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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

For all the wrong that you made right....

Greetings from mouse,

Sometimes thoughts overwhelm mouse, they stir and bubble up like soda poured in a glass. The truth is that mouse is so very grateful to Daddy for everything he's done for mouse. He rescued her from Alpha more than once. Now, of course we've discussed this during private times. The point is we stood by each other, until mouse couldn't watch him destroy his life.

After we reconnected, he's helped mouse in ways she can't begin to list. He stayed by her bed when she was hospitalized. The whole time, he didn't leave. He's read to mouse from classic novels and magazine articles, the sound of his voice makes her quiver. When he realized how bad the abuse was, he, more than anyone helped mouse move beyond it. Yes, it's his nature to dominate, to try to control, but he also knows when to not control. He likes things orderly, and does gets twitchy when things get too crazy.

It's the craziness mouse tries to keep at bay. In the evenings mouse tries to keep the house quiet for him, greeting him with a cocktail in hand, dinner nearly finished and perfect, with candles lit. Smiling she serves his dinner, everything he needs is waiting for him.

Except lately, he comes home hearing the baby scream, dinner dried out or burned...or worse, still in the oven no where near ready; and mouse looking at him with an expression that closely resembles Jack Nicholson's in The Shining. The house is unkept looking and strewn with stuff. The kiddo's homework litters the table thats not yet set.

And it worries mouse, it's a deep fear of total failure. Its not that she worries that he'll get angry, yell or punish her, because she knows he wouldn't. The worry is that he'll stop coming home. He'll avoid the mess all together. That he'll grow distant. That one day things will settle down enough to light those candles, it won't matter.

That's why mouse tries so hard for it now. If she can just manage one peaceful night a week for him, so he can see how important he is to all of us. None of that other stuff will happen. If she can manage just one day this week, maybe next week, she'll manage two! All she really wants is for the bad nights to be the off ones...not normal.


11 comments:

  1. you know.

    If Omega were worried that you were on the wrong path

    he would pick you up
    set your feet on the right path
    and firmly
    redirect you

    you're just being double dommed right now -- by Omega and the Baby ...and baby is winning

    this will not last forever

    and he is wise enough to know it

    sfp

    (please remind me of this when I get my placement and I freak out about neglecting M)

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  2. Yes I know sometimes life gets in the way of living.

    I remember thinking and feeling like the children stage was going to trap me forever. But all at once it is over. . .done. . and sometimes that can be very difficult. . the done part. . especially if one partner divides the children's loyalty. And there is no predictor of what the future may bring.

    Live in each moment . . revel in what is in your hand. . don't wish for the next step, and rather allow every detail to be an opportunity to learn and enhance your submission.

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  3. Mouse,
    I remember so many evenings when my first baby was so little coming to the door as my husband walked in from work an I would just hand him the baby and collapse or leave for a walk or a nap. He was tired and wanted peace after work also, but he would give me an hour. And that made all the difference. His giving me that bit of help allowed me to regroup and do better for the whole family. That phase didn't last long. It really, really does get better.

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  4. welcome to parenthood (laughing) it does get better and it is totally worth it.

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  5. I never had a baby, so my thoughts are "theoretical," but your remarks sound a little bit like you don't really, 100 percent, trusf Omega--or trust his love for you and the baby. (Please I mean no offense.). You have submitted to him so deeply. Why do you not trust that he will get past the (temporary) chaos of life with a newborn? If he is your master, then you must trust him; it is part of your submission.

    (i also wouldn't discount the effects of hormones and lack of sleep.)

    Hugs,
    Lily

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  6. I believe mouse needs a nap and a break.

    A few thoughts:

    sfp "you're just being double dommed right now -- by Omega and the Baby ...and baby is winning"

    Yes, as it should be. The baby requires much more care than I do.

    Serefina ". . don't wish for the next step, and rather allow every detail to be an opportunity to learn and enhance your submission."

    Mouse are you paying attention to that remark? You should be..

    greengirl "He was tired and wanted peace after work also, but he would give me an hour.

    Absolutely, while the tears and crying is a bother, I get to spend time with my daughter.

    J That is exactly what I said to mouse.

    Lily "Why do you not trust that he will get past the (temporary) chaos of life with a newborn?

    Lily although I am not 100% certain, I believe mouse might be reflecting on her own childhood a bit. I believe this explains the preoccupation of being a "Stepford Wife," and making our home perfect. It is likely that she has internalized these fears her entire life and having a baby has brought them all to the surface. I believe it is I who might have fallen short. I see a strong woman in my mouse, more than capable of handing anything that comes her way.

    I am rather proud of mouse for writing this, I am pleased that she feels safe to share these thoughts without fear of recrimination. At the moment she is feeling a bit like glass and while I have assured it that it does get easier, she has a host or hormonal interactions that are telling her different.

    Be well,
    Omega

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  7. mouse, what everyone else and Omega said. Just wanted to add that your description of looking like J. Nicholson in The Shining is hilarious. Good you keep a sense of humor too..hugs, K

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  8. I love Omegas answers. :-)

    When we had our baby, we stressed out completely - over the D/s "disappearing" (it didn't, but I was afraid it did, and felt like a failure - I can totally relate) and over our own childhoods somehow reecreating themselves in our life, all that angst och and separation anxiety came roaring to life at the most inopportune moment.

    For us, just when we really really needed to be adults and also when we really really needed to connect to each other - we became frightened lonely children again.

    That combo isn't so great.

    Anyway, it passed. :-) Sleepdeprivation and a whole new family member is a lot to take in. With time, it gets better.

    Taking care of a baby is about the most difficult job anyone can have. That it's hard doesn't mean you're not good at it!!

    (But it does mean that your absolutely entitled to feeling like crap and whining a lot and getting as much help from everyone around you with anything you want as they possibly can! :-) )

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  9. Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments and support. Tuesday was a total crap day and yesterday was much much better...

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  10. Mouse it does get better. I know you have one kiddo but i know this is your first biological child. It takes alot out of your body. Allow your self time to heal. Have you tried extra meditation. Even some accupuncture may help. Please take good care of yourself so you can take awesome care of your little one. And lean on O thats what he is there for.

    Kay

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    Replies
    1. Kay,

      Daddy's been taking wonderful care of mouse. Yes, been doing some meditation, sometimes the fears just get inside mouse and it's hard to let go.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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