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Thursday, February 7, 2013

Evolution of our Dynamic

Daddy moved into mouse's life in 2009, since then mouse has somewhat balked at being called a slave. This was for very personal reasons, the first being because of her complicated past, the term scared her -- but she couldn't understand that. So, let's back up to how her slavery was then defined.

Alpha explained ** He never really explained, he demonstrated it to her ** that it meant she was owned. He could use her, or have others use her. If anyone was brazen enough to ask -- service would be carried out -- period. Daddy was part of it -- back then and would use mouse sexually and not that she minded. When others insisted or heard 'rumors' well, mouse didn't like that. There was no right to refuse. There was no "no" in her vocabulary (save for once which was nothing more than a mind fuck).

Back to 2009, Daddy wanted to know if mouse would be 'open' to a M/s relationship -- really mouse was open to being with him. Was she ready for M/s? Nope -- but she wanted him in her life. Did she lie to him about her readiness? Yes. But she was also warped and damaged by her past and hadn't dealt with that so being honest about it was quite impossible.  In other words, she thought she wanted M/s and knew she wanted him.  

Once Daddy realized the extent of her damage (as well as his own issues) he slowly took slavery out of the equation. In fact he wrote a post on it here. He still remains uncomfortable with the term, but understands too -- there isn't a better one. He still strongly feels by using any term -- giving it a gentler meaning you diminish the history behind the phrase.

This was highlighted when mouse lovingly referred to Daddy as a travel nazi. He pointed out to mouse, while he understood she meant no harm by the term -- usage of the term nazi in such manner lessened what the 'real' nazi's did. It trivialized what they did and made it seem not so bad. He worried what future generations would take from that -- as the generation ages who lived, faught and suvived the atrocities eventually dies. He still worries what the term slave does -- but admits the term doesn't carry the same burden -- but perhaps that is only because the term did make its way into lexicon. When someone says they are a slave to their job -- you understand what they mean. Maybe that's why he rails against the term nazi so fiercely?

Daddy believes words carry great weight. While mouse's slavery to him is completely consensual and within that context we must strive to make sure it's well framed. He also understands all too well, his own thirst for sadistic pleasures and knows he can become too easily lost in his own Dom-space where he goes further than he should and wrote about that here.

So, together we grew into something a little different but remained true our natures. Maybe part of him grew tired of mouse not dealing with her past properly and just looking for the easy path -- for whatever reason, he realized that mouse really needed to heal. To heal, he knew he must open the old wounds without any shirking or fear on his part -- to show mouse that she could tell him anything and feel safe doing it.

The Master defines slavery, based on his confidence and skill set alone.

It took mouse forever to embrace and understand those words. In order for mouse to become Daddy's version of perfect or his perfection, he came to realize that mouse's rule book would need to be thrown out --- her past would need to be dealt with. He would have to tear down all of mouse's barriers and excuses. He began very slowly -- with just allowing mouse to talk -- without judgement or repercussions. He allowed her to say whatever she felt and sometimes days later, he'd revist a topic, for more detailed discussion. In doing so, he learned how messed up mouse was and he clearly saw how to repair the damage.

We cannot blame all this on "alpha" and the abuse she suffered under his version of M/s -- this stemmed back further than that. There was, after all, a reason she was drawn to his brand of control. There were also times she got herself into trouble after his death. Little things (or not so little) mouse dismissed,, but became bricks in her walls -- without understanding why.

While many might be shocked to hear this -- what Daddy did was take the nuggets of slavery she appreciated under alpha and built upon those adding Daddy's own views. This was healthy for mouse because it wasn't achieved through ritual abuse.  By removing all labels -- mouse was able to accept her place. He once said that he felt responsible for mouse's mental health -- and he took that seriously. He decides which blogs mouse is allowed to read and takes nothing for granted. If he feels it's something that might trigger mouse, he will ask that she not read it, or will read it with her and then discuss it with mouse (this is becoming far less frequent as she has become stronger). We do discuss comments she leaves on other blogs sometimes.

Going back to those underlined words...Daddy knew what he wanted and guided mouse toward that end. He steered mouse into the direction he wanted -- in the way he believes is best for us both. Like a wild bird in a gilded cage, mouse has grown dependent on him in many...well most ways. For us, it works nicely. It gives mouse the structure, security and safety she's lacked most of her life -- all under his firm hand. Consent is no longer an issue -- it is chiefly assumed.

As mouse's understanding deepened, the term slave returned. Now she has a much deeper understanding of how it applies to probably only us. It doesn't eliminate her struggles but has lessened them greatly.

This post was edited.  

11 comments:

  1. mouse - thank you for writing again... while I have a lot of things to say, or think.. I just wanted to say I do enjoy reading. Thanks for sharing.

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  2. Im assuming, please correct me if im wrong, that your time with Alpha because you knew no different was in your mind how it should be?

    So now with Omega and all thats past it is now that you have a more clearer understanding and are content, because its healthier?

    My struggles (gosh i always seem to have struggles!) are that i dont know any different than what i have with the bossman, and im happy and for me its the norm, but i question a lot, i trust him but im not sure i trust myself to know what is the norm and what isnt.

    Not sure if that makes any sense.

    When you spoke in this post of the dependencey you have on Omega, i thought that was beautiful but i also find it a very scary prospect personally because well its scary!

    x

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    1. It was 1989 when mouse was introduced to Alpha and the lifestyle. He died in 2002. So the difference in those years technology wise alone was enormous. There wasn't any internet that just anyone could access, even the idea of E-mail was limited to interoffice stuff that people rarely used. It was tedious. And ya, mouse was young. Naive. Ya. So ya, there was so much that mouse just didn't know and had no way of knowing.

      There were books on the subject but they weren't readily available and mouse wouldn't be allowed to read anything anyway. There was no way alpha would have approved of mouse reading something that would have been contrary to what he believed and his beliefs were extreme.

      Omega is different, where alpha used to physical abuse to enforce or instill his subjugation, O doesn't do that. Daddy doesn't have to beat mouse to get his point across. In fact, he rarely even punishes her...at least harshly. And there is also a huge window to this world, you don't really need to crack a book these days -- bloggers like you, Lil, Aisha, SFP, Jz, Emi and lots of others mouse is probably forgetting about....give insight to this world for free.

      And yes, mouse struggles too sometimes -- we all get a case of the "but...i don't wanna" from time to time.


      Maybe mouse should do a little editing...LOL

      Hugs,
      mouse




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  3. It's so important to learn from the past. My mil and oldest bil were captured and held in camps by the nazi's. My husband grew up hearing stories of that war and their time in the camps and has passed those down to our kids. When they talk about this in class and other kids are ignorant as to what happened my daughter shares those stories with her classmates and friends keeping the knowledge alive and not forgotten.

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    1. That's wonderful! We need to make sure that while dates might be forgotten, we cannot forget what went on. Why we fought and what we fought for.

      Hugs,
      m

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  4. Daddy and i have been together a year (although D/s for less) and i really love reading your reflections mouse (and Omega). As you say, it it precisely thanks to blogs like yours that new-to-the-scene peeps can explore all the different dynamics that make up our beautifully diverse community.

    ava x

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  5. mouse,

    Thanks for writing and explaining how your relationship has evolved. It is wonderful to know other's stories, share our own and grow as a community. You and your Daddy have worked through much and grown together in such a beneficial/positive way.

    ~fiona

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  6. As usual mouse your writing is good to read and very informative. A window on to a different world from the one I live in! My good wishes to you both and your family for many years of increasing love and vitality.

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  7. Oh, mouse. You hit the nail on the head.

    "The Master defines slavery, based on his confidence and skill set alone."

    That's the thing I have so often tried to explain to people and failed, because I was missing the concise nature of this phrase. :) Thank you.

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