This time of the year is historically a difficult time for mouse, while each year that passes is less so, she still carries scars from her past. It is my duty, not only as her Master, but as her husband to protect her. I must confess, I do not read all the journals mouse follows. I do sometimes glance or glean over them.
With this in mind I have asked that mouse take a step back from this journal. I do understand that she has an important topic she will post on the fifteenth (15th) of this month. I will allow her participate in the event.
Occasionally a topic will crop up that while I cannot stress enough of its importance; I also will silently hope that mouse will not read it, as it will act as a trigger for a memory or an entire thought process. I try not to forbid her, although I may be tempted. Instead, I have determined perhaps to have her read these with me so that we might discuss them.
Recently, several journals have broached in their own way several such topics. One recently being about self care, while another topic, some time ago, had to do with rape within the lifestyle. Both are highly educational for novices as well those of us with much more experience -- both of which I believe mouse went a tad off the rail. Not to suggest there was anything erroneous with her comments, however they were not, in my opinion, completely forthright.
Within the lifestyle there are those dominant types who hold a belief that their slave or submissive should kneel before anyone that asks and even those who do not. They should offer their bodies willingly without hesitation. It should come as little surprise mouse's former owner held a similar belief, but he in only what can be described as sociopath behavior, stripped mouse of the basic human instinct toward self-preservation.
Several incidences over the course of her time together with him and preceding his death, mouse was raped or nearly raped. Herein lies the problem, mouse believes only once was it "real," rape. I will attempt to illustrate by offering a few examples:
The, since retired, high corporate official who approached mouse in late hours demanding oral gratification from mouse because he heard "she was good at it.' Her then owner praised her for dropping to knees in the washroom to placate him and did little to quash the rumors that propagated about her, which led to more humiliation and abuse. Again, I have heard others inside the lifestyle reply in similar fashion, when like stories circulate as if to demonstrate how truly submissive their girl is.
When I heard of it, casually on the golf course, I was enraged. I was angry with all involved, myself included. I was part of that mess that was mouse's life. I took from her when I needed to, but I had her consent.
No. Not entirely accurate.
I had his consent to use her sexually. I aided in her harm. I assisted to create the very issue mouse still carries with her.
After his death, mouse attended a lifestyle event and was raped as part of a scene, while I was not present at the event I was informed about by several others who did witness it; everyone failed to act. This was followed by a man she met online, who convinced mouse to meet her in a motel room. He brought three friends. She never once told me she was raped. To her, she had consented to whatever they wished to do. When I pressed her, she did eventually explain what had occurred, which to me was rape.
There is a fundamental quality given off by deeply submissive women that which simply attracts these types; but, most do not share mouse's past nor do they understand how vulnerable she is. While these other submissives are largely equipt to self-protect, mouse cannot help herself. That part of mouse's mind shuts down and she reverts to rote behavior. She will allow it. This was a perverse experiment fostered by a sociopath that led to her own diminished capacity. This is often met in the lifestyle with distain for mouse. Somehow she is alone accountable for the abuse she suffered. That somehow she could control it.
Some women have fantasies about rape. Even mouse, but I will not touch those; instead I refuse to take her there, by reason of I have seen where it goes for her.
Today, mouse still has no way to interpret intent. When I become frustrated with mouse, she will often try to please me, as she has been conditioned to do. Mouse is not to blame for this and bears no culpability whatsoever. We cannot condemn the victim.
I do take full responsibility for mouse's mental health, I do take control in caring for her. Her happiness and sadness are all on me. I try to cautiously undo the harm perpetrated against her in the past. This has been met with successes and abject failures. I strive to protect and insulate her from all harm, even when I have caused her great harm, I have made the needed adjustments. I do all this because she worthy of every bit of effort it takes.
I know many feel I am heavy-handed with my control or over-protective of mouse, this is not without reason. To me it is required.