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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Burning off, slippery slopes & jagged edges

Being the center of attention on Mother's Day is a concept very new to mouse. Although the fogginess still hadn't cleared, she knew we had big plans for the day Omega's parents, brother and sister-in-law (as well as her mother) and also Lucy and Schroeder joined us.  The kids played and the men....they cooked the meal.  Yes, and not barbecue either, a real meal.  We all sat down in front of the TV and watched girlie movies.  The kind of movies O makes fun of.  At one point the guys in mocking fashion, acted out a scene from Steel Magnolias (O's brother was in the Sally Field part).  Laughter filled the room.  Dunno maybe it just the guys way of getting to watch Hockey or something.  Something about finals.  Most of it went over mouse's head.  But not a dish was left in the sink, mouse truly felt like a queen for a day! 


Gifts were handed also, flowers, cards...a spa day!


Thank you Sir for a wonderful mother's day.


Most of the day mouse was fairly quiet.  Sunday evening she did her new ritual of an evening bath (Omega wants his mouse well cared for).  She lit candles and slipped into the hot water.  There she can read, think or meditate.  She chose a combination of meditation and thinking.  When she came out of the bathroom Omega was in the room, waiting for her.  He pulled her close to him, shooed the dog out, and took her to the bed.  He wrapped his arms around mouse in a much protective way as she pulled herself close to him as close as she could get.


In the early morning hours of Monday she woke with this huge urge to write some thoughts down about week wonderland.  Still trying to pull them out of her head, and much of that went into her private blog with Sir.  The week brought certain feelings to the surface, realizations, and rationalizations, one of them being how clearly separated the inner and outer mouse's are from each other.  By drawing out that inner mouse, the slut, whore or whatever you want to call her, and allowing her to stay into the open he changed something significant within.  





The fog is burning off, slowly but the focus is starting to return.  The thoughts about her journey into Wonderland still perplex her but those are easier controlled as the days become again more or less about routine and ritual.  Yesterday Sir came home to find not only dinner on the table waiting, but it was his favorite meal a fish dish he is fond of, with saffron risotto, asparagus and hollandaise sauce.  But seriously, there must be an easier way to make hollandaise...sure it was good, but it took a long time!  All that whisking in that double boiler.  Mouse isn't sure she'll be doing that again.  If anyone knows of an easier way please let mouse know.


Sir has also used the past few days to his advantage, with mouse's fuzzy headspace he's been encouraging mouse to not say so many bad words.  He finds it distasteful in women.  When we're together in total private that's a different story.  He likes it when mouse uses words that makes her blush.  When mouse controls her words, and speak more softly...Sir praises his pet and it makes her happy.  Of course when she stubbed her toe and let loose like a sailor that was met with a frown.  We're spent a lot of time discussing the past week, and Sir has decided that he likes the effect that morning maintenance has on his mouse.  A quick meeting in the basement is all that's needed.  It does require a change in routine, so now mouse stays in her bathrobe until after Sir leaves for work.  Most times it's done over his knee, but if we have more time he will use the bench.  That leaves mouse feeling warm for a couple hours at least, sometimes longer, but nothing like that deep fog she felt before. 


Is submission like a slippery slope one just slides down?  Or is it more like jaged edges that catch you for a moment until you slip again and fall deeper?  


This one isn't sure anymore.  Sir's been watching his pet carefully and decided that today it might be ok for her start driving a little (short trips only).  Also, the messenger arrived yesterday with a new project for mouse to work on.  Back to the grind?  His lists for mouse to do remain a little more detailed but slowly those details are starting to diminish.  Part of mouse misses that and part of her doesn't.  


The uncontrolled need or desire to crawl inside him and live there tho continue.  Not sure if anything can be done about that and not sure if Sir would change it if it were possible.  While not completely certain of this, mouse does think maybe Sir likes it.  Perhaps it's just a shade of the inner mouse or biproduct...


As the days pass, during meditation and reflection the fog slowly burns off, and clarity seems to return.  Thoughts continue to be processed, discussions continue, Omega embrases all of it, including the confusion.  In the past it's been difficult to separate what Alpha did with what Omega has done (not that O has ever done anything bad).  It's been written about before, but it causes confusion at times, it caused issues with subspace, fear, afraid of totally submitting.  it all stemmed back to the conditioning that Alpha did.  He wanted fear.  O doesn't want fear and finds it all troubling.  During the days of use, he spent a great deal of time not only engaged in hard play, but also equally important, before and after care.  He spent time before the play holding and comforting, giving a little information to ease tension.  Encouraging trust.  Bringing the mouse to new heights...and then providing a safe place to return to earth.  Yes there was time spent in a cage but only after the tears stopped.  The cage became a place of great comfort and safety.  Like the penis gag.  The after care continued until the morning, with O getting little sleep.  During the day the lists provided comfort.  With Alpha there was only hard use, and no comfort.  During this time, tho it seems horrible for some to imagine, it helped to finally put to rest the confusion.  To separate really the two men.  To trust and not just give lip service to trust, but really trust with everything.  It's easy to say I trusted O.  His trust and faith in mouse never wavered.  But now clearly as that fog burns off, she can see where trust was lacking.  That has changed.  Replaced with more respect, love...


As her mind moves further away from those days of use, she does find it easier to draw the little bits and pieces, put them into an order and reflect on them.  As she reflects she is becoming aware that her journey isn't really "hers" at all, but really about life with him.    

14 comments:

  1. Mouse,
    Thank you for sharing all of this with us. It has been challenging, fearful, breath taking and lovely to read about. I'm sure i can't imagine the range of feelings for you.

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  2. Now that sounds like a wonderful Mother's day! I am a bit jealous. *giggles*

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  3. i think you are very fortunate to have these experiences with "O".
    i will keep following your blog i find it very insightful..

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  4. Mouse, what a lovely Mother's Day you had.

    Thank you for sharing all this with us. I do enjoy reading here.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  5. Mouse, you sound so content and happy. Even though there are still things that you are working out in your head and some may confuse you or send your mind whirling, you seem grounded and very content in your relationship with Omega right now. I hope this is how you feel too, and if it is I am so happy for you!

    Love and hugs,
    Alice

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  6. Mouse, I have a question... You often say that you wish to crawl inside Omega and to live inside him, however, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you phrase it as if it is a bad or unwanted thing. Maybe not bad, but not necessarily something you want, or something you're worried about being wrong.

    I find that whenever you say something like that, it's rather beautiful. Don't all of us slaves feel that way, to constantly be in the protection of our Masters and to feel a part of them? That's how I take it when you say you want to be inside him. I often have this desire as well, as if I can never physically get close enough to my Sir to compare to how mentally close I feel to him.

    I've found the past week or so of your journey to be quite amazing. Talk about subspace, to actually LIVE in subspace rather than just a quick visit... I'm a new slave, so I've yet to experience anything as profound as this, but I really hope to do so some day. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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  7. greengirl...your words are a good start, add in a healthy dose of confusion and you've got me.

    Gray....Can't wait to redeem that certificate. Just need to align schedules, we all decided there is safety in numbers so we're all going together...LOL

    His mountain girl...first Welcome! Glad to have you following.

    ronnie...Thanks so much....love your blog too.

    Alice....extremely contented...In fact never before have i been so peaceful. Or at peace with who mouse is...comfortable in that skin.

    Sheeva....You're right, it shouldn't be seen as a bad thing. It's the neediness that uncontrolled need to be one with him that sometimes feels so overwhelming when it hits...it feels completely powerless to withstand.

    Thanks for the wonderful comments..

    mouse

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  8. "He spent time before the play holding and comforting, giving a little information to ease tension. Encouraging trust. Bringing the mouse to new heights...and then providing a safe place to return to earth."

    mouse, your blog is really my favorite part of my day and i spend long hours reading and thinking and wondering and sharing thoughts with my Miss. and its lines like that above that make your blog so wonderful to read.

    you're so lucky to have your Omega. and i'm so happy for you. :) happy belated mothers day, mouse darling.

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  9. Sounds like you had a Mother's
    Day to remember. Must have made you feel loved and protected.

    FD

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  10. l like the way that you put that - that you drew out the "inner mouse" and let her stay out in the open. It's not often possible for me to reach into 'cindi' and allow her to stay out, for practical reasons, but when she is able to stay out, that truly is sublime for me.

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  11. Knorr Hollandaise Packets - just add milk & butter. I've tried every brand I could find (in an effort to be able to have hollandaise without all the effort!) and most of them are just flat nasty.

    But Knorr? It's good stuff!

    Thank you for sharing the journey you've been on recently! Intense and thought provoking.

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  12. Sounds like a great way to spend Mother's Day. :-D And I'm truly glad last week had such a positive effect, especially being able to finally distinguish between between what Alpha and Omega have done. It's amazing how putting love and care into something that seems horrendous on the outside can change it from an abusive experience to a healing one. I'm so happy for you and happy that it's helped you and O to become even closer.

    *hugs*

    turiya

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  13. Mouse - really nice mother's day! :-)

    I'm happy that you're liberating more and more parts of your life from associations to Alpha. I'm thinking about it something like this: if one was to be thrown out of an airplane and fall to one's death, the fall would be a horror indeed. But there are people who train skydiving, jump willingly from the airplaine and who know when to release the parachute to land safely, and for them the fall/dive is a sublime experiance. In one way, these journeys through air are the same, but in another completely different.

    Regarding the hollandaise - I haven't tried these, so I don't know if they're acceptable in taste, but it's a thought:
    http://bit.ly/9YeCP4
    http://bit.ly/bBUtMS

    I wouldn't resort to sauce mixes, with all the starches, additives and preservatives - the taste of the real thing just can't be beaten. But yes, Knorr is probably the best mix.

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  14. belle...thank you belle very much

    FD Sir...it did! Totally...

    vesta...it was nice to let that part of mouse out. It's nice to put her back too...she's really high maintenance. LOL

    Melanie...knorr huh??? O has issues with stuff that comes from a mix...but maybe worth a try thanks!

    turiya...ya sometimes mouse just gets the stuff jumbled up in her brain. It's nice to thoroughly understand why mouse did it and how it was faulty thinking.

    MsLennoxx...thanks so much! And also thanks for the two recipes...mouse likes the second one very much and sounds kinda easy. Will try that the next time. And will keep a knorr as a backup ;-)

    Thanks to everyone that took the time to comment...

    hugs,
    mouse

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