makes me feel completed because this is what I've been missing in my life but I'm wondering if I can bring my Master and I to this point.

    1. Please continue to read and comment. You're taking mouse on a long walk down memory lane.

      You and your Master will likely find your own way on this path.



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