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Monday, April 16, 2012

I Was So Much Older Then...

Continued...

Therapy is something Omega wholeheartedly believes in.   He will say it saved his life.   So mouse was a good sport and went to the first therapist.   Everything was fine until mouse mentioned that she was a slave to her previous owner, Alpha.   Ya, that went over like a fart in church.

Therapist number two was nice, understood the power exchange but felt sadism was a mental defect and as it turned out was deeply religious.

Therapist number three was nicer than the first two and was a great listener.  Seemed to ask the right questions of mouse and reduced mouse to tears more than a few times.  The therapist encouraged mouse to explore her feelings about the abuse and made her feel safe to do it.

The anger toward Alpha was finally coming out...the open hostility toward all he'd done to mouse, all he'd taken from her.  The changes he'd done without much regard to her future all were lifted in those therapy sessions.  Now, mouse did omit somethings...but did discuss Beta Master.  Did her best to explain that they were friends and for lack of a better word, shared mouse.  Alpha was the main owner and Beta could use mouse when Alpha was or wasn't around.  While mouse did point out that Beta was more attentive to mouse's needs and comfort than Alpha was...the therapist was understanding.  Until the therapist realized that Beta was indeed Omega and that we had reconnected and resumed a friendship.

Meanwhile Omega continued to spend time with mouse our relationship was changing and growing.  He would be a little more open about affections, letting mouse know that he was serious about her and wanted serious consideration from her.   He never once kissed her on the lips during this time, or was more forward than politeness would allow (aside from the time we ended up in bed -- which he felt was an unfortunate error, neither of us were ready for).   And it was frustrating to mouse...clearly this man was not from this century... and yet he was.

Occasionally, mouse might bring up what was discussed in therapy and Omega would listen with the objectivity of a judge.  We would though, talk and discuss various events in our mutual past.  For once we were both acknowledging that our past was indeed intertwined.  To be certain mouse was seeing him very different than before.  He began to talk more freely about his own demons and the troubles he's had.  Why he sought help and it turned out that it had little to do with mouse leaving and EVERYTHING to do with him figuring out how out of control his life was spinning.  He admitted he was waltzing with a dangerous pattern that could ruin him.

We talked about a lot things during those times, endless debates about politics and religion.  Music and life...

Sometimes he seemed so relaxed it startled her, while other times he was intense and eyes crackled with fire.

They say, the very things that annoy you about another person are very things you should examine in yourself.

In therapy mouse safely explored those feelings and discovered that she was every bit as moody as he was and what was worse our moods seemed to align in an odd way.  They fed each other but they also calmed each other.  We found solace in each other.

Was this healthy mouse wondered?

The therapist didn't think so and objected completely to us at every turn.  It became difficult to even discuss Omega with the therapist and mouse sadly began to lie.   Leaving parts of him out of the discussion, instead focusing on parts of her past instead of the whole thing.  Hiding is never good, and mouse felt it necessary to hide those parts from everyone.

The thing was, deep down she felt different about him and realized somewhere along the way that she mostly always had.  The patient way Omega had dealt with mouse over the course of past three years had shown her so much about him.

We were moving closer to each other and the therapist was wary.

To be continued...

Song selection: My Back Pages; Bob Dylan

29 comments:

  1. Again thank you for sharing.
    Hugs,
    Heather1

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  2. Dear mouse,

    Where is the continued from, please... If it is okay with you, I would love to read more.

    K

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    1. Thank you Kitty. The easiest way is to look for the tag "before the blog" all these particular posts are labeled that.


      Hugs,
      mouse

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    2. Also added a link in our FAQ page (it's in red)

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    3. Thank you mouse... this is what happens when you take a week away - you forget that you started this lovely story and you miss a bunch of stuff.

      I have to work now, but will get caught up soon. :)

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    4. Wow. Okay, when I said I would get caught up soon, I did not expect to spend most of the night reading your blog. I didn't read it all or in any kind of order, but I did read a lot. Ha, if you are anything like me, I probably read things you even forgot about posting.

      I did read enough to know that one of the reasons I like you is the constant positive outlook you maintain when describing things that would make others mute. Your story may or may not be different than a thousand other stories (it is definitely different than mine), but it is so personal and the fact that it is there (here!) probably helps a lot of people. I am glad I found you and am allowed to see a snippet of your life.

      And now I have a question about this post - if this therapist stopped working for you (things you still needed to talk about, etc.), were you able to find someone else you could talk with? (Maybe that is coming... but inquiring minds.)

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  3. I imagine it must have been very tiresome and frustrating to find a therapist that was the right 'fit' for you? and i suppose sometimes even though they are the 'experts' that doesnt mean they are always right.

    But if it helps and it works then im all for it, if we need help at some point and accepting that and being prepared to seek it out is always a step forward.

    best wishes
    tori x

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    1. It's not a one-size-fits-all or most thing...You have to find a therapist that you kinda connect with.

      Omega was terribly lucky, he found a therapist he got along with right away.

      Honestly, mouse's therapist was fine...until O and mouse became a couple....The therapist was very judgmental about it. We moved in together way too fast....Our pasts were too intermingled. After a while, we couldn't talk about the past all mouse did was sit there trying to justify her relationship with him.

      There is a post somewhere back in the beginning where mouse talked about quitting therapy.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  4. While it is always a challenge to find a therapist one can "click" with, for those of us hardwired for SM, or for those who have had life experiences well outside of what many consider to be the normal range, it is even more difficult and is often a long and tiring trek. At least it was for me.

    Hugs,
    Donna

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    1. Dear Donna,

      It was very much for mouse as well. Although, the third therapist did help mouse to realize that even in the confines of a power exchange, the relationship with Alpha was very one-sided and more about his long held fantasy of what he viewed perfect slavery to be. It allowed mouse to understand that it not only felt wrong, but was wrong.

      Tho, mouse did continue to babble back and forth with those thoughts. Therapy was a safe place to sort out those thoughts.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  5. Hello mouse! I love your blog. so open and candid it makes my heart melt. I am loving this series.I have a couple of questions. I hope its okay to ask. I understand if you choose not to answer.

    When omega was beta master did you guys have feeling for one another? What was your relationship with him back then? was beta master so oblivious to your abuse?

    Thank you if you do choose to answer any or all of them!

    Mouse, from what I know of you from this blog, I respect and admire you so much. You are inspirational.I can not even imagine the things that you would have gone through and yet here you are as a strong woman.( I know, rightly so, you would credit omega for this but I think you do not give yourself enough credit :) <3 )

    I learn so much from your blog, mouse.

    Thank you

    -PVR

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    1. Of course questionsa are welcomed....Beta then had his own slave and primarily used mouse for extra sex. Gosh, reading that it does sound bad...lol. We did share feelings, mouse specifically was always quite taken with him...yanno? There were many times we'd do things together, like go camping, or to social work things. Alpha was actually married (long story, his wife lived in another state), so it was a bit more acceptable for Beta to seen as the "date" tho in retrospect we fooled no one.

      Beta was very aware of specific instances of abuse, where he believed lines were trampled -- Alpha did also have a bad drinking problem that complicated things. But also believed that mouse understood more than she did. In looking back at one time in particular, had Beta been 'single' or unattached, things might have been different. Honestly, around the time mouse probably needed Beta the most, he'd become mired in his own personal issues and was distant from both Alpha and mouse. The things Beta did know about and understood, he personally felt they were part of a BDSM M/s relationship/dynamic...he also said many times (publicly and privately) that he was blind back then and saw what he wanted and ignored what he didn't want to see. They were really the best of friends and Beta was devastated by Alpha's death.

      It is something that has caused Omega much distress to learn the extent of the abuse mouse was subjected to daily, but it's something we've both had to learn to do...forgive each other for not being ready for the way our life is now. Thanks for reading and the thoughtful questions.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  6. Hello mouse,
    Now I realise I am somewhat the "devil" when it comes to subjects such as therapy because I am a therapist. I am a firm believer that a person most likely will need to interview many therapists before they find the right one. With that said, I do not agree with the sentiment that a psychologist must agree to a clients behaviours. In fact, they often do not which is why the client is there in the first place.

    I have engaged with numerous clients. Some see me only once as I do not fit what they need whereas other stay until the counselling sessions are no longer needed. In the beginning the clients most often feel awkward because I actually say very little. How I see it, people are smart. They almost always have the answer inside of themselves, they simply do not know how to open that door or they are afraid to/run from it or deny it.

    I recall one client, a very kind gentleman who said, at the end of his sessions that he could not believe he actually paid me to stay silent but it was just that, my silence that allowed him to come to his own conclusion. There have been times when I have told a client that his/her actions were not healthy and the client was very angry. I also stressed that everyone has to live his/her own life and deal with the consequences but that was my observation. Most times clients do not like to be told their actions are not healthy and even if they continue down that path and are happy it still does not mean it is the best choice.

    I come from the point of view of we all make mistakes and take risks and do things we want to do. The real challenge is if you can live with your actions in a healthy, positive manner? Therapists are not always right. In fact I do not think we are there to be right. We are a light to help people see down dark hallways so that they can find their own way back.

    ~a

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    1. Dear ~a,

      Thank you so much for commenting. You've touched on a lot...and mouse completely agrees that psychologist doesn't need to agree to the client/patient's behaviors or predilections -- Omega's therapy is a wonderful case-in-point to that. The third therapist was actually very helpful to mouse (apologies for not making that more clear), but the problems began after Omega and mouse were living together -- it was very fast. We had gone from (therapist POV) being friends to living together in a very sexual bdsm relationship literally overnight. Of course it was more than that too.

      Now, mouse doesn't mean to imply that the therapist was wrong or didn't have any cause for raising red flags....the therapist was totally right in doing so. At the same time, the point was made. It became too difficult for mouse to feel safe to discuss certain things she probably needed to discuss and work through.

      This reply doesn't begin to adequately explain it all....perhaps once things calm, mouse will dedicate a whole post on the topic...

      Hugs,
      mouse

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    2. mouse,
      oh heavens, I certainly hope you did not feel as though I were attacking your therapy sessions, that was not my intent at all. When it comes to therapy you absolutely should feel safe to share whatever you want without judgement. Therapists are not there to ridicule and impose and the minute you feel you can not speak openly that is the time to consider changing therapists.

      Therapy, counselling is incredibly individual and both parties must connect in a positive manner. And some therapists are just jerks. Plain and simple. With that said I have worked with clients who had no intention of "getting better" and only wanted reassurance this his/her behaviours are beyond brilliant.

      It is never easy to go to therapy and when a person has enough courage to go they should receive a safe environment to share.

      ~a

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    3. Dear ~a,

      Honestly, mouse was concerned she offended you by not giving enough detail, as she's prone to do. There are a few people who reads this blog who are therapists, and mouse would never want to offend them or yourself. Therapy can be so important, and your right, you need to feel safe.

      Never really thought of entering therapy as it being brave, but guess it is. At that time, mouse just needed help to cope with all the emotions that were coming to the surface.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  7. I had a really bad experience with a therapist...when I tried to see someone back in December, as soon as I mentioned anything about our poly relationship, she acted offended and stunned and it shut me down completely. I think I spent the rest of the time crying, and she was no help whatsoever. You'd think, somewhere along the way in all that psychological training, they'd pick up how to be objective and non-judgemental. >.<

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    1. Tamar,

      O's therapist is great. He knows all about our dynamic and isn't judgmental at all, unless he feels that O is crossing a line. Which is the nature of an addict of any type.

      Now, mouse's experience with the first two was really trial and error. The problem was once the therapist put two and two together....figured out that Omega was the same person and mouse was raising red flags...the therapist just carried them. There was value in what was shared. But it did become painful to feel guarded in the place that was supposed to make her feel safe.

      Sincerely mouse hopes that you continue to look for a therapist who can meet your needs and help with your difficulties.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  8. I think anyone who goes to therapy is brave. It's one thing to sort through messes in your own head, but to talk about them out loud...I don't think I could do it.

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    1. Sweet pea,

      It's surprising what you can do, when you truly need to.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  9. Wow, I can not imagine talking to a therapist about anything other than what I've been for in ED recovery... especially anything "H" and I do on the privacy of our home.
    I think it's amazing and very brave. I do wish I could let things out like that, to get comfortable telling someone else things...but I just can't yet.

    I enjoy these backstories!

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    1. Well, the abuse wasn't something that Omega didn't feel he could help with. As it turned out, mouse is truly blessed to have him in her life, because he's been the most helpful to her.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  10. I think the wariness in that situation is completely understandable. It's good that you did your own thing and are happy now, but I can definitely see a red flag going up for a therapist.

    Also loving the whole story.

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    1. Oh of course! Some of mouse's own friends were just as wary, even especially after getting to know him -- he's very private by nature and often comes across as being rather stern or stoic until you get to know him.

      The important part to remember is that we are very much together and happy with our lives. Maybe even slightly more so than our vanilla peers. Of course, mouse has no real proof of this, it's only based on observations made by mouse.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  11. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. Mouse, you are truly a force. I'm humbled by your honesty.

    I realize after reading this that I've often taken less time choosing a therapist than a kitchen appliance. Seriously...and I've been in therapy off and on since I was 20(now 44).

    sincerely,
    -NWMonkeyGirl

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    1. Nw monkey girl,

      Now mouse giggled when she read your remark! It reminded her of what a real estate friend once told her that people routinely made a decision to purchase a house after only spending 29 minutes in the home! The biggest purchase most will ever make. Most people spend hours researching appliances and cars much longer!

      Funny no?

      Hugs,
      mouse

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