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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I'm Younger Than That Now

Continued...

One day, quite out of the blue as we seated and snuggling on the sofa in moue's family room watching Casablanca on TV.   Omega said that he had a wish for a companion in his life.  Someone who he could talk easily with, who would let him lead, who be more than just his slave.  He wanted it for life and all those things that went along with it.  And that was it, he let lie there.  

It was as though he were murmuring out loud to nobody in particular.  It left mouse wondering if he thought she were sleeping or something.  Still mouse remained silent and somewhat frozen.  The next time we saw each other was different.  We had gone out to dinner and were talking about the future and what we wanted and mouse realized that his little talk the previous time was simply a prelude to the discussion.  He wanted to know now once and for all if mouse was open to a Master/slave relationship.

To this day mouse often wonders if she had no,  how he would have responded.

Instead she explained that it would have to be healthy...what she had with Alpha while some might argue wasn't really M/s, everyone pretty much would agree wasn't at all healthy.  There were things about that dynamic that she did kinda like and often missed.  There were times she felt cheated out of it.  Had Alpha been different...  What mouse knew in her heart was that she couldn't handle someone who was cold with her.   When she required his deference and received instead his indifference, would make her insane.   For the first time mouse was able to say what she needed.  And she wasn't simply addressing her M/s need but total needs.

This was the only time so far, she did look at him with more than a little fear in her eyes.   Omega has the personality to be very cold and indifferent.  To be honest, most sadists are to one degree or another.  It's the one thing that mouse wouldn't handle well in the long term.  Explaining was easier than she expected; she wanted love and needed to feel that love all around her, all the time.   If she didn't feel it, she wouldn't last a week.

Carefully he reached his hand across the table and took hers into it, he pulled it toward him and kissed it gently.

We began to discuss in a serious way what our lives would look like if we were together.   Our lives would be merged; he would move in, brining along his life with him.  His issues, his problems, his family...Could we blend?  Of course, he wanted mouse to be his slave, but he did explain that mouse was already much more to him than any slave was before.   Our relationship would be very different than anything he'd ever had.   It kinda threw him as the reality began to soak in.  

Omega is not the type of man to blurt his love for a woman.  Although as we all know actions speak louder than words, by that alone we could imply that he was head-over-heels for mouse (and she for him), but still he's not the type to actually say those words.  Unless he's absolutely 1000% certain they are mutual.   He couldn't read mouse for shit.  It's true, mouse was completely and utterly smitten with him.  BUT...Also shared his fear of being hurt...shared the same thoughts at the same times...

Yes, we seemed close but in mouse's mind...were we?  Really?  We are talking about all this different stuff...but is really serious?  What if he just wants a fuck buddy he doesn't have to drive to see?  Bigger fears had crept in...What if mouse actually sucked at slavery?  What if she couldn't be the woman he needed her to be?  

Maybe had we professed our hearts and love to each other, it might have made this part a little easier...and Omega instantly read or misread the vibe mouse was now putting out...He took her unsettled nature as being nervous about him...when really she was questioning her worthiness for him.   His life was far more together than mouse's was.  We let, just as the many discussions before, just lay there.  

He didn't say anything more until later that evening over coffee, he said that he would like very much for mouse to start to an online journal.

Heh?

"They're often called blogs." He explained, it could be a way for mouse to write out her thoughts and he could read them but without the impediment of knowing he was reading.  We'd already been exchanging emails and mouse, he learned, was rather less than forthcoming in her letters to him.  He felt that if it were more of an anonymous thing, mouse would be more comfortable in sharing her thoughts.  He promised that he would rarely comment or do anything to make mouse feel self-conscious about her writings.  Her thoughts, he explained, were her own but he wanted and needed to understand them too.  All he wanted to know for now was if she was willing to try that.

He added the chances were fair that no one would ever read it.  There are thousands of them out there but he cautioned...you write for yourself first and always.

The next day a slave's tale went live.  That evolved into mouse's journey which eventually found its new voice as the Power Exchange.

Now as though he wasn't already inside her head enough, he really read her thoughts.

And now,  you know more of the story before the blog.


Song selection: My Back Pages; Bob Dylan

35 comments:

  1. And a beautiful story it is and I look forward to reading about your continured life together.
    Hugs,
    Heather1

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story!

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  3. Thanks for sharing your story. It's beautiful and moving. Wanting to know more background, I spent the afternoon yesterday reading. Went back to your very first and read through to the present. Most interesting to note how your relationship has evolved, changing when necessary and growing stronger to meet both your needs.

    Your version of M/s seems so more authentic and workable in everyday life than what I've read on a few other blogs. May be that you and Omega let your love shine through, whereas some seem like artifical constructs built to meet needs abd desires with little thought to mutual love and respect.

    Yes...I know...one size does not fit all and a blog picture may not show all aspects of a relationship.

    Again thanks for sharing your life with us vanilla lurkers.

    Joyce

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  4. as always. . charming, revealing and vulnerable. . all good characteristics for a mouse!

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  5. "...He added the chances were fair that no one would ever read it..."
    Well, that part wasn't quite accurate. ;-)
    Your blog was the first one I found when I went looking for more information about TTWD.
    Thank you so much for sharing.

    Michelle

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    1. Michelle,

      He actually said that more than once! Lol. Really never once believed that mouse would one day have so many wonderful people reading her words...

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  6. Thanks for telling us this part of your story. I always like to hear the back story but never ask as it is such a personal thing.
    I often have to remind myself that not everyone is willing to share as much as I am, so I err on the side of caution.

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    1. Oh totally understand, and you're right, you don't want to pry. However, mouse has noticed a few bloggers doing this...and if mouse was the inspiration, well that's wonderful!

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  7. Thanks so much for sharing! I've been following the blog for a while now and I love it, and love hearing the history as well! I don't comment all that often, but I am definitely reading. You guys are so sweet and I wish you the best.

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    1. Thank you so much Amber you're too sweet! Thanks for reading!

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  8. Thank you for sharing! I've spent the past 2 days reading your blog from its beginning and I have been captivated by your journey. I relate to some of the struggles you described and have several takeaways that I am using for Deep Thinking.

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    1. Wow! It always amazes mouse to no end when people say that!! Thank you so much, such a huge compliment!

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  9. I think questioning one's worthiness is part of the human condition...at least for me it is.
    After a long hiatus from blogging you've inspired me to change the direction of mine. Thank you for that.
    With Hubby traveling a lot for work now I realised this would be a perfect way to keep us connected(even though we text furiously most days...lol) He completely agreed.
    Thank you again.

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    1. That is an incredible compliment! And mouse did visit your blog recently and will be certain to return.

      Really didn't feel comfortable tho using the blogger profile. Sir suggested that mouse comment anonymously and just sign it mouse.

      Hope that's ok.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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    2. Completely understand. I'm cautious by nature and would do the same. Even though I have regular readers, I think my absence has been a blessing..ie I've probably lost quite a few of them. Plus I'm a tad concerned about freaking them out, but I guess that's to be expected with this change. Reading your blog when I did was another blessing for me.
      Thank you,
      monkey girl

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  10. There are so many questions i would like to ask about this post (but i will keep them to a minimum..i promise lol) but what really stuck out to me the most on a personal level was your comment
    "Omega has the personality to be very cold and indifferent. To be honest, most sadists are to one degree or another"

    I asked the boss man once if he ever felt compassion when he hurt me a lot in ways i struggled with and his reply horrified me, he very coldly stated that he didnt not at all, he enjoyed it more. But he isnt like that all the time, but yet he gives off that aura which i guess can be intimidating...i still find it hard to deal with at times.

    I mean i dont want to make him out to be always this cold hearted sadist because he isnt but i find it such a contradiction that they can be this way but yet also be loving, caring and supportive...its like it shouldnt make sense.

    Does that make any sense? lol

    anyway really enjoyed this post and i for one am glad you started blogging.

    best wishes
    tori x

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    1. Oh tori you can bet it makes sense!! That was the worry (amongst other issues) that really bothered mouse. Omega is very reserved, but can't handle him being distant...yanno?

      Hugs and thanks for reading!
      mouse

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  11. I have loved reading all of this. Thank you!

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  12. Wonderful story - you told it well. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Conina. Well, thank you for reading it!

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  13. Well written mouse... well written. *warm smiles* A truly lovely mouse tail.

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    1. Mystress -- your comment made mouse giggle...mouse tail...hehe

      Warm hugs,
      mouse

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  14. you have a very moving story.

    Thank you for sharing it with us.

    sfp

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    1. Sfp thank you sooo very much!!

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  15. Thank you so much for this!

    I've read your blog almost from the beginning, when I first started reading it there were only a few entries. There has been things I've wondered about since then, and now most of them are answered. I very much liked to read these posts about your beginning. Thank you, again!

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  16. I didnt ask what i was wanting to ask..sorry lol

    When you was discussing taking things further and having a more committed relationship, was the Master/slave dynamic the most important element and the rest incoporated around that? or was the dynamic fitted/worked into an established mutual ground relationship?

    I suppose what im trying to ask and failing to get at is...when/how did the element of you submitting and Omega taking control take place..was it gradually eased in or was it a more formal planned approach?

    thanks
    tori x

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    1. Interesting query tori. I wished for the M/s to be in the forefront, with all other parts of our lives wrapped around it. Mouse did a fair bit of telling half truths early on and was fearful to share her issues about the abuse.

      Lies (told by either party) can render a dynamic impotent.

      We did get there but not in the way I had originally considered.

      Serve well,
      Omega

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    2. Thankyou Omega

      I was curious because i wandered if the past history you both shared made it easier or more difficult to establish the M/s dynamic.

      best wishes
      tori

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  17. Thank you for sharing.

    Hug,
    Joey

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  18. The path always ventures off where we don't expect, but, it leads us there. This was beautiful to read, thank you.

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