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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Life rolls along

I blinked.  It's April.  I know it's true because I paid my mortgage.  Where does time go?  It's been a year almost since I opened this blog.  Lots of things have changed but most of all I've changed in that year.  I've settled down and become balanced.  None of these changes happened over night or over the course of just a couple months, but very gradual.  Honestly I think only the people that have read my blog from the beginning would notice it.  Everyone always would talk about "gift of submission."  What about the gift of Dominance?  That's a gift O has given to me.  He guides me, directs me, sometimes towered over me, and other times stood directly behind me.  Last year I made a big decision, I asked the man that had always been there to really be there.  We talked about it, because he, and rightfully so, wanted to be sure I fully understood what it would mean to become his.  Understood, yes, but only to a point.  I knew and trusted he would never hurt me the way Alpha had.  I just couldn't comprehend how much better he would make my life.  At first I gotta admit, I had no problem submitting to him in anything sexual.  It was the rest of the stuff that gave me trouble, but over time I did learn to do things the way he likes them done.  It's no longer about me...but it's not about him either.  It's not even about us.  


It's really about that thing we do.  How separately we're two nice enough people, but together we're a force.  I think, and I might be deluded, we really do complete each other.  I know I am better with him, and I think maybe he's better with me.  He is dominant in everything and I am the one lowering my eyes in submission to him.  I don't let him just have his way, but accept that it's only way.  


This required a big change in me and maybe in him as well.  Again it wasn't accomplished overnight, but slowly.  Often even when I thought I was standing still, I was still moving forward, toward the goal of becoming his perfection.  I'm far from perfect, and I can't even say that I'm "perfect" to him.  It's not about that kind of perfection.  It's really about the kind of perfection that comes from working as one unit.  The leader and follower.  As leader he makes the decisions, but as a good leader he always listens to others first.  He wants suggestions.  Then he decides the course we should take.  


Sometimes when he decides something contrary to what I think we should do, it smarts.  Yes, my ego is somewhat bruised...but he's always (well, normally) right.  Yes, sometimes he just gets it wrong.  But he will always be the first to admit that he should have listened to me.  Once when that happened, I gave him the, "ya duh," reply.  That was wrong of me.  Being right was enough.  I learned not to do that.  I learned to remind him that he made the decision he really believed was best.  Because honestly that's the truth.  This doesn't mean that I can't tease him tho...that's really fair game but I never do it to be disrespectful.  


Becoming his meant I had learn to like things I normally never cared about.  Like football, baseball, basketball and his first loves of Hockey and Golf.  Ok I still don't like any of those things but I'll sit there beside him while he enjoys them.  I don't even startle anymore when he yells at the TV.  I've had to learn to cook for him and understand his dietary concerns.  The meals I make aren't always exciting, but they are healthy.  


In some ways I've become like a 1950s wife.  I don't hound him when he walks through the door with everything little thing that went wrong.  Instead I greet him with a smile, and fix him a cocktail if he asks for one.  I arrange his things on the table, and make sure there's a clean fluffy towel if he wishes to shower.  I take care of him because he takes care of me, and the better he takes care of me the better I am...


That's the circle.  It's never ending.  It's doesn't bend just because one of us wills it.   We have shaped it together.  My curve matching in the mirror image of his.  

10 comments:

  1. A year flies by but you are right. As a long time reader of your blog, you have changed. It has been a wonderful journey for us to be able to read about it but for you, life changing. *great big hugs*


    PS: Thank you for the heads up on the non showing links. I fixed it.:)

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  2. What a beautiful post! O sounds like Daddy, with the sports, esp hockey and golf! I, too, have learned to quietly enjoy being with him while he enjoys these things. Hey, and I even kind of like hockey now--they have great fights, when the refs don't spoil it! ;p

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  3. Mouse,
    That's a really, really nice image. I know that real life goes by, day by day, but it all adds up to what you have described.

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  4. I don't think you're deluded at all. I think some people manage to reach this level of truly becoming one unit within their relationships... and it really does make you stronger as a unit. Asha described it once like this... he said that at some point the dominance and submission sorta disappears. Not that we stop being dominant and submissive, but it becomes such a natural part of who we are together that we don't have to think about it anymore.

    I think that happens naturally when the give and take in the relationship is going both ways... when everyone is getting what they need. Like everything else in life, it's a balance... and when you find that balance it can literally make you feel invincible.

    *hugs*

    spirited

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  5. Gray,

    You are too sweet and thank you so much. Great big hugs back to you.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  6. Little Butterfly,

    Who knows maybe one day it won't seem so bad. Tho, I gotta admit I loved watching the Olympics with him.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  7. GG,

    Thanks so much!

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  8. spirited one,

    Yes, and I'm glad I'm not deluded :-)

    I think there is a yin and yang that goes on in these types of relationships.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  9. It has been a while since I have read your posts, and i must say I am thrilled to see the continuing progress the two of you have made. I will also tell you your confidence level seems to have ramped up incredibly. I'm happy for both of you!

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  10. I was going to wait until I read through your entire blog to comment on anything, but I just have to say I love hockey too. It's rare to find a true hockey fan so I'm sorry, but I'm behind Omega on that one!

    Great post as always, mouse.

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