Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Burning off, slippery slopes & jagged edges
The fog is burning off, slowly but the focus is starting to return. The thoughts about her journey into Wonderland still perplex her but those are easier controlled as the days become again more or less about routine and ritual. Yesterday Sir came home to find not only dinner on the table waiting, but it was his favorite meal a fish dish he is fond of, with saffron risotto, asparagus and hollandaise sauce. But seriously, there must be an easier way to make hollandaise...sure it was good, but it took a long time! All that whisking in that double boiler. Mouse isn't sure she'll be doing that again. If anyone knows of an easier way please let mouse know.
Sir has also used the past few days to his advantage, with mouse's fuzzy headspace he's been encouraging mouse to not say so many bad words. He finds it distasteful in women. When we're together in total private that's a different story. He likes it when mouse uses words that makes her blush. When mouse controls her words, and speak more softly...Sir praises his pet and it makes her happy. Of course when she stubbed her toe and let loose like a sailor that was met with a frown. We're spent a lot of time discussing the past week, and Sir has decided that he likes the effect that morning maintenance has on his mouse. A quick meeting in the basement is all that's needed. It does require a change in routine, so now mouse stays in her bathrobe until after Sir leaves for work. Most times it's done over his knee, but if we have more time he will use the bench. That leaves mouse feeling warm for a couple hours at least, sometimes longer, but nothing like that deep fog she felt before.
Is submission like a slippery slope one just slides down? Or is it more like jaged edges that catch you for a moment until you slip again and fall deeper?
This one isn't sure anymore. Sir's been watching his pet carefully and decided that today it might be ok for her start driving a little (short trips only). Also, the messenger arrived yesterday with a new project for mouse to work on. Back to the grind? His lists for mouse to do remain a little more detailed but slowly those details are starting to diminish. Part of mouse misses that and part of her doesn't.
The uncontrolled need or desire to crawl inside him and live there tho continue. Not sure if anything can be done about that and not sure if Sir would change it if it were possible. While not completely certain of this, mouse does think maybe Sir likes it. Perhaps it's just a shade of the inner mouse or biproduct...
As the days pass, during meditation and reflection the fog slowly burns off, and clarity seems to return. Thoughts continue to be processed, discussions continue, Omega embrases all of it, including the confusion. In the past it's been difficult to separate what Alpha did with what Omega has done (not that O has ever done anything bad). It's been written about before, but it causes confusion at times, it caused issues with subspace, fear, afraid of totally submitting. it all stemmed back to the conditioning that Alpha did. He wanted fear. O doesn't want fear and finds it all troubling. During the days of use, he spent a great deal of time not only engaged in hard play, but also equally important, before and after care. He spent time before the play holding and comforting, giving a little information to ease tension. Encouraging trust. Bringing the mouse to new heights...and then providing a safe place to return to earth. Yes there was time spent in a cage but only after the tears stopped. The cage became a place of great comfort and safety. Like the penis gag. The after care continued until the morning, with O getting little sleep. During the day the lists provided comfort. With Alpha there was only hard use, and no comfort. During this time, tho it seems horrible for some to imagine, it helped to finally put to rest the confusion. To separate really the two men. To trust and not just give lip service to trust, but really trust with everything. It's easy to say I trusted O. His trust and faith in mouse never wavered. But now clearly as that fog burns off, she can see where trust was lacking. That has changed. Replaced with more respect, love...
As her mind moves further away from those days of use, she does find it easier to draw the little bits and pieces, put them into an order and reflect on them. As she reflects she is becoming aware that her journey isn't really "hers" at all, but really about life with him.