Omega asked me something last night in bed just as I was drifting off to sleep about what was the most important lesson I've learned since we've (well I have) been on this journey. Things between us have been moving along like a well-oiled machine lately and he was curious about my thoughts.
I thought about it and thought and thought...like the Grinch, until my thinker was sore. Many thoughts came to mind at once.
Trust
Honesty
Submission
Curiously enough for me they're all related words. Go figure. Handing yourself over to someone should never be taken lightly by either party. It should be thought about and not done on a whim or after a weekend of having the best sex in your life. There are ramifications to making a poor choice. Once that's done, nothing just ends, it begins. I still had a lot to overcome. First obstacle was honesty. I needed to learn, which went hand in hand with trust and submission, to be honest with Omega. There were times in the beginning that I required a lot of correction, but eventually Omega understood that there underlying reasons for my misbehavior. I was doing it be punished, because punishment to me took the pressure off. It was easy and gratifying but it didn't fix me.
Eventually I had to trust. In Omega and myself. I had to put all my faith into his ability to help me become balanced. He guided me, and expected complete honesty about what I was feeling. Nothing was insignificant. When I didn't like or enjoy soft touching and caresses, it was O who stopped the hard play at once until I was reconditioned more or less to accept it. Now I find I crave it, and again, I need to be honest with him when I do. Just like I crave certain things to be done to me physically, like a good beating. I need to tell him...in fact, he makes me tell him. It was so hard in the beginning to let go of that fear or embarrassment. Maybe it's a submissive quality that made me keep silent at times, quietly stewing over feeling neglected. Neglected is probably not the right word, maybe just pushed aside. My inability to embrace my neediness out of fear of appearing too needy. I needed him. I needed and craved his touch. It all hinged on trust. I didn't trust him or myself with those feelings. He can't fix a problem that he doesn't know is there. In keeping silent about me wanting a good beating, or cuddle, hurt us. It undermined my relationship with Omega, because it really showed a lack of trust, honesty and therefore submission.
I can't stress enough that none of this happened over night, or even in just a couple months, it happened very gradually over the whole course of our time together. Yes, we've had setbacks, but together we moved forward from them and are together now stronger than ever. I had to remove my internal filters that kept from expressing myself to him. I know for me a lot of my lack of sharing stemmed directly from not wanting to bother with him with all my thoughts (good or bad ones), because it seemed like a big burden to him. What I didn't realize was that not only did he want those thoughts but he needed them to decide which course to take with me. If I remained silent about them, then it made his path muddy. Now we take time each day to share those thoughts with each other and I'm so glad we do.
So, there they are, my big three trust, honesty and submission and for me I can certainly say if I didn't have the first two, no matter how I would try to spin it, we wouldn't have the relationship we do have.
7 comments:
Amazing. You two have grown so much together over the time. Trust, honesty and submission. Seem almost too simple when you put it into words. Almost.
Mouse,
These things obviously can't be really *learned* except through living and trying and experienceing. But, your writing about some of these things has, over the past year, made me look at what I do and think about it differently, particularly honestly telling him how I feel about things, even small or unpleasant things. Thank you.
Gray,
Ya, it seemed when he asked it...it can't just be that. But those things without one makes the others so much less I guess.
Hugs,
mouse
greengirl,
I see your point about "learned" verses maybe acquired thought processes. The growth I've felt over the past year has been incredible. I've learned so much about myself and what I thought I was right or wrong about me.
He's helped me lose the edit that kept me from saying certain things (especially when they come down to basic needs or wants). Now that I've seen how much better it can be when I do trust to share those big and not so big things with him, I couldn't imagine going back to how things were.
Hugs,
mouse
I'm so glad the two of you have reached this point in your journey together and that because of his love and guidance you're well on your way to healing over past abuse.
You're right... trust and honesty can make or break a relationship. Just looking back on my own relationship with Asha and comparing times when the trust and honesty were there as opposed to times when it wasn't... there's a huge difference.
It's amazing how settled you can feel when you are able to trust enough to be honest with everything you feel. Even when you don't get what you want... at least you get everything you need.
*hugs*
turiya (a.k.a. spirited)
turiya,
it really is a beautiful thing. Trust is the key to much within this lifestyle it's huge but even outside it. Trust is something that doesn't come easy.
Hugs,
mouse
Very true... especially when you've had people betray your trust in the past.
*hugs*
turiya
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