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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Faced with mysteries dark and vast

Greetings from mouse,

Life is a big mystery isn't it? Maybe as humans we like predictability and maybe that's why psychics are so popular? We like to think we're in control, but so much happens that's outside our control. It could also be why mouse seeks so much control, since to her it's like a warm blanket. Yesterday, after reading the blog, Daddy called work and said he wouldn't be in. We spent the day talking about lots of stuff. Eventually it might all come out here, just in small doses, because mouse is still processing much if it...and not at all certain she wants it out there. Daddy was right about one thing, it does all go back to mouse's childhood -- which wasn't bad, but kinda typical for the period.

For better or for worse, Daddy does guide the family and makes all the decisions, sometimes with a little input from mouse, when asked, but mostly on his own. He is more than capable to do this and mouse trusts his ability. He decides where we will live, where we vacation, how our savings is used or invested, what food we buy, etc. And mouse is grateful for all his guidance because she doesn't really trust herself in those matters. Other things, yes...but not all of it.

Yet, what is very strange is that her own faith in herself to make decisions is slowing ebbing away, as mouse used to make all these decisions for herself too, with fairly decent results. Over the last weekend, it struck mouse while we were dining out as a family, how easily mouse deferred to him over what her meal should be. We must be careful in public, mouse must defer to him in a way that seems very natural. He never jumps in and just says, "she will have..."

In this case, the waiter began with mouse, normally if they start with Daddy, he will order his first, and then say that mouse will have...whatever -- really can't figure out how they decide who to start with or maybe it's just as simple as where the person is seated at the table. Now, mouse handled it this way by looking at Daddy and said, "what do you think, really there's so many good things its impossible to decide." It wasn't a lie either, we've eaten there before and the menu is packed with good stuff! Daddy immediately jumped in and offered his thoughts and mouse replied that she'd have that. Its as though mouse is afraid that she'll chose something, get it and wish she picked something different -- it's happened many times.

It's a fragile balance of trust that we have, because mouse is equally responsible for the success of our relationship and our family, when there's a problem, like when she faced head on losing her job, Daddy shared the burden, right along with mouse. The authority lies with him and in his hands alone, but it doesn't negate her responsibility with all those things (he decided mouse wouldn't work anymore). Daddy always is cooperative when making the decisions and mouse depends on and trusts that won't ever change. When he decides for example where we'll vacation, mouse knows he'll take the whole family into consideration and not just say, "I've always wanted to hike through the Himalayas so we'll do that this year." Tho, he has made jokes about it, saying he wants to find a yeti. And in quiet times, mouse might lightly suggest he head out the back door and search for big foot instead. Joking is allowed, tho mouse has been warned more than once to curb the outright sarcasm.

Ahh, but wouldn't that be disagreeing? Shouldn't mouse be packing winter clothing in anticipation of yeti hunting? Well maybe that's where the trust comes in that he would pick something that mouse will enjoy for the most part.


  1. I get it, I really do. It's a strange balance, because we really want that "blanket" tucked around us. But I get the same way, about stopping trusting myself. Sometimes Daddy forces me to make decisions when I draw too far into him, so I don't forget that I can. Usually I hate it.

    It's funny about going out, isn't it? I like how you handled it. It seems that around where we are, the waiters always ask me first. I guess it's a courtesy thing? I just look at Daddy (which makes the waiter look at him) and he orders for us (but I've already told him what I'd like.) They sometimes seem a little weirded out, but always get with the program really fast. Daddy says he doesn't care what they think, that they should be happy to see some old-fashioned gentlemanly manners for once. lol

  2. I love it! Let's spend vacation, as a family, hunting for bigfoot. Sounds like some great family bonding to me. ;) Take your camera so that if you do find one you have a record of it. You might just end up on the TV show...In Search Of Bigfoot, or whatever it's called.

    I have always viewed him as firm but fair. Even in having the last say and making the decisions, he always seems to have the best interest of you and the family at heart. He may not always make the right decision (after all we are all human and prone to mistakes), but he is always doing what he feels is best for all involved, and not just what he wants because he can. That is very honorable and admirable in my book. That is the sign of a god leader and man. Good for you both for having what you do with each other.


  3. Little Butterfly,

    It is funny about going out..sometimes they start with kiddo, other times Daddy, sometimes, mouse or MIL if she's with us. Sometimes mouse will just look to Daddy and say that she isn't sure but everyone else go ahead...

    Then everyone else places the order, and mouse waits for Daddy to suggest something.

    Both ways work out very well, depending on how many are dining with us. When it's handled the right way it never seems to raise an eyebrow. Just like if Daddy and mouse share a dessert and he feeds it to mouse..

    Most people seeing that, if they even pay attention, think it's romantic.


  4. DV Sir,

    When mouse first read your comment she thought...OMG you're encouraging this?!!

    But then you had the second and it's all true. He is VERY fair and does take everyone into consideration when planning vacations and EVERYTHING else we do.

    And if mouse should suggest something most times he'll do everything in his power to help it happen. That kind of support goes a very long way.


  5. Anonymous,

    It was jointly decided to not publish your remarks.

    The reason, simply put, is that you continue to say the same things and your point was made long ago. Your questions addressed in a candid way, yet you continue to just regurgitate the same old things. It's apparent to everyone you are mentally constipated and unable to see that there is more than one way to live a life.

    You don't agree with how we live our life. We ALL get that. We can and will simply agree to disagree.

    You can move on from here.

  6. Dear mouse,

    I know that you don't know me, but I feel like I know you, at least a bit, from having read your blog all the way through. I was struck by what you said today:

    "Maybe as humans we like predictability and maybe that's why psychics are so popular? We like to think we're in control, but so much happens that's outside our control. It could also be why mouse seeks so much control, since to her it's like a warm blanket."

    I know that desire for control. My husband and I live in a M/s relationship, but only sexually, not 24/7 (we're just not wired that way). And in those moments when I submit to him, I feel safer than anywhere else in my life.

    I also know, though, that no matter now much I desire control, life inevitably gets in the way. My husband I experienced 4 major losses in about 4 years (deaths, illnesses, etc.) It made us realize how little control either one of us really has. (I know you have also bravely faced major difficulties.) I would imagine having a baby would kind of like that, except in a good way? How could anyone not want to feel that they are safe and controlled? How could anyone feel control when they are responsible for a tiny, fragile, little new being.

    What we (my husband and I) try to do is live in the now. Right now, at least, we have no illnesses, no financial concerns, etc. We hold onto what does give us a sense of control (sexuality, jobs, money, health). I know that eventually one or more of those things will disappear. But right now I have them.

    I just wanted to say that I really admire how candid and open you are about your feelings. It makes people (or at least makes me) want to write back, even if I'm not sure what I say offers any help or even makes much sense!


  7. Hi mouse,
    I only recently discovered this blog and I want to say how much I enjoy it. Congratulations on the new baby. Even more, I hope you find total peace in your life.

    Good wife

  8. Dear Lily,

    Welcome to our blog and we hope to see more of you. Yes, their control is a very safe feeling and your so very right that life does get in the way. The baby has changed our lives in wonderful ways. And yes baby's are impossible to control...wouldn't want to try to.

    There is so much that is out of our control, and precisely the reason mouse gives up so much control to Omega. It feeds us both very well!


  9. Dear goodwife,

    Welcome to our blog! We hope you'll continue to comment here on occasion. Do you have a blog yourself?

    Thank you for your comment, and yes, mouse is finding her way through this minefield of emotions.


  10. Sir also orders for me. It often gets strange looks, but for this, if we're alone, I don't really attempt to provide a cover for the behavior. If we're with people, I will.

    If it's just you and Omega, will you still always provide that cover, and why?


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