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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Who Defines Submission?

Disclaimer: The following is mouse's view on the M/s (D/s) dynamic. It's worded strictly toward her own dynamic with Daddy. Meaning he is the Dominant and mouse is the submissive or slave. If your dynamic is a Domme/Mistress with a male or female sub...the meat of this post applies to you as well and just substitute the words.  It should also be mentioned this topic is something mouse has read now on several blogs and while she doesn't comment much these days she does read and wanted to add her own voice on this topic to the chorus.  

Ever so often someone tries to label slavery or submission in a rather simplistically ridged way. If you require "pushing" or like a strong Dominant, somehow you're not being genuine in your submission or playing a game. It seems to mouse that these people forget something fundamental -- and seem to think its the submissive who defines their submission.

What an odd idea! Now, it should be noted for the record, mouse used to believe this. That somehow her slavery to Daddy should fit into a nice little box, wrapped up with a big ribbon of real silk. After being with Daddy for these past years and realizing many things, the most important lesson for her get through that thick skull, is that he defines her slavery!

Of course mouse offered her submission (slavery) to Daddy -- but he set the parameters and determined what that slavery would look like. And this applies both inwardly and outwardly -- since he determines how she dresses and the way she speaks or carries herself in public and privately.

Naturally, mouse can make suggestions or ask for help if she needs it -- actively seek his guidance. But Daddy sets the terms. He determines if the request is valid or worthy. He sets the overall tone of our whole dynamic. Period. That's the point of not being in control -- mouse doesn't get to drive the bus. Sometimes he let's her hold the map but he decides the destination.

This is just how it is -- mouse wants to be what he wants. When we go out to a restaurant, if he wants salmon and pasta -- that's what mouse wants to be. If he wants a burger and fries, which is rare; mouse wants to be the food on his plate. The 12 year old scotch, he likes to sip or the martini -- mouse wants to be that. When mouse gets a salad, it's complicated (Daddy has no trouble ordering for her) -- no onions, dressing on the side...with steak, mouse is very picky about the cut if meat and how it's cooked (little warmer than rare, but not quite at medium rare -- eggs must be well blended and fluffy -- not overlooked or runny). That's not what he would order for himself -- mouse desires to be what he would order. Not force him to eat a filet mignon, when he wants halibut. or chicken when he wants a burger.

Now this does require that he knows and understands what he wants -- that he be active in his dominance, just as she's genuine in her submission. He won't immediately ask for the moon the moment the collar clicks around her neck. But he'll start to construct the ladder so she can slowly ascend to the stars. Does this mean he knows everything? No. Does this mean he knows everything he wants? No. It's not a closed door. As his needs change -- he changes it. If he notices his girl has issues he slows the pace -- but he keeps his eye on the prize.

Together they become more than just a Master and slave, grow into each other. They learn from mistakes and missteps. There are false starts and renewals. If the Dom wants his girl on her knees and nude all the time -- well, that's what he wants and she would know about that long before she offered her submission!

If she discovers later that he's full of shit and a huge liar (unfortunate but it happens), she has the absolute right to take her power back and beg release, or just leave him (depending how dire the situation is). The point is know what you're getting into, understand his character and make sure his needs align with your own. Otherwise he expects her honesty. He needs to know her thoughts and she must be honest about them. If she's confused, upset, or angry with him (all happen, sometimes at the same time), it must be expressed to him. The Dom can't read minds and can't fix something he doesn't know is broken.  They must both be genuine and communicate effectively.  

10 comments:

  1. "the most important lesson for her get through that thick skull, is that he defines her slavery!"

    Oh so very true, and well said. That is a lesson that I did not truly begin to grasp until this last year, but it's huge isn't it?

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  2. It is huge and this is why we can't compare....

    This is exactly why mouse's submission looks different from well...maybe yours.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  3. It's like a lot of things I think: so elegantly simple to see, should be so simple to live, and yet works out to be as complex as we can possibly make it sometimes. It does help to go back to though, not in a cop out way, but when I make things needlessly over thought, "it is what he wants"

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    1. gg,

      It doesn't mean that we can't feel confused or angry...by what our Dom's do or say. We all over-think things from time to time too. But the conflict must come back to the fact that we are defined by them. Sure we can have needs or desires but they also set the pace. Sometimes we're pushed in a way we hadn't anticipated -- weird but true.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  4. This subject has certainly caused some discussion in blogland and in our home, i have been 'brought to heel' (for want of a better phrase) by the bossman for my comments on a post about this subject (honestly sometimes it feels like im in George Orwells '1984' but rather than Big Brother watching its the Bossman!)....not that he reads every comment i make on posts just those that on occassion cause me to rant.

    The bossman dictates my submission, he has moulded it to be of benefit to him, and its not been easy over the years and still isnt to a certain extent because his ideas of how my submission should be dont always gel with how i thought/think it should be.

    What i struggle to accept (get my head around) is that it really doesnt matter how i think it should be because my submission is not mine to say how, when or where it is demonstrated, there is no negotiation. I still have conflicts about this (decision he may make etc) and when i do dependent on the situation he will push or he will be patient but either way...his control will be exerted and i will submit to xyz.

    But of course this is how it is for us, these are my views or more apt perhaps its his views.

    x












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    1. Hi tori,

      Honestly mouse feels since she does think she tracked down more or less where this began, the missing element was compatibility. The person did make the case but went off the rails by an assumption that if the relationship doesn't work the sub is to blame for not really wanting submission. And with that mouse does call bullshit. We call require pushing -- it can't always be smooth sailing and easy perfection. It's work as all relationships are. But you first must be comparable and desire similar things.

      If not, the whole dynamic unravels. It doesn't matter a bit which side of the power exchange it falls on.

      If the sub is only comfortable with bedroom stuff and the Dom insists on outside -- or vice versa...that comes down to over all compatibility. If a slave is very high protocol, it's likely she won't be happy with a relationship that doesn't have those elements. Just as the Dom who might desire a high protocol relationship will feel everything must be a battle.

      Neither means the sub isn't sub enough or into playing games -- they just aren't well matched for a long-term relationship.

      Those conflicts that you and mouse feel at times are perfectly normal...and generally aren't the end of the world because over all we are both highly compatible with our Dominants.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  5. "He won't immediately ask for the moon the moment the collar clicks around her neck. But he'll start to construct the ladder so she can slowly ascend to the stars."

    What a fantastic description of any relationship where both are in it for the mutual benefit of the other. Wonderful post, as usual.

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  6. Good post - we try to give them what they want. It's what they want that defines us. But mixed, as you point out, with what we want, what we have to give. Hopefully those things work together.

    -sin

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    1. Wonderful point sin,

      And ya it's about balancing too on both sides.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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