Faced with mysteries dark and vast

Greetings from mouse,

Life is a big mystery isn't it? Maybe as humans we like predictability and maybe that's why psychics are so popular? We like to think we're in control, but so much happens that's outside our control. It could also be why mouse seeks so much control, since to her it's like a warm blanket. Yesterday, after reading the blog, Daddy called work and said he wouldn't be in. We spent the day talking about lots of stuff. Eventually it might all come out here, just in small doses, because mouse is still processing much if it...and not at all certain she wants it out there. Daddy was right about one thing, it does all go back to mouse's childhood -- which wasn't bad, but kinda typical for the period.

For better or for worse, Daddy does guide the family and makes all the decisions, sometimes with a little input from mouse, when asked, but mostly on his own. He is more than capable to do this and mouse trusts his ability. He decides where we will live, where we vacation, how our savings is used or invested, what food we buy, etc. And mouse is grateful for all his guidance because she doesn't really trust herself in those matters. Other things, yes...but not all of it.

Yet, what is very strange is that her own faith in herself to make decisions is slowing ebbing away, as mouse used to make all these decisions for herself too, with fairly decent results. Over the last weekend, it struck mouse while we were dining out as a family, how easily mouse deferred to him over what her meal should be. We must be careful in public, mouse must defer to him in a way that seems very natural. He never jumps in and just says, "she will have..."

In this case, the waiter began with mouse, normally if they start with Daddy, he will order his first, and then say that mouse will have...whatever -- really can't figure out how they decide who to start with or maybe it's just as simple as where the person is seated at the table. Now, mouse handled it this way by looking at Daddy and said, "what do you think, really there's so many good things its impossible to decide." It wasn't a lie either, we've eaten there before and the menu is packed with good stuff! Daddy immediately jumped in and offered his thoughts and mouse replied that she'd have that. Its as though mouse is afraid that she'll chose something, get it and wish she picked something different -- it's happened many times.

It's a fragile balance of trust that we have, because mouse is equally responsible for the success of our relationship and our family, when there's a problem, like when she faced head on losing her job, Daddy shared the burden, right along with mouse. The authority lies with him and in his hands alone, but it doesn't negate her responsibility with all those things (he decided mouse wouldn't work anymore). Daddy always is cooperative when making the decisions and mouse depends on and trusts that won't ever change. When he decides for example where we'll vacation, mouse knows he'll take the whole family into consideration and not just say, "I've always wanted to hike through the Himalayas so we'll do that this year." Tho, he has made jokes about it, saying he wants to find a yeti. And in quiet times, mouse might lightly suggest he head out the back door and search for big foot instead. Joking is allowed, tho mouse has been warned more than once to curb the outright sarcasm.

Ahh, but wouldn't that be disagreeing? Shouldn't mouse be packing winter clothing in anticipation of yeti hunting? Well maybe that's where the trust comes in that he would pick something that mouse will enjoy for the most part.