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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Newbie Tuesday: Control

Just a side note:  It seems mouse forgot to post this today, even though it was almost written and on mouse's progress on the no talking thing...yesterday was very difficult!  Not speaking is really hard, even when there's no one around to watch you not speak -- like when Daddy was working.  Yes, that would mean talking to herself.  

When we submit we are in effect giving up control in our lives.  Decisions are taken away (tho, they might and should listen to what we have to say) there's no guarantee that they'll actually do it.  Often in the beginning it's exciting for the submissive.  It's the big reason why they chose to submit to another.  On the surface it seems to easy, but once you move deeper you start to realize it's not just about making weekend plans.  There are hundreds of decisions that are made daily and to have no real control over any of them?  It sounds overwhelming and impossible.  That's where rules come into play.  When Daddy and mouse first started he had very precise rules written out.  How mouse was to dress, behave, etc., they covered every possible scenario.  As time passed, Daddy started eliminating a lot of rules, and replaced them with simplified versions, 5 that cover just about anything that mouse does throughout the day.  Each morning mouse focuses on each of those and tries to keep the focus on them.  Most evenings they're discussed, specifically if mouse struggled with any of them.  

It's all about control, because without that there really can't be submission.  There cannot be a leader without a follower and most followers feel a bit controlled by their leader, though it's important to note such control shouldn't feel oppressive.    Maybe the bigger problem is that many submissive types have this mental ideal of what submission is (built up by fantasy) and then the first time the Dominant proclaims something unsavory, the submissive balks.  Huh?  You want what?  Seriously?  

Now it can be something simple, like saying after work, go straight home and call or text me but for some reason that sets the sub into a tizzy.  Sure, the sub is used to the normal commands about masturbation and other kinky stuff they might do, but this is different.  This is like "control."  It feels confining or even suffocating.  The sub might even be inclined to just blow it off, going to market on the way home, or out drinks with coworkers and calling much later than expected.  

How the Dom handles it, might greatly depend on his mood and if they even considered it a firm thing in their own mind.  Later in the evening it might occur to them, hey they haven't called yet.  Sometimes they might let it slide the first times, keeping mental score.  Then, maybe when they're annoyed with other things totally unrelated to their sub, they'll bring it up -- harshly.  

Assuming the submissive is serious about the relationship they will likely respond with remorse and even beg to be punished or at least willingly accept punishment.  Then things will roll smoothly until the next time and in the beginning there is usually a next time.  It's completely psychological, the submissive is balking not at the submission or the Dom, but the control.  This might lead to some angry outbursts by the sub (or even the Dom) and ultimately correction by the Dom.  As time passes, it can even seem to others that the whole dynamic (if the sub blogs), revolves around the idea of punishment.  Leaving their readers with a false impression about the health of their dynamic, or worse still her friends and family.  

The problem most have with control in a D/s or M/s type of dynamic is that people want it on their own terms.  The sub will enjoy the idea of feeling controlled but might balk at actually being controlled.  Feeling controlled is much different from being controlled, because feeling controlled is mostly fantasy driven with ideas about what their submission should feel like.  It's entirely different going out and buying a tight fitting corset and mentally telling yourself to wear it  and being commanded on a daily basis to wear one.  The two ideas are very different feeling.  To get beyond these negative feelings requires time and patience, but mostly bringing the sub along rather slowly, especially if she's new to the lifestyle.  

Be seeing ya!  



  1. This rings very true for me:

    "Feeling controlled is much different from being controlled, because feeling controlled is mostly fantasy driven with ideas about what their submission should feel like."

    So, so true! And yet, I've never thought to point it out to a newbie. Thank you for the insight, mouse.


  2. Nice post, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    Sometimes I'm afraid that when it comes down to it, I won't really be able to submit enough - or will decide I don't really want to. But on the other hand, it's kind of silly to worry about it when I don't have any reality to test myself against.

    Thanks again,


  3. Wht a thought provoking post, definitely deserves a second read to take it all in.
    Thank you for sharing your wise words.

  4. Hi mouse,

    Great post...and lol @ 'yes that would mean talking to herself' You're not alone;)


  5. Very interesting entry and a lot of valid points, hugs

  6. I keep coming back to this - it's a complicated thing - control - and a difficult thing for me right now - or maybe i just make it complicated and difficult, maybe it's really straightforward and simple. thank you though - worth thinking about for this not completely new newbie

  7. Hi mouse,

    That's my quandry a lot. In my mind I'm submissive to Daddy(my husband), but by my actions I fight it and argue and rationalize doing things a different way.

    An example is he told me to pay $500.00 on a bill this month and then next month to pay the balance and I was seriously tempted to ignore his instructions. I knew he'd be ticked if I didn't do what he'd told me, though, so I obeyed him, but my heart didn't want to.

    How do you make yourself want to ALWAYS obey?


  8. I struggle greatly with being controlled, it's not a fantasy for me, but it is my reality. It helps me to think about how much it pleases him. Sometimes I just want to avoid being punished for disobeying! It's funny how i can obey the big things but a tiny thing will make me want to rebel.

  9. wow you were describing me!

    I think a lot of my ideals about submission are things that I really DO want to do so being told to do so isn't a big deal.

    But then non-sexual submission, having somebody tell me to do something I really don't want to do? It doesnt quite ring the same.

    It does seem like it's something that has to be overcome and slowly and gingerly and after some trust is built up

  10. Hi, I'm in the process of reading through your entire blog so I'm a little late commenting on this. I identify so much with this:

    "The problem most have with control in a D/s or M/s type of dynamic is that people want it on their own terms. The sub will enjoy the idea of feeling controlled but might balk at actually being controlled."

    I'm craving the control but whenever C "suggests" anything to me I usually do what he says but I bitch and moan about it. I act like I don't want the control but I really do want it. I don't understand what's going on in my head.


  11. This post spoke to me. I resemble this so closely. My Owner has been pushing my limits with a bigger plug. I want it, but the minute he tells me I balk at it because it will hurt getting there. As a masochist light I don't understand why the pain makes me balk. The pain is half the reason I like it. I mean I like pleasing him and I like being filled up as well. Why does the pain make me balk when I like it? It is funny what people get mad about. I haven't discussed this with my Owner yet, but I haven't resolved it in my head yet either.


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