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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Where mouse made a discovery

A long time ago, Omega told mouse that in no uncertain terms she'd become his perfection.  This can sound very scary, because nothing's perfect.   But then again, aren't something's perfect?  Something can be perfect for mouse, like being tucked away in her cage after an intense scene.  Not completely removed from Omega, but just left somewhere warm and quiet, while she mentally returns to earth.  It's perfect for mouse.  Doesn't mean it's perfect for everyone else.  


Moving beyond what is being said, and looking at the intent of the words isn't always easy, but it's something we much all do.  Did Omega give mouse any reason to believe that she would be mentally destroyed?  Did he imply that everything that makes mouse, well mouse, would end?  Did it mean that she would become a doormat, and learn to only follow commands?  An addle minded robot or Stepford wife?  


The bigger question is, was mouse broken in order to get to that level?  


Short answer, no.  It did however require a huge change of attitude.  The first lesson was trusting Omega and there was a time where she didn't have a lot of trust in her Master.  Of course a lot of that was  based on her past abuse, his inability to save her from that abuse.  Lots of mental and physical obstacles mouse had to navigate through and move beyond.  It wasn't easy and there were many times she was ready to quite, but then she started to understand how accustomed she was to the earthquake.  The horrible feeling that the ground beneath her feet was always moving.  Once she discovered balance, then she was able to see how unhealthy that was.  But in order to gain that balance she had to give up some of her own personal control to Omega.  


Before, though she had always given a lot of lip service to....service, but at the same time she always held parts of herself back, yanno, in case things didn't work out.  The parts of her she felt he wouldn't want to control anyway.  He didn't want all her thoughts, he didn't want her neediness, she reasoned, so she could keep those things to herself.  He didn't need to know that she was questioning anything he said, or her submission.  What she didn't understand was that he needed to know those thoughts no matter how silly they seemed.  If she was afraid, she needed to express that in a safe way, so that he could understand what made her fearful.  Over time mouse learned not to let things fester until she blew up, but to let it out when it happened, talk about it.  Sure at times she didn't like the outcome, Omega wouldn't just change his mind about whatever the problem was.  But she had spoken her mind and that helped a lot. 


Does this mean that mouse tells Omega all her thoughts all the time?  Yes!  Ok, realistically he doesn't need to know that mouse needs to pee.  But the other thoughts, like what she's thinking about cooking for dinner,  or thoughts about the garden or thoughts about us as a couple he does need to know those things.  It's really about intimacy.  Not just physical, but also mentally intimate.  


The hardest lesson was for mouse to lose her filter, the little voice that would tell her things like, he doesn't need to know about that.  It might not change anything, him knowing, but it can ease the stress of not telling.  The other day mouse asked her Master for a long hard beating in the basement.  He was more than happy to oblige, but on his terms and when he was ready.  He made mouse wait until it was a good time and mouse found herself a twitching screeching mess.  


When it was over, and mouse had returned to earth, she was cradled in his arms.  Whispering she asked if she was perfect.  Omega replied after kissing her,  she was perfect for him.  


That's what it's all about and the point when mouse discovered how far she's come.  



4 comments:

  1. mouse, that was a wonderful post! I'm so happy for you that you were able to grow as a submissive to your Master and was able to open up and share with him.

    *Hugs*
    kitten

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  2. Mouse, this moved me so very much. I can relate to at least parts of it very well, on just a general, human level. I think that most of us learn early on to supress any inclination we might have to share that much of us, we learn to filter those things that we fear will make us appear less. And unfortunately, with good reason, having had such intimacies and honesty rejected in the past. But if we do dare voice those thoughts, and they are received in a good way, it validates our essential worth. Not only when we're smart and constructive and say clever things, but even the silly parts of us. I think this is very powerful and important, even if it doesn't end up changeing anything concrete.

    About becoming Omega's perfection. If Omega truly loves the essence of who Mouse is, I'm thinking that his perfection is the same as the very best you can be, especially if he is good at recognizing your qualities and needs. And reading your blog I'd say he is. :-)

    Hugs,
    Lennoxx

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  3. Mouse,

    Thank you so much for sharing. I am still growing myself and with M so I see myself in so much that you've said. It's reassuring to know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so happy you've grown and please don't take offense but you and Omega are an inspiration for both M and I.
    *hugs*
    Banana

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  4. Mouse,
    I've been really struggling with what and how and and how much to tell my husband about my feelings, which are plenty confused lately. A lot of it is similar reasons to what you talk bout here - some other things playing into it too. I guess it's good for me to hear that i'm not the only one to struggle with holding things back and not divulging the next level. I hope we (I) can get past this as you seem to have. It is good to hear tthe joy in your voice come through.

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