In a private email to a friend, mouse remarked how pain was relied on heavily in our Master/slave dynamic. As the work began on our relationship, we started with a blank slate (kinda -- Omega is always HOH). After months, of really nothing M/s related, nearly everything stopped. Of course there were other reasons for this. The baby and mouse's fears driven by PTSD were ramped up. Omega's therapist said that was common, others mentioned it as well, still those words meant little to mouse.
Little by little mouse has posted about our rumblings and changes, this is the first stab and writing about how we are evolving our lives. How we are proceeding into our dynamic without pain. At first mouse was uncertain that it really couldn't be done. Our time apart while he was away at the end of last month, gave way to some heavy admissions from both of us.
Neither were feeling, it turned out very fulfilled. We knew changes needed to be made but, we remained uncertain how to proceed. When Omega returned, he met with his therapist, then spoke to an old friend, a bottom he used to scene with. The idea made mouse's insecurities rise to the surface. Horrible! He explained mouse had nothing to worry about and was kinda perplexed why she was so upset. Old fears never die...but it proved helpful to him.
Then, he explained that we were entering a new phase and admitted he wasn't certain how many phases we'd continue down, we would just take them one-at-a-time.
While alone Omega only refers to mouse as slave and mouse is to keep herself open to him, for his pleasure and mouse's too. In many ways it's kinda nice, and seems to help mouse be more centered and her mind remained quiet. While mouse might speak to him, she first must ask permission to do so. While he was at work, things were different, mouse's mind would wander as she went about her tasks and tended the baby.
That evening, Omega observed mouse perform her evening rituals. He pulled her into the bed and explained it was her time to speak freely. When she said nothing, he asked her questions. How was she feeling, was she ok so far with the changes in our dynamic. What did she enjoy or hate. Each question was carefully considered and answered by mouse. He's been taking more control over certain aspects of our life, and it's made mouse feel very comfortable for the most part. But she was also struggling with some other issues..
He told her to give a number between 1 - 10 to describe her anxiety. That more or less surprised her. One would mean none and ten being panic attack. Laying beside him she considered the day. It mostly hovered, she guessed around 6.
And now? He wanted to know, what was it now...
Honestly, a 2 maybe 3...yes 3...the questions were making her nervous, causing worry to rise.
Then her anxiety shot to 8 when he asked if she thought about Alpha that day.
He looked at her, trying to hide his shock. How often does he still cross her mind and what was she doing?
Really, it seems mouse thinks about him daily, and she can't help it all the time. That day, while shopping she'd heard someone laugh....it sounded just like him. Another time, actually recently Alpha's brother phoned the house looking for Omega and mouse answered the phone and nearly fell over hearing the voice on the other end!
What happened? He wanted to know...
Now mouse's nose was stinging...tears were beginning to well in her eyes...
The supermarket incident that happened more recently mouse explained that she simply froze up...couldn't move...for several minutes...
The phone call to the house had happened earlier that week...honestly, don't recall saying much of anything just handed the phone to O and tried to shake the memory out of her head...
His brother sounded sooooooo much like Alpha, it was like a voice she hadn't heard for 10 years suddenly coming back to life. Omega admitted that had to be distressing for mouse, it hadn't occurred to him. He said that he would ask him to call his cell from now on (it's not like he phones very often),
Omega had never asked all these questions before....EVER!
He touched her cheek...and kissed her softly...her mouth was dry...and yes frightened -- it was frightening to her and then hearing that laugh in the store...It felt like he was all around her. It's silly she knows.
He got up and returned with a glass of water and told mouse to drink it.
Then he explained there would be no more secrets like this from him ever.
Then he explained he would from now on be asking these questions of her regularly and especially, about her anxiety level. Then he paused, snuggling mouse close and asked how long she remained frozen for and what she did to gain composure.
It's hard to explain the thought process, first reminding herself he's dead....then repeating that again and again, until....
Well, until she believes it or remembers it. It's hard to explain.
Then he asked if this has happened before...
Gosh more times than mouse can begin to recall. So, next he wanted examples, when her mind went blank, he led her.
Were there times in the basement?
Yes -- when you marked her, but they were fleeting...kinda. In the box like thing...the gyno table...when you blindfolded mouse and played music really loud...
Maybe once in a while she'd get a whiff of something that vaguely triggered a memory, but couldn't offer examples...
Anything other times recently?
Honestly mouse shrugged nervously...
How's your anxiety now?
He gave mouse a quick kiss and said he'd be right back, he told mouse to do her conscious breathing until he returned -- he wasn't upset when he slipped from the bed.
Slowly mouse tried to control her breathing.
When he returned, he pulled mouse close to him....he said he's neglected mouse by never asking the right questions...feeling her body stiffen beside him, he pulled her close...telling her to match his own breathing...
No more could mouse hide from him...
Somehow that was like a load off her...for so long she's been hiding the times of panic from him and gotta say it's exhausting. Slowly mouse felt the panic leave her...
Really, she doesn't recall one...sleep claimed her..
The subsequent times were much easier on mouse to openly discuss anything with him and it was rather shocking the things she shared. Things that had happened in her past, apart from him, while he was aware of, he didn't know the details. Big blanks were filled in and with each time, mouse lost a little fear. He didn't get upset, he didn't react in a negative way. He didn't offer much of any opinion. He simply listened and made, mouse supposes, mental notes. Sometimes in his study he'd revisit something she'd said the night before. To actually talk out the feelings and it helped immensely. He didn't fall over or act damaged by some of the revelations.
It left mouse feeling rather silly for not doing this a couple of years ago. For not trusting him with her past -- all of it. Of course, she'd trusted him with all the parts that affected him (or she believed had an effect on our dynamic) but now she was trusting him with all other bits and pieces. And none of it changed the way he viewed mouse.
Song selection: Mind Games; John Lennon