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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Anything but perfect

Morning (really not much good about it),

This morning mouse played around with the idea of calling this post Confessions of a Lazy slave.  Anything but perfect seemed to also fit.  Daddy is doing much better these days, still a bit of limp and still some pain but overall much better.  It's just that sometimes being 24/7 is soooooo taxing.  Its just everyday all the time, kinda like 7-11, why even bother having locks on the doors?   Daddy never needs a break from it, he never tires of it.  There are times when mouse thinks perhaps he could, he'll be caring and loving and oh so vanilla!  It's true and mouse begins to mentally ease and then it happens, he'll pull hard on that invisible leash that he holds so tightly in his hands.  And mouse is back again, reminded of her place.

Is it true that no one can be 'on' all the time?  Sometimes mouse feels like she needs a break from it all, but then again not.  It's as though mouse will get so lazy about doing things and then he pulls on the leash and she's filled with such remorse and he pulls again harder demanding compliance.  And she R-E-S-E-N-T-S it so much!

Then the tears come of regret, deep remorse and so many other things and it hurts so bad knowing that mouse let her Daddy down.

He sighs and reminds that it's part of living and learning, he holds her and whispers to her that its hard for him too.  But it doesn't really matter, because at the end of the day, the burden is on mouse.  It's never lifted and forgotten about, it's required that he has his expectations and she is supposed to be pleasing and fulfill his wishes and desires without question.  It is expected that mouse follow his rules, ask for his guidance and accept his "No" as an answer.

Even if it hurts.

Even if it's for her own good.

Even if she has hard time seeing it.

Especially when she has a hard time seeing it.

So, mouse goes on, swallowing the bitter pill of no and resigned in the fact that he is who he is.

HOH.

Master

Daddy

Omega

15 comments:

  1. I felt a bit sad reading this, mouse. It's your choice of course and I respect that.

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  2. Yep!! As Daddy and I merge our lives together one step closer, the 24/7 thing is a bit overwhelming. I know in my heart of hearts that all will be well but there is so much power that I will be totally relinquishing in the next couple months. I have never trusted a man as I trust and will be trusting him.

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  3. Hugs mouse ... it will all be okay my dear :-)

    Lilly

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  4. Dear mouse,
    no, no one can be 'on' all the time -it's impossible! What really matters (in my submissive opinion)is that you do your best while it's 'off' and that you work to make it 'on' again. Sometimes it's more like it's on 'standby'.
    I too felt a sad note in this post -until I read Malcolm's comment and it hit me: It's not really sad, it's 'low', battery running out and it needs to be recharged or it will go on 'standby' till it's plugged to the charger. *LOL* kinda became a laptop-metaphor, I apologize :P
    Maybe your charger is a little bit more vanilla time thrown into the mix?
    I dunno...just some free-flowing unorganized thoughts. Hope you will get your energy back soon (God knows I'm on the same level as you are right now!)

    Hugs x

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  5. It's strange mouse, I was just thinking about the whole 24/7 thing as I drove home from work. M and I don't have that and won't for the forseeable future, just getting to see each other weekly can be difficult at times. Yet I am intrigued by the concept of it and how it would work practically. Right now every moment I spend with M is perfect but I doubt I could sustain that 24/7. I have had bouts of depression throughout my life and wonder how I would handle that in such a relationship. You say you feel you need a break, I think everyone needs time to recharge their batteries and revitalise their life, especially after such a stressful time as you've been going through. I'm lucky that M and I share a passion for walking, it's our time as a couple away from D/s. We both need and crave our D/s dynamic but we need time off and time to enjoy other aspects of one another's character.
    I really hope you regain your balance soon.

    Hugs,

    Velvet <3

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  6. I think it's a real struggle for some of us, and always will be. For me the key is learning to truly accept forgiveness when it is given (meaning if Chess forgives me then I need to let it go too). I will always make mistakes, misstep, even purposely mess up, that's part of being human.

    I really think that is so important... knowing you won't be perfect and accepting that, and then trying your absolute best to reach his goals, to obey, to be as close to perfect as you can. And sometimes it is easy, sometimes really really hard.

    HUGS

    Alice

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  7. *big hugs* I'm here if you need to chat today...

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  8. mouse, That does sound hard, to be "on" all the time, and you work so hard mouse. Can you ask for a little more down time built in to your schedule?
    Ally

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  9. You know i felt that i was crazy when i started feeling this for the first time recently. After five years i finally felt like i needed a break and i felt let down and i felt like i was letting him down. No matter what i did i felt like it wasn't good enough because my mindset was not where i needed it to be.

    I am told it will get better, that it will pass. I am told that TPE isn't easy and well... with that i have to agree.

    Good luck, i wish i could help more but i think in this everyone deals with it on their own in the best way they can.

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  10. Mouse,

    I wonder if this is something that is felt in all relationships, even vanilla ones. Maybe at some point everyone feels they need a break from something for a moment just to recollect themselves and then dive back into life. It doesn't mean we'll get a break from life, but we want one...I don't know, just a thought. Hope everything gets better soon.

    Joss

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  11. Omega - time to go back to work bud...

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  12. i think all relationships wax and wane...i once heard a psychologist say that he and his wife "divorced and remarried about once every six months..." referring (i've always thought) to the way that you can be so in-sync for a period of time, then you seem to drift apart. It happens. It's okay. And like all things in a D/s (or M/s) relationship, it's more intense when it happens.
    At least that's kytten's $0.02. Hang in there.
    Hugs,
    kytten

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  13. Mouse,
    I think there are things and times and parts of life - any and everyones' life, that are just plain difficult and make us want to stop the ride and get off. The only way through those, is through.

    I also believe that there are things that we choose, or agree to, that are bad for us. I don't think we always know that they will be harmful in the long run until we get into them. I think that must be one of the hardest parts of being a slave - trying to obey, complying even with what you don't want, while trying also to be very honest about whether something is just unwanted, or truly damaging to you or the relationship. I guess that must be very hard thing from the other side too, to decide if something is just really hard, or actually not good. I hope you can (both)figure it out.

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  14. mouse,
    sending a big hug and hoping that you can ask for a little "down time". It sounds to me a little like the shock of the accident is catching up with you, you have been strong and full on since it happened.
    Take care.
    HSxx

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