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Friday, April 20, 2012

Pushing the barriers, planting seeds

The timing of writing the story of how we reconnected was more or less very convenient.   We knew we'd be moving,  Passover was coming, it seemed a good time to back away from the daily writing and move into the past.  If only for a short time, and honestly, mouse didn't want to go silent.  

In a private email to a friend, mouse remarked how pain was relied on heavily in our Master/slave dynamic.   As the work began on our relationship, we started with a blank slate (kinda -- Omega is always HOH).  After months, of really nothing M/s related, nearly everything stopped.   Of course there were other reasons for this.   The baby and mouse's fears driven by PTSD were ramped up.   Omega's therapist said that was common, others mentioned it as well, still those words meant little to mouse.

Little by little mouse has posted about our rumblings and changes, this is the first stab and writing about how we are evolving our lives.   How we are proceeding into our dynamic without pain.   At first mouse was uncertain that it really couldn't be done.   Our time apart while he was away at the end of last month, gave way to some heavy admissions from both of us.

Neither were feeling, it turned out very fulfilled.   We knew changes needed to be made but, we remained uncertain how to proceed. When Omega returned, he met with his therapist, then spoke to an old friend, a bottom he used to scene with.   The idea made mouse's insecurities rise to the surface.    Horrible!   He explained mouse had nothing to worry about and was kinda perplexed why she was so upset.  Old fears never die...but it proved helpful to him.

Then, he explained that we were entering a new phase and admitted he wasn't certain how many phases we'd continue down, we would just take them one-at-a-time.

While alone Omega only refers to mouse as slave and mouse is to keep herself open to him, for his pleasure and mouse's too.   In many ways it's kinda nice, and seems to help mouse be more centered and her mind remained quiet.   While mouse might speak to him, she first must ask permission to do so.   While he was at work, things were different, mouse's mind would wander as she went about her tasks and tended the baby.

That evening,  Omega observed mouse perform her evening rituals.   He pulled her into the bed and explained it was her time to speak freely.  When she said nothing, he asked her questions.   How was she feeling, was she ok so far with the changes in our dynamic.  What did she enjoy or hate.  Each question was carefully considered and answered by mouse.  He's been taking more control over certain aspects of our life, and it's made mouse feel very comfortable for the most part.  But she was also struggling with some other issues..

He told her to give a number between 1 - 10 to describe her anxiety.   That more or less surprised her.  One would mean none and ten being panic attack.  Laying beside him she considered the day.  It mostly hovered, she guessed around 6.

And now? He wanted to know, what was it now...

Honestly, a 2 maybe 3...yes 3...the questions were making her nervous, causing worry to rise.

Then her anxiety shot to 8 when he asked if she thought about Alpha that day.


He looked at her, trying to hide his shock. How often does he still cross her mind and what was she doing?

Really, it seems mouse thinks about him daily, and she can't help it all the time.  That day, while shopping she'd heard someone sounded just like him.   Another time, actually recently Alpha's brother phoned the house looking for Omega and mouse answered the phone and nearly fell over hearing the voice on the other end!

What happened? He wanted to know...

Now mouse's nose was stinging...tears were beginning to well in her eyes...

The  supermarket incident that happened more recently mouse explained that she simply froze up...couldn't move...for several minutes...

The phone call to the house had happened earlier that week...honestly, don't recall saying much of anything just handed the phone to O and tried to shake the memory out of her head...

His brother sounded sooooooo much like Alpha, it was like a voice she hadn't heard for 10 years suddenly coming back to life.  Omega admitted that had to be distressing for mouse, it hadn't occurred to him.   He said that he would ask him to call his cell from now on (it's not like he phones very often),

Omega had never asked all these questions before....EVER!

He touched her cheek...and kissed her softly...her mouth was dry...and yes frightened -- it was frightening to her and then hearing that laugh in the store...It felt like he was all around her.  It's silly she knows.

He got up and returned with a glass of water and told mouse to drink it.

Then he explained there would be no more secrets like this from him ever.

Then he explained he would from now on be asking these questions of her regularly and especially, about her anxiety level.  Then he paused, snuggling mouse close and asked how long she remained frozen for and what she did to gain composure.

It's hard to explain the thought process, first reminding herself he's dead....then repeating that again and again, until....

Well, until she believes it or remembers it.  It's hard to explain.

Then he asked if this has happened before...

Gosh more times than mouse can begin to recall.  So, next he wanted examples, when her mind went blank, he led her.

Were there times in the basement?

Yes -- when you marked her, but they were fleeting...kinda. In the box like thing...the gyno table...when you blindfolded mouse and played music really loud...

Anything else??

Maybe once in a while she'd get a whiff of something that vaguely triggered a memory, but couldn't offer examples...

Anything other times recently?

Honestly mouse shrugged nervously...

How's your anxiety now?

8, Master

He gave mouse a quick kiss and said he'd be right back, he told mouse to do her conscious breathing until he returned -- he wasn't upset when he slipped from the bed.

Slowly mouse tried to control her breathing.

When he returned, he pulled mouse close to him....he said he's neglected mouse by never asking the right questions...feeling her body stiffen beside him, he pulled her close...telling her to match his own breathing...

No more could mouse hide from him...

Somehow that was like a load off her...for so long she's been hiding the times of panic from him and gotta say it's exhausting.   Slowly mouse felt the panic leave her...


Really, she doesn't recall one...sleep claimed her..

The subsequent times were much easier on mouse to openly discuss anything with him and it was rather shocking the things she shared.   Things that had happened in her past, apart from him, while he was aware of, he didn't know the details.   Big blanks were filled in and with each time, mouse lost a little fear.   He didn't get upset, he didn't react in a negative way.   He didn't offer much of any opinion.    He simply listened and made, mouse supposes, mental notes.    Sometimes in his study he'd revisit something she'd said the night before.   To actually talk out the feelings and it helped immensely.   He didn't fall over or act damaged by some of the revelations.

It left mouse feeling rather silly for not doing this a couple of years ago.   For not trusting him with her past -- all of it.   Of course, she'd trusted him with all the parts that affected him (or she believed had an effect on our dynamic) but now she was trusting him with all other bits and pieces.   And none of it changed the way he viewed mouse.

Song selection: Mind Games; John Lennon


  1. Change is always scary... You and Omega are strong and will weather the changes and continue to grow together as they conme.

    Have you and Omega ever considered hypnosis might help lessen the traumatic memories of Alpha and the past?


    1. Dear Joyce,

      While we haven't exactly tried hypnosis per se, he has mouse try to meditate deep enough, which many view as a form of self hypnosis. However, when mouse becomes that relaxed, she will sometimes just fall asleep.


  2. The more of your story that I read, the more affection I feel for you both. You are both remarkable admirable people, my respect for you and the journey you are on together grows daily as well!

    1. Oh wow Sir what a nice thing to say! Thank you so much!


  3. Thanks for sharing this post. It is funny how sometimes the lives of other bloggers can mirror our own. I just finished writing about a similar hard time we are having in our dynamic and wish I would have this read this first. Perhaps I see now I should have handled myself a bit differently and now I can look at my punishment a little differently.

    The numbers for anxiety sound like a great system. It's nice that you are so connected you can find ways to grow together in a calm soothing manner. I wish the best and look forward to hearing more.

    Thanks for your help.

    1. Dear Dancing,

      So happy mouse's writing about this helped you. It's always hard to know if sharing something personal is too personal.


  4. Mouse,
    You've been incredibly generous with what you share here. I say generous because it allows us to see the real, hard work of marriage and of ttwd. It's so much deeper than the surface, than most would make it seem. And i think it can only happen at it's own pace - i think some things can't be faced until the time is right for both people - it can be dangerous to force it and no point in wishing it had happened sooner. I hope it gets easier for you both soon.

    1. Dear greengirl,

      You are so right. Often mouse becomes horribly frustrated with herself for not starting something or thinking to do something long ago, yanno? Sometimes Omega has to remind mouse that we move forward at our own pace. Often it requires something to shake it loose. But once it does -- everything does kinda start falling into place at least somewhat. Slowly things you couldn't understand start becoming clear or more in focus.


  5. Hi Mouse, I can really relate to this. You mentioned that Alpha was an alcoholic before. I've dealt with an alcoholic in the past. The anxiety is understandable as an alcoholic is a very unpredictable person, a Jekkyl and Hyde character if you like.

    I read a lot of psychology books on alcoholics and the effect it has on those around them and gone to Al-Anon (12 step program for people affected by alcoholics) and that really helped me understand that none of it was my fault. Before, I was erroneously thinking "oh maybe it's my fault, maybe I shouldn't have done this or that" etc whereas now my thinking patterns are more realistic and objective.

    I wasn't a slave to the alcoholic so I can't relate to that side of things. However, the alcoholic was very controlling so I can relate to some of your experience for sure.

    It's great that Omega's being supportive of you with this and it's great that you're so willing to deal with these issues. So many other people would just try to bury their head in the sand and pretend it wasn't there so I do respect the way you tackle these things head on.

    1. Anonymous,

      It's so true mouse is sooo lucky to have Omega in her life!


  6. Mouse, you are very brave. :) Wonderful.

    i don't know how you abide without the pain. i could not. Can not.

    1. Anonymous,

      Honestly it helps having a really clever Omega! ;-)

      Actually, once mouse got over the hurt or feelings of loss, it's really been life altering...or maybe affirming? Whatever the right words, it's been very good.


  7. Mouse, I understand. My abuser has been dead for 11 years, yet if I'm out somewhere and see someone who looks like him it will startle me. I don't know if that will ever stop. I just keep working everyday to get better. That's really all either one of us can do :)

    1. Dear faerie,

      Omega said that our brain often puts together images that cause us subconsciously stress. When we don't see something completely, as in a quick glance because of anxiety the brain just conjurs up the image.

      Dunno if that's true or not, but it makes sense to mouse. Hopefully lessoning the anxiety will calm least that's what mouse hopes!

      Abuse is horrible and mouse sorry for anyone that has gone through it. While its not very comforting when it happens, at least our abusers are not ever going to bother us again. At least physically. In time mouse hopes that he won't mentally either.

      Wishing the same for you,

  8. we use a 1-10 scale for my pain(cause I also suffer from chronic pain which throws my pain balance off), but have never used it for my panic attacks.
    perhaps that could help too. i'll mention it to H. this weekend.

    thank you for your insight,
    monkey girl

    1. Dear MG,

      Glad mouse could help and best of luck.


  9. When i first read about you mentioning not having pain as part of your dynamic my intial reaction was "no way could i be without it" but it did make me do some reflecting and thinking (yes i know i overthink) and i came to the conclusion that if that was my intial reaction what does that say about my dynamic, my relationship? so its made me think and view things differently.

    I know you hear it often and i have said it myself before, but your words, your thoughts which you share do have an impact, and as was said on a comment above i think your a remarkable couple, and its a privilage to be able to have a 'view' into your thankyou.

    oooh look i didnt ask questions lol

    best wishes
    tori x

    1. Dear tori,

      Oh how you made mouse smile -- you ask great questions! Might write on Monday about one of the new ways Omega torments mouse without pain!


  10. As others have said, Thank you for share so much of yourselves with us. Reading about how much work goes into your relationship, inspires me to work harder on my relationship with R.


  11. I have to admit
    I've spent the day thinking about anxiety
    and where my number is.

    which was not the point of this poignant post

    gave me some insight into what my state of mind is

    and I took some action that took me from an 8 to a 6

    and I cut myself some slack when I had a meltdown with M
    because I was thinking of it
    with a bit of distance

    so thank you for a timely post

    sfp - aka - the slightly less stressed


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