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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Diminished Capacity

By Omega

This time of the year is historically a difficult time for mouse, while each year that passes is less so, she still carries scars from her past. It is my duty, not only as her Master, but as her husband to protect her. I must confess, I do not read all the journals mouse follows. I do sometimes glance or glean over them.

With this in mind I have asked that mouse take a step back from this journal. I do understand that she has an important topic she will post on the fifteenth (15th) of this month. I will allow her participate in the event.

Occasionally a topic will crop up that while I cannot stress enough of its importance; I also will silently hope that mouse will not read it, as it will act as a trigger for a memory or an entire thought process. I try not to forbid her, although I may be tempted. Instead, I have determined perhaps to have her read these with me so that we might discuss them.

Recently, several journals have broached in their own way several such topics. One recently being about self care, while another topic, some time ago, had to do with rape within the lifestyle. Both are highly educational for novices as well those of us with much more experience -- both of which I believe mouse went a tad off the rail. Not to suggest there was anything erroneous with her comments, however they were not, in my opinion, completely forthright.

Within the lifestyle there are those dominant types who hold a belief that their slave or submissive should kneel before anyone that asks and even those who do not. They should offer their bodies willingly without hesitation. It should come as little surprise mouse's former owner held a similar belief, but he in only what can be described as sociopath behavior, stripped mouse of the basic human instinct toward self-preservation.

Several incidences over the course of her time together with him and preceding his death, mouse was raped or nearly raped. Herein lies the problem, mouse believes only once was it "real," rape. I will attempt to illustrate by offering a few examples:

The, since retired, high corporate official who approached mouse in late hours demanding oral gratification from mouse because he heard "she was good at it.' Her then owner praised her for dropping to knees in the washroom to placate him and did little to quash the rumors that propagated about her, which led to more humiliation and abuse. Again, I have heard others inside the lifestyle reply in similar fashion, when like stories circulate as if to demonstrate how truly submissive their girl is.

When I heard of it, casually on the golf course, I was enraged. I was angry with all involved, myself included. I was part of that mess that was mouse's life. I took from her when I needed to, but I had her consent.

No. Not entirely accurate.

I had his consent to use her sexually. I aided in her harm. I assisted to create the very issue mouse still carries with her.

After his death, mouse attended a lifestyle event and was raped as part of a scene, while I was not present at the event I was informed about by several others who did witness it; everyone failed to act. This was followed by a man she met online, who convinced mouse to meet her in a motel room. He brought three friends. She never once told me she was raped. To her, she had consented to whatever they wished to do. When I pressed her, she did eventually explain what had occurred, which to me was rape.

There is a fundamental quality given off by deeply submissive women that which simply attracts these types; but, most do not share mouse's past nor do they understand how vulnerable she is. While these other submissives are largely equipt to self-protect, mouse cannot help herself. That part of mouse's mind shuts down and she reverts to rote behavior. She will allow it. This was a perverse experiment fostered by a sociopath that led to her own diminished capacity. This is often met in the lifestyle with distain for mouse. Somehow she is alone accountable for the abuse she suffered. That somehow she could control it.

Some women have fantasies about rape. Even mouse, but I will not touch those; instead I refuse to take her there, by reason of I have seen where it goes for her.

Today, mouse still has no way to interpret intent. When I become frustrated with mouse, she will often try to please me, as she has been conditioned to do. Mouse is not to blame for this and bears no culpability whatsoever. We cannot condemn the victim.

I do take full responsibility for mouse's mental health, I do take control in caring for her. Her happiness and sadness are all on me. I try to cautiously undo the harm perpetrated against her in the past. This has been met with successes and abject failures. I strive to protect and insulate her from all harm, even when I have caused her great harm, I have made the needed adjustments. I do all this because she worthy of every bit of effort it takes.

I know many feel I am heavy-handed with my control or over-protective of mouse, this is not without reason. To me it is required.

35 comments:

  1. Dear Omega,

    Isn't it amazing the number of people who feel completely justified in having an opinion about the lives of others? To my mind, it matters not one twit what anyone else might think or feel about whether you may or may not be heavy-handed or over-protective, or anything else about your relationship with mouse.

    Understanding who you are, mouse placed her trust in you and you accepted that gift. That is the beginning and end of the story.

    That mouse chooses to share parts of her life in blog format is amazing. Not many who have been wounded as she has been would be confident enough to accomplish all she does. I believe that speaks well of your union and I wish you all the best.

    Sincerely,
    Donna

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  2. you are a wonderful husband. there is no doubt about it.It clearly shows from this blog and this post. I, many times envy mouse. but I need to add that am very dissapointed that in the past, you used mouse ( even though you had her then owner's consent). the fact that you thought you could sleep with another man's woman is very disturbing. Am sorry to say this.

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    1. Within the lifestyle, it is not unheard of for a Dom to share his property with others. It might be best described as poly.

      Having said that, while he did allow me unfettered access to mouse, I never returned the favor.

      Omega

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  3. Dear Omega,

    This is not really a comment - i know you moderate them, and i really just want to tell you how sorry i am if i hurt mouse in my blog and maybe offended you.

    As a trauma survivor myself, and a therapist who's worked worked with trauma survivors for many years, i know how difficult the healing journey is. i'm sorry if my words have made mouse's path more difficult.

    aisha

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    Replies
    1. Aisha,

      I posted your comment because it is important for you and everyone to know that I hold no malice toward you or your writing. As a trauma survivor you must be also equally aware that one can rarely predict what will be trigger for another.

      Your topic was needed and wonderfully stated. You are an important member of this community.

      As you might have guessed, your words alone did not create this conflict. It is the time of the year, the new baby, the hormones; mouse is in a constant state of emotional flux. What I want, or rather the purpose is for mouse to stay with the past for a while. The journal is a rather distraction for her at times.

      Be and serve well,
      Omega

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    2. Also needed to add that your words were very important, her reply to them irked me a bit. In regard to the topic, mouse is in no way capable of managing her emotions.

      Post traumatic stress, abuse, conditioning by a mad man are difficult to cope with; yet not insurmountable with great care.

      O

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  4. Omega and mouse, I agree with Donna completely , and altho i am fascinated by looking into the lives of others, i would hope i am not arrogant enough to "pass judgement" on any ones style of living / loving

    i read mouse because your family / life fascinates me and she writes beautifully, but honestly who am i to say anything you do is right or wrong.. it works for you, then, so be it

    shame on anyone who criticizes your life or your choices

    sugar

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  5. Omega

    First off - -thank you for this post. It's important for those of us who have been fortunate to have been nurtured in our submission -- that there are others who have been deeply harmed by TTWD.

    Secondly - -thank you for letting us know why our Mouse will be absent for a bit -- we would worry -- as she is a beloved friend to many of us.

    Thirdly -- as you know -- I'm a big proponent of the 2/15 blog mission -- but what's right for mouse and for you is more important than our project -- if you both choose to step away from our make believe land of blogs (including that project) -- I support you both.

    I do not think you are overly controlling. I think that in this situation - where in the past - her so-called-protector was harming her in every way possible -- she most likely needs her protector to be larger than life.

    Good for you both

    sfp

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your understanding and yes I do understand that mouse's absence is always a cause of concern. When anyone who writes regularly suddenly vanishes is troubling to those who are rather vested in them.

      Regarding the project, mouse is very excited about it. I will admit she has not discussed it much with me aside from the topic and I have no issue with her writing about it.

      You are spot on, he was in a position to protect her, he could have nurtured her. Instead she fit a long list of criteria in which he saw in her to live out a twisted fantasy. It remains regrettable that I, in anyway, facilitated that.

      O

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  6. just when i think i understand this world...i read something like this and it makes my hair stand on end.

    and it is not for me to comment on *how* you live your life...but i will just say...kudos to you both for working to overcome that past damage...for learning the tightrope walk isn't easy...but it sounds like what you have, works.

    mouse is blessed to have a Master who loves, cares, and nurtures her back to wholeness.

    Many blessings to you both.

    nilla

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  7. It's a very difficult topic. With that said, it's important too, not just to you and mouse, but also to the community as a whole. Your post is full of wisdom, it's also tempered with reflective self-criticism.

    I find your essay especially compelling because it's a perfect example of how a good dominant thinks, feels, and acts. Your responsibility in thought and action towards mouse reminds me very much of my own relationship with my Serafina and my feelings towards her.

    Rape and sexual abuse are ugly topics, but you handle this discussion with both wisdom and intelligence, not to mention quality of character.

    You and mouse will be in our thoughts and prayers as you continue through this difficult time of year.

    kind regards,
    Michael & Serafina

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  8. I wander perhaps if mouses past conditioning is similar to that of Stockholm syndrome albeit in a different context? Part of being submissive is the desire to please and sometimes this need can be taken advantage of and worst case scenario abused.

    But like Stockholm syndrome the victims do not recognise it as being abuse it becomes to them the normal way.

    Having only very recentley started reading your blog its a testement to you both how far mouse has come.

    respectfully
    tori

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  9. From the Dominant side, I hate to hear what she has been through. To me, what you have described is nothing short of abuse. I don't understand men who use and treat women this way. I don't care how submissive the woman is or how much she wishes to obey and follow the requirements of her Master/Dom. To me, it's just wrong.

    Thank you for sharing and giving us some insight into the past of you both. It is always interesting to be able to see the path that has been taken to reach the point where you are currently. I have always had respect for your views and approach with Mouse. This lets me see even more so that my opinions of you are justified. It takes a strong man to admit his faults and where he may have gone wrong. Yet, at the same time, at least with Mouse, you have stepped up and tried to right the ship for her. I applaud you both.

    Thanks again for sharing this and the inside view of your history. Keep up the good work.

    DV

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  10. I disagree with Donna, or maybe want to clarify. In blog-land - yes - all we can really do is watch other people - see the glimpses they dare to offer and inevitably form an opinion or remain open minded based on that. Any words we offer can hurt or they can be encouraging. Even if people connect more deeply through chat or email - all they really have is words. That can be some help, or can do some damage, but words alone cannot effect real change in people's lives. In the end - it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks or not. In real life though - it does matter. There are times and situations in which people should see something as wrong and step in. It's not an easy line to see all the time, but there is certainly a line to be crossed.

    In the same way - other issues aren't black and white. As you say, self-care has to work differently for you and mouse. And it is very, very fortunate for her that you do that with her best interest at heart. On the other hand, it is easy for a person to be swept up in the newness of things, not understand really what is good for herself, and turn over more than she should. I think it takes time, and a lot of work to find the balance in the gray somewhere.

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  11. This is sad on so many levels. First, that someone as loving and caring as mouse had to suffer like that in the past and that she still carries the consequences of that with her. Second, that now in what should be a happy time (new baby, new house), she is going through such difficulties. And last (and certainly least), that we will not hear from her for a while.

    I only discovered mouse's blog a few months ago. I read it through, all at once, compulsively as I would read a novel. Mouse has the most remarkable voice. She can go from high to low, funny to serious. And she is the most generous writer I know. She gives so much of herself and responds so beautifully to others.

    I will miss hearing of her days, but I will hope she will return soon. Please tell her that there are many, many people who care deeply about her, even if we only know the part of her she writes about here.

    Hugs,
    Lily

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    Replies
    1. Rest assured Lily, I will gladly pass along your message.

      Omega

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  12. Dear Omega

    As a survivor of an abusive relationship(within which rape was the 'norm') I can only hope that as time goes on, Mouse may be haunted less and less by past traumas.

    I only hope that I, in the future, find someone who will take care of me as you do Mouse.

    I always look forward to reading her musings, they're of great interest to me in my attempts to understand my own submission.


    I look forward to Mouse's return, whenever that may be

    B x

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  13. Omega and mouse, This about made me cry. I know what it's like wanting to take responsibility for things not my fault. I've heard it is a misguided effort to feel safe. That to accept bad things can happen outside of our control is harder than "just" blaming ourself. Yes blogs can be a distraction at times and sounds like doing what is needed to refocus and be ok. Hugs, K

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  14. Omega,

    I have been visiting this blog for so long now and never comment. Your words were touching. Mouse is so open and loving that it's hard to imagine someone abusing her trust. I'm in awe of your relationship. I married very young and have been married for almost 12 years. I realized I was similar to Mouse when I gave in and started seeing a man who was 20 years older than me. Family pressure brought an end the relationship. Shortly after I married a good man, but not the man I would have chosen if I had full control over the situation.

    I don't see your behavior as controlling, but an outwardly way to show Mouse how deeply you care for her. This is something that is lacking in my relationship with my husband and it leaves a huge void. It's wonderful that you both are able to sense when something is amiss with the other and confront the situation at hand.

    I wish you both the best, and congratulations on your sweet baby girl.

    Tonya

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  15. Omega,

    It is comforting to know you are taking such good care of mouse as she goes through this difficult time. I will miss her while she is gone but know that you will guide her to take the time she needs to come out on the other side a stronger person. We will be thinking about you both in your absence.

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  16. Your love for her speaks volumes.

    I am an abuse survivor, it has taken me a long time to deal with it. I could not have made the progress I have without the love and support I have received from my husband.

    I wish you both the best and continued healing for mouse.

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  17. Wow, that a poignant post. The two of you are so striking to me, that your personalities and strengths come through in the blog, even when you write about your weaknesses. I'll admit I was a little nervous when it was announced that Omega would be posting on the blog. I love mouse! But anyway, I shouldn't have worried because these posts have been so amazing.

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  18. Hello Omega,

    I do not have anything to add to the conversation, but I just wanted to let you know how moved I was by your post. Your self-reflection and honesty is beautiful to see.

    Thank you so much for sharing and all the best in this difficult time.

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  19. Greetings (and warm loving hugs to little mouse)..
    Well written Omega!!

    As the Owner of a strong, successful, self confident, healthy and totally well adjusted male slave, I've not had any of the difficulties that many Owner's have with sub drop or other self esteem or other issues. Actually.. in our relationship.. it's the other way around. As my protector and Paladin, he is sworn to protect me. His standing directive is that he is REQUIRED to trump me in regards to my mental and emotional well being. I know he can see things clearer then I in those regards, especially as I deal with the aftermath of my recent breakdown, due to issues much like mouse's. As you look after mouse...so does Paladin look after me. It is I who is the most damaged of us. Myne was from multiple rapes and attacks during the four years I was in the Navy, from ages 17-21. While I was not a submissive, I WAS considered government property and controlled and manipulated by my superiors, who threatened to destroy my career if I ever told. Ever. The first one was a pilot from a foreign country, an ally at the time and had diplomatic immunity. It was he who beat me so I couldn't have children. And again, I was told to never ever tell... and I kept that secret until Dec 6 of last year. My mother never knew the real reason I didn't have kids.

    I relate all this, here.. in words I haven't quite before because Paladin was one of the few people I ever trusted enough to tell, when even my own family didn't know. Those sort of secrets, have led to my breakdown and shattering, and now, inability to work at all. The only one I can ever fully trust, is Paladin. And like you Omega have done for your mouse, he has undertaken to look after my mental and physical well being. Like you, he must keep a constant eye on me, and keeps up contact via txt's during the day.

    I truly, truly feel mouse's pain.. and yours as you strive to keep her safe and sane. There are things I do that are not good for my sanity. Things my Vet Center doc had told me I should not do (like read her disability recommendation letter alone) and yet.. I still do it,and suffer the consequences. But.. I realize.. I'm not as strong as I thought. And perhaps.. mouse is like me in that Omega.. perhaps.. in the moment she thinks she is stronger then she is. Perhaps, like me, she has times she feels she can handle things better then she can. I soooo understand that!

    Yes.. there are times when we are all responsible for our own well being.. most of the time in fact. But.. there are these other times.. when a 'trigger' can do exactly that in PTSD, and THAT, I believe, mouse suffers from, just like myself. We never know what these triggers may be though. They are like hidden land mines, and it's often not till we hear the click under our foot, that we realize, we are about to be blown sky high. We can only hope.. that strong and loving arms will catch and protect us when we come crashing down. To hold us and be strong for us when we cannot be for ourselves.

    I do say bless you Omega.. a thousand times on her behalf, for being her sanity and protector. For all of us who have been wounded... One like you.. who puts her at the forefront, is a true gem. You did make mistakes in the past. This D/s world is not clear cut and has a different 'culture' then the world outside of it. Polyamory is the norm for the most. We both know that. It seems from this portal view of your and mouse's world, that you have done your best to atone for your mistakes of the past and to create a wonderful, safe, sane and happy home for all of you.

    All my best wishes and warm healing energy to you and dear, dear mouse. I hope she gets well enough to return to us soon.
    Warmly,
    Mystress

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  20. Hugs to you both, take care of each other this time of year and always.
    Thoughts and prayers sent your way from a loyal often quiet reader:)

    G

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  21. I read mouse's response on Aysha's blog and I thought it sounded strong and thoughtful:

    "When mouse says that Omega is responsible for her mental and physical health, it means that he won’t cause damage like that other relationship. Not that he’s responsible for her feelings about this or that, but that he’s overall responsible how she feels (safe, nurtured, healthy, etc.). . . . . While all the real work in repairing the damage was done by mouse…Cannot begin to fathom doing any of that without him by mouse’s side."

    I am curious why Omega was "irked" by it, and insistent that "in regard to the topic, mouse is in no way capable of managing her emotions." I am also wondering what is achieved by writing about her inability to control her own emotions here, where she and her friends connect with one another. I do not mean any disrespect by this and I am certain that I do not fully appreciate the complexities of mouse's and Omega's relationship. I can certainly understand taking a break from blogging. I just don't understand why someone who loves mouse would be "irked" to hear that she, even if only occasionally, feels somewhat in control of herself.

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    1. As Mystress eloquently stated, in relation to herself and quite like mouse, often one does not recognize how brittle they truly are. While mouse did say the work was done by her, she was not being honest with herself or Aisha. She has yet to thoroughly grasp the magnitude the abuse, or recognize the danger she often placed herself in.

      I decided to share some of these experiences, lest someone else fall into a similar trap, also to illustrate how slippery the slope can be.

      Omega

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    2. I am wondering if you have considered the possibility that one reason mouse may be unwilling to be honest about the magnitude of her abuse is because she is protecting you. I do not mean that you are responsible for all of the abuse mouse suffered. But you have said in this post and others that you "aided" in her harm, that you "assisted" her abuse. I recall that elsewhere you confessed to mouse that you knew about some of the things that were happening to her, and that you felt terrible now that you had not stepped in.

      It may be that mouse doesn't want to acknowledge what has happened to her because that would (even if only tacitly) make your part in everything that much worse. I know you love her, and I know you want to do everything you can to help her. But I feel that she may need to talk to someone who is outside the situation (not on the internet, not just in private to you, not simply in meditation) before she can really admit the danger she has placed herself. The shorthand for this is "therapy," but that can look like whatever feels best for her. The thing about "therapy" (in all its many instantiations) is that it is a "safe" place to work through whatever it is that is troubling you. The other person is not involved; you don't have to worry about damaging that relationship; you don't have to worry about hurting someone you love deeply.

      Mouse sounds like a wonderful person who is very lucky to have someone who loves her so much but who has a really complicated history, and a history that involves, even if only indirectly, the one person she counts on for love and support. It just seems to me that would make it hard for mouse to articulate much less confront the damage that you say she has suffered.

      Delete
  22. Omega, Sir, your post struck quite a chord with me. Enough to inspire my own post as soon as I read it. I know that you monitor these comments, so I'm not tryng to promote my blog on this one, but I wrote a message to mouse, and I'm also hoping that I didn't overstep any bounds by what I posted, so I want to give you the link here:
    http://littlebutterfly3.blogspot.com/2012/02/inspired-by-mouse.html?zx=fbb5eb7424d5a558
    so that you can go read it. This was such a beautiful post you wrote. Please can you give mouse a hug from me?
    ~lb

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  23. thank you for your explanation and thoughtfulness.

    I can't write anymore because of the tears.

    I know now that mouse needs the firm strength and grip that you have on her and that you honor her and you by your words and behaviours. You both are lucky to have come through all the trauma and find depths to your relationship.

    ~mari

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  24. Omega, I am only now reading blog comments and don't often comment on mouse and Your blog, but I read and have south gratitude for you both that you choose to share a little of your life with us.

    You are a kind and loving Master and husband and that comes across in your actions and words.

    Please give mouse a hug from me and tell her we will miss her.

    I wish you both strength and love during this difficult time.

    Fondly. Sky

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  25. Mouse has always said you take care of her and that she loves that you do that for her. Thank you for explaining when you didn't have too, to us as to why you take such control. She is fortunate to have connected back up with you. Take care of her, please.

    hugs,
    heather1

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  26. Omega and mouse,

    I did not read a lot of the comments so i am risking being redundant. When I first came to this blog (when it was pink and frilly) i thought, "wow, she's a slave with so many rules. How can anyone live this way?" After over a year has gone by, my thoughts when i come to ready your guys blog are, "wow, this is the best relationship model". I appreciate your writing, your thoughts and your experiences as a couple and as people. It all really makes someone like me feel like they have chosen the right path and that even with hard times, it's all worth it to be as close and as loved as the two of you.
    Thank you.

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  27. Everything that needed to be said, was done very eloquenty by others.
    So I will just ad my best wishes to mouse in her time of stress. She is very lucky to have such a wonderful husband in her life, to care for her.
    Hugs to you both.
    butterfly

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  28. As I always expect, Omega's strong hand guiding Mouse.

    BTW as I go on vacation, Daddy too requires I lay the blog down as he wants me to just be me.

    May Mouse's healing continue. She will be missed.

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