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Monday, May 10, 2010

Going down the rabbit hole

I wonder if I've been changed in the night?  Let me think.  Was I the same when I got up this morning?  I almost think I can remember feeling a little different.  But if I'm not the same, the next question is, "Who in the world am I?"  Ah, that's the great puzzle!  
                                                                --Lewis Carroll  

Mouse is still trying to put her thoughts regarding last week down and it's very early here the strong need to write woke her.  The last week was intense fueled by desire, lust and pain.  It was dark and light.  Each night and morning since she has woken to find O's member in her mouth, in fact she's grown used to it.  Even though the hard play has stopped the maintenance continues daily now for a while.  Omega's careful and been incredibly watchful of mouse during this time after.  Two thoughts have come into focus, first being no way would mouse want to live this way all the time.  Being so dependent on him for everything need, to not be able to move throughout the day without extensive direction and guidance.  There is no way mouse could function like that and work.  It was wonder for a week because his workload was light and mouse's was also.  To sustain that?  Impossible.  Sure from mouse's side maybe a bit more possible, handing everything to Omega, including her mind.  Not being able to work or drive, or care for herself in some reasonable fashion.  Being micromanaged to the point where thinking wasn't required, it's kinda easy to follow that kind of lead as the last week has demonstrated.  But...what happens when he becomes too busy or distracted to maintain that level of control?  And it would happen because that's the way life is.  The inner mouse is incapable of seeing the need to step up....ahhhh!  

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

He asked mouse how she enjoyed the past week and she didn't hesitate her reply. "Oh yes very much."  This has been something he's wanted to do for sometime with mouse. It had to come at an appropriate time, as he's said many times, his schedule must be light, my schedule must be light, no external stresses; life must be very even for this to happen--The planets might have to be aligned for all that to occur.  Yet, last week he was checking our schedules and decided now was just as good a time as any.  He's done it in the past and found it was very effective, prolonged use and pain, to shift the thought process.  Mouse giggled a little at that because her thought process has been altered so much over the past year....How far could she go into this mental abyss?  The neediness worries her, being so dependent on him.  What if something should happen to him?  

These feelings crawled inside mouse and refused to leave, but Omega kinda anticipated that.  He knows that overtime they will improve. Of course knowing that financially things will be ok, is fine, but it's the living without him that would hurt so much.  That's something he can't help with either.  Being like this, vulnerable and dependent while very pleasing to the Dom can be very scary to the sub.  I dunno maybe it's scary for them too.

Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only knew how to begin.

The mouse is quite certain of one thing, she doesn't want live her life in that type of fog -- tho it does have a certain allure.  Even now she reaches for words to describe the vast emotions that cascaded across her, but she isn't sure such words exist.  Her thoughts turning almost constantly to Omega and sex, her lust, his desire, her masochism and his sadism.  

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. I -- I hardly know, Sir, just at present -- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.

Even now her thoughts are scattered like tinker toys strewn across the floor.  A round piece here, another across from it, tethered by long stick-like piece.  Not part of whole design but just floating.  As the play intensified so did mouse's submission.  This was expected, but what wasn't was how she would crave those feelings when they were gone.  As she went about her duties (she is forbidden from driving until her focus returns), taking cabs for errands, walking to where she needed to go and even being reminded to eat, her thoughts constantly returned to just being close to him.  The way his body feels.  His scent.  His presence.  His voice.  As though she'd be apart from him for month, she hung onto each thought, each movement.  It was all she could do when he came home from work to not pounce on him.  

Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.  

Even thoughts of him causes her body to twitch, shudder and certain areas throb uncontrolled by her, yet with a glance he can control it.  A disapproving eyebrow arch can silence her, and a smirk can bring her into his arms.  He pulls her close and embraces her confusion.  He listens as she rambles through the feelings.  The inability to decide anything was also troubling, the fogginess confused her.  At the same time the freedom she felt, her mind incredibly a quiet void, empty of the garbage that normally fills it.  Being still without being told to, moving without thought or care.  Unable to communicate basic needs of herself, perhaps unable is wrong, maybe she just didn't need to communicate them?  A simple question would cause long pauses from her, as she searched for the words through a mental dictionary.  She would have to think and consider each response, even yes or no questions stymied her.  If there was a worst part to the whole thing, it had to be the foggy feeling and the uncontrolled neediness she felt.  Being apart from him was nearly impossible for mouse to handle, as there were frequent times she fought hard the tears.  Just insatiable want of him.  Apart, minutes seem like hours, pouring into days.  Together, hours are like seconds passing all too quickly.  Never really thought about that before.   Within her mind a role reversal occurred, where the inner mouse, the slut, the whore, came to the surface and saw all life had to offer.  All she cared about was O, not the other stuff.  The inner mouse could have cared less about the color of the flowers.  Can this just end?  Put to bed these thoughts and emotions.  Just return back to normal and put the slut back in the drawer.  

As the fog lifts the neediness has seemed to intensified, while at the same time, those feelings can be pushed aside more readily.  She knows a few nights she fell asleep with him in her mouth.  She needs that it seems.  However it makes sleep difficult for him.  Is it so wrong to worship his body as much as she does his mind?  He never once asked her for anything he knew she wouldn't do, even though he must know deep inside she would have agreed to anything.  Maybe the inner mouse hasn't been put away thoroughly yet, maybe she's still lurking in the dark shadows.

The truth is she hasn't felt this way since many, many years ago.  We have talked about that, in fact, last night.  He understood that the week of use of stir feelings about Alpha.  He doesn't want me helpless from fear, but somewhat helpless from lust and love.  And helpless isn't even the right word...not sure what is, but helpless isn't it.  

Those are issues I'm sure I'll continue to explore. 


  1. Beautiful post. I absolutely love Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. So many times I've thought of quotes from the book that seem to so accurately describe how I feel about bdsm. I loved the way you used them here. :)

  2. Very thought provoking. I've been giving a lot of consideration recently to how far I'm willing and/or able to go into the rabbit hole. When I first read about this, I was in a bit of a state of shock. I wasn't sure how anyone could survive it, but now I'm looking at it from a completely different perspective.

    How about overcome with lust and love... instead of helpless?



  3. I totally get the fear of losing the person that has power over you. I've always had a overactive fear about Brad dying, but I was able to push those thoughts away before. We were started getting more into TTWD I did start to feel more and more dependent and those fears became almost pervasive. I had a little help with a different way of approaching things, but definately still working on it.
    I'm having a hard time understanding what the purpose of this exersize was... was it to further your submission? to deepen dependency? or simply for what you've both enjoyed in the experience? to become closer? Or all of the above? Does the benefit of the experience last or is it limited?

  4. Heather B, thanks so much! Alice in wonderland thing seemed very fitting.

    turiya, surviving it was the easy part...the hard part is what does mouse takeaway from the process.

    Ally, mouse thinks that whole ttwd does make you more dependent on's kinda part of the process for those feelings to take up residence. Knowing there is a plan helps ease it but really only a little bit.

    So far the benefits seem to be lasting...Omega's been careful not to tell mouse the purpose, because mouse now believes that for everyone it might be different or even handled differently. Omega knew mouse would respond to prolonged use because that was what Alpha had done to her...what she realized is that it didn't have to be an abusive thing. But a good thing. It seemed to have helped mouse to realize even though she was shouting from the mountaintop that she trusted O (He never doubted that trust or rather her ability to trust), she didn't thoroughly trust him. She still had walls...she had just gotten so used to seeing them she didn't see them anymore.


  5. Funnily enough, it's the aftermath that I've been thinking a lot about. What it actually did for you... and what something similar would do for me... or for anyone for that matter. I've had so much going through my head about it and not all of it is directly related to this lifestyle believe it or not.



  6. Wow, this was sort of mindblowing. Thanks again for sharing.

    About the helpnessness - I think of Star Trek and how when the ship has been severely battered, there's a system overload, shields failure and they're like "Captain, we have lost all power to the engines and weapons systems and sensors. We have life support and auxiliary power only." (Yeah, I'm a bit of a nerd.) I can imagine it being very restful making no decisions at all, not even the easiest, like brushing one's teath.

    And of course the constant horniness - that sounds very exciting. ;-)

    However, it does sound almost like a drug, in a way. For myself, I think I would hesitate having frequente periods like this. Maybe I'm just overly cautious.


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