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Thursday, February 9, 2012

Keeping a Journal

By Omega,

I feel I should put something here, since mouse cannot; I find myself at a loss.

My grandad was a larger than life man. We were very close, he commanded his house, yet treated my grandmother as a delicate flower. There was not much delicate about her. She was large, loud, wickedly humorous. It quite possible she was the most indelicate woman I have known. Not to grandad to him, she was a treasure.

One day, my grandad handed me a gift, it was leather bound book of empty pages. I can still recall the smell and how it felt, quite heavy and large in small hands. He said to me that all important men have important thoughts, which must be written down. You will have to imagine those words with a strong, thick German accent.

I do not know what matters of great import were put down in that first journal, well aside from scribbles, crude drawings of guns, tanks, and for some odd reasons cows. I was four at the time and fascinated with the dairy in town. It is entirely possible that somewhere within those childhood scribbles and drawings includes a cure for cancer, meaning of life or the secret to world peace. However it's meaning is long forgotten.

As I grew older, I continued to journal about my life, I imagine it will one day make writing my personal memoir a less daunting task. My mother saved them all, volumes and volumes of them. I hope she skipped the high school and very early college ones, if she ever did read them.

I took a few home one time, curious about what I had written, what secrets I shared to my later, older self. I wrote much about feeling ill, getting vitamin shots. Several a day. I should explain, I was diagnosed around 5 or 6 with type 1 diabetes. Of course my parents did not tell me about that until I had lost a kidney. Well, I knew where it was, or rather where it should be, it just hurt like hell. After the surgery, as I recovered I was finally told.

I wonder where that journal is?

I still journal, each day; well most days. It is strikingly similar as when I was a child. At 10, for example, it might have read. Woke up at 6. Showered and shit. It was firm. At 15, it may have went, Woke at 6 with an erection, shit was firm. At 18, it likely stated, woke with a hangover and a erection. There may or might not be mention of where I woke or whom I was with.

At thirty, maybe a couple slaves sharing the bed, an erection, more than likely firm shit. At 40, I would have woken possibly hungover, maybe with a woman or a prostitute, not much more to say about that, we will move on. At 45, I certainly would have woke alone, and my first thought would have been mouse. She was never far from my thoughts. Then everything else, erection, firm shit, noisy child.

Today, I wake most mornings to the sound of my daughter screaming, mouse practically falling out of bed. The dog snoring and of course the erection, which as I age I thank god for.

I suppose the dream of handing a stack of journals to a secretary and saying, "type up my memoir," is highly unlikely.

I have other journals as well, ones I would not wish for my mother nor my children to see. They are full of scenes, ideas for scenes, copious notes about bottoms, subs and slaves.

And much more about mouse.

18 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this piece of who you are with us.

    hugs to mouse ~ and, respectfully, to you.

    aisha

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    1. I did it mostly to make mouse smile. She joked that I would never hit the publish button.

      I am always up for a challenge.

      Delete
  2. Journaling...A wonderful source to use to write your memoirs for your child (children)to read when you are gone (perish the thought). Our mother was a very private person. My brother and I often exchange memories but eventually say, we wish she had told us more about her life, we know so little and have unanswered questions. So he and I both are writing our life experiences to give to our children in the future. They may read them, they may choose not to, but it will be there.

    Your granddad gave you a wonderful everlasting gift!

    Joyce

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    1. As I said there are volumes I would not wish for my mother to read, however I will admit that if my children, long after I was gone stumbled upon them and read, my hope is that it wouldn't change their opinion of me too greatly.

      O

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  3. Omega,
    Thank you for share so much about yourself. I've missed Mouse's post and missed her on twitter but understand she needs your control right now. Please give her a hug for me and tell her that I am thinking of her. Sending her good thoughts and happy wishes.

    heather1

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    1. Of course I will pass this along to mouse. At some point she will read the post I penned (Not this one; the other one) and all the heartfelt comments she received.

      Be well,
      O

      Delete
  4. a few odd similarities, I am big believer in journaling and have done it most of my life. My journals number in the hundreds and it is fun to go back and read them. I too had a strong Grandfather who figured greatly in raising me and I too am a diabetic.

    perhaps were twins... separated at birth.

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    1. It is a almost telling experience to go back and read. I had no clear idea how sickly I was most of the time. I believe I was actually worried about my health. I do not blame my parents for wishing to protect me. I will admit it alter my relationship with them afterward. In fact I might been the catalyst for who I became.

      Twins? I believe I am still a few years ahead of you, unless you caught up to me, whist I was not paying attention.

      Thank you my friend.
      O

      Delete
  5. Hmmm...funny how it all comes back to the morning erections. LOL! I have never been one to journal, but I have found my blog as a nice outlet for being able to put to paper (so to speak) some of my thoughts and views and get them out of my head. sometimes it's almost a release. The thoughts stay there and just keep churning until I write about them, and then it's like a relief once let out.

    It is nice that you can read your old journals and look back to see where you were. Maybe more so, to look back and see how far you have come. We all learn from the lives we have lived and what we have been through. That is what has made us the people we are today. Sometimes we have to look back at the journey to see just what we have and where we are now, and to be able t fully appreciate it.

    DV

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    1. It is amazing with most men, all is right within their world, so long as they wake with hardon.

      It is rather comforting, in those rambles, much about nothing at all, I can see where I developed a strong sense of what I wanted from life. Along with my many mistakes.

      I have pondered destroying them, or rather some. It was mouse who stopped me, when I came to live with her. It something I consider each time I move. Do I really want to pack all that shit up and take it to another place?

      Delete
    2. You could embark on transcription... then it'd just be a file to keep track of. But it'd take a while.

      Delete
  6. This was amazing and amusing on so many levels. I enjoy peeking into others lives (with permission of course). :) It makes me sad that I was never introduced to journaling at a young age. I wonder if it's worth it to start in my 30's...

    Thank you for sharing and please let mouse know she is in my thoughts.

    Tonya

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  7. Thank you for sharing this Omega!

    I struggle with journaling, there are times in my life where it was important, for 15 years trying to make a marriage work with a woman I could not trust I didn't even consider it.

    I've been working on getting myself back to the point where I'd journal again, last weekend I even went out and got myself a small notebook specifically for the task. I think your note here will provide further inspiration.

    Thanks again. You an mouse remain in our thoughts here as well.

    Michael

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  8. As much as I miss mouse and have her in my daily thoughts, it is wonderful to get a taste of why she loves you so much Omega.

    Thank you and mouse for your transparency.

    ~faithful

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  9. This made me chuckle as my son keeps a journal, he has just turned 15 and has recentley discovered girls, i took a peek which i know i shouldnt have and wont again, ignorance sometimes really is bliss!...but erections seemed to pop up a lot (no pun intended) in his too.

    Hope you are both well.

    respectfully

    tori

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  10. Hi

    I normally read your blog. However, I was a bit unsettled by your "diminished capacity" post. I have had experiences with a domineering person myself. Of course, my experiences had an impact on me, as Mouse's had on her however I don't see Mouse as a helpless creature at all. She has many strengths so I think as her Dom, Omega, it would be a good idea to focus on harnessing these strengths more and more.

    I think everyone has a certain amount of vulnerability, it's what makes us human; however I don't think this should stop us living our lives fully. I don't know anyone that is Superman/Superwoman, however I do feel each time we tackle an issue, we become stronger and resilient as a result of it.

    I think what helped me was realising that the domineering person's opinion was just that..opinion. I used to think it *was* fact, that I was worthless, not good enough etc. And sometimes opinions are wrong. Sometimes people are liars, out for their own ulterior motives, jealous of your happiness and trying to bring you down with them. It's sad however I have realised it was NOT my fault whatsoever.

    I realised that this domineering person was actually incredibly weak and cowardly, that his "strength" was to pick on others to make himself feel better. But that didn't make him any better-he could bully others however he always remained the same pathetic character. But what goes around comes around. His life is a mess and I'm not sorry, he got what he deserved. Karma tends to bite those people on the ass eventually.

    I hope I haven't been too plain-speaking however that post really struck a chord with me!

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  11. Just playing catch up on some reading and glad to find this post from you Omega!

    It mad me miss my dad a bit. Sometimes men of few words have the greatest impact.

    BTW as a nurse, I see you as the obsessed old man(in the nursing home) who did not have his routine morning bm and wants a laxative!

    Have a great day!

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    1. I did rather chuckle at your comment. I do tend to get rather cranky without my morning constitutional; however I shudder to consider the emotional distress I would suffer if I woke without an erection.

      One must have his priorities straight.

      Be well,
      O

      Delete

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