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Friday, March 1, 2013

Don't Be Afraid

It's true Daddy has brought about many wonderful changes in mouse; but there are still things he'd like to change. For example, mouse enjoys pickle juice, well not like drinking it from a jar or anything, but licking it off the pickle. It's like she simply cannot help herself. While fixing Daddy lunch, mouse reached for the jar and pulled out a rather large pickle, glancing around (see mouse does understand this is wrong) sucked the excess juice off it and arranged it on Daddy's plate.

Yes, he saw. No, he wasn't pleased.

"Did I see you, just now, suck my pickle?!"

It took time, but mouse learned to only do that when he's not looking reach for a paper towel or napkin and dry off the pickle that way. But he seems to enjoy the quirky mouse...

It's hard sometimes for mouse to demonstrate the level of grace and demure Daddy expects. And sometimes mouse wonders why he's with her at all, especially when she lists all her faults. It's quite the list. The hardest thing is to control the mouthy-sarcastic-bitchy mouse. which always bubbles out at the stupidest moments. If someone were dressing mouse down -- hours later she would think of 100 thinks she could have said -- other than...sorry or ok.

Yet there are moments when mouse just thinks and fires off the most perfect (to her) words. And they're never nice words. Sometimes even as the words are leaving her mouth, unstoppable -- it's as though her brain switched off and they cannot be easily stopped. If we're alone and the words are directed at him, he'll sometimes need extreme measures to get mouse's attention. A face slap usually does the trick, its short and to the point. Public settings are trickier, on a few occasions Daddy's found it necessary to reign in mouse's mouth. Once there was a discussion (early on in our marriage) surrounding reproductive rights, a subject mouse is rather passionate about, in a public setting. The words came. Daddy moved his hand from the small of her back to her upper arm and when that signal was ignore by mouse...he applied pressure.

He led mouse away and sent mouse into the ladies room to insert her plug (she wondered why he insisted on her carrying it inside her purse). Immediately the waves of submission passed over her and she forgot to be angry. After thanking him when she returned, her entire mood was altered. Since then, Daddy's implemented a strict rule that any cocktail type party we attend mouse must be plugged.

It is a physical reminder that she's not her own person and that everything she is really does belong to him.

Still it's a struggle for mouse, the words like "whatever" or "ok, fine" come too frequently from her lips and often, it seems, they are directed toward him -- mostly as under-breath mutterings. He wants mouse to exhibit the refinement he has -- publicly and privately he doesn't want mouse's angry words either, he wants her to be for HIM.

We do have some pretty potentially volatile discussions. Sometimes, he doesn't understand how mouse can get wrapped up in a tizzy and emotionally overwrought. He keeps his emotions tightly under wraps. He would much rather sit down and discuss something rationally, than ever have an emotional outburst. Once he looked at mouse and told her he was furious with her -- but she had no clue. Boldly mouse demanded that he stomp a foot or something to let her know. "Get angry!" mouse hissed at him.

It's true mouse wears her emotions more or less on her sleeve and it seems to mystify Daddy.

This isn't to suggest that he's perfect or never errors at all. Daddy's not perfect and like everyone does make mistakes. He admits those mistakes and will ask for forgiveness -- usually with the same logic and rational way of his. The asking for forgiveness is really the important part. It's acknowledging the error thoroughly. It's so much more than just saying, "sorry."

When he looks at mouse and says with some earnest, "Forgive me mouse?" He's not only saying that he's sorry but asking mouse to understand he didn't mean any harm. Generally, he won't apoligize to pacify her. If its not genuine Daddy wouldn't bother.



10 comments:

  1. lmao. i just want to know how or if you managed to keep a straight face after "Did I see you, just now, suck my pickle?" coz there is no way i would of not been able to resist a witty sexual innuenedo reply to that!...im chuckling even as im typing.

    hmm being as i can be very sarcastic and have a habit of speaking without thinking and im prone to dramatic outbursts (just a few of my faults lol) it is i find sometimes infuriating when he doesnt 'rise' to it, i want at times to get a reaction...shout, slap me, just something but at these times he will walk away and it leaves me feeling diminished and when he does decide to address me its in the manner of "are you ready to discuss and behave like an adult"

    and eww mouse..pickle juice eww

    x





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    1. Tori,

      It's hard sometimes for mouse to just be still and rational....like him. Lol...And yes, he does his fair share of walking away too. Especially if mouse is really, supremely angry with him.

      Honestly, mouse can't recall if she said anything in response to the great pickle incident...mostly just a tad embarrassed that she was caught.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  2. "We do have some pretty potentially volatile discussions. Sometimes, he doesn't understand how mouse can get wrapped up in a tizzy and emotionally overwrought. He keeps his emotions tightly under wraps. He would much rather sit down and discuss something rationally, than ever have an emotional outburst. Once he looked at mouse and told her he was furious with her -- but she had no clue. Boldly mouse demanded that he stomp a foot or something to let her know. "Get angry!" mouse hissed at him."

    I laughed when I read that. Not because it's funny, but because I completely understand it. I feel like that could have been written by me about Vincent and myself. He's so calm and collected when I'm a whirlwind of emotions spilling out in every which direction. I just want the emotion to bounce back at me, but it's like his calmness just swallows my outbursts until I'm spent and all the anger or frustration, worry or stress, etc. is all gone.

    hugs

    Alex

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    1. Alex,

      Ooooooooh yes....that's happened more than once. Rarely he'll let out his emotions and is horrified at that...yet, mouse is sometimes relieved to actually see them.

      Glad to know someone else understands!

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  3. mouse,
    That, that right there ---> "While fixing Daddy lunch, mouse reached for the jar and pulled out a rather large pickle, glancing around (see mouse does understand this is wrong) sucked the excess juice off it and arranged it on Daddy's plate" actually made me giggle out loud. My laughter broke the silence in the room and I was tickled pink so much so I had to read it again and once more I chuckled.

    We all have our quirks, mine does not happen to be sucking on a pickle designed for someone else but nevertheless I am full of them. As I read your words I could actually picture you, sneakily looking around much like a child as she tries to lift the cookie jar without making a noise.

    I have spent many hours reading your journal, going back all the way to the beginning and although I do not always understand the exchange you share with your Love I believe at the heart of it there is respect, admiration, commitment and passion. I also believe that no matter how detailed you are, how much information you disclose I can not possibly see the full exchange; the day to day ins and outs which is why I try very hard not to be on the defensive when I read something that prickles me.

    For instance, even reading this entry, when you wrote of how Omega grabbed your arm, squeezing tightly as you were voicing your opinion, my first thought was "How dare he quiet her, how dare he silence her voice". As quickly as that thought popped in my head though another one formed, one reminding me that every relationship is unique and who am I to question what two people have.

    One of the challenges of having an on-line journal is that so many read your words adding their own biases to your exchange and humans tend to fill in blanks with their own fears and experiences. It is obvious, to at me at least, that you are in love with Omega and you trust him to make the right decisions for you and your family. You might not always agree with them, in fact you might even really dislike said choices but you agreed to it and together you work through the hurdles.

    The little I have read of Omega he comes across as a rather traditional gentleman, a figure who would have most likely thrived between the years of 1939 to say 1955. He appreciates poise and self discipline and believes manners are a societal expectation not a luxury. He values femininity but does not belittle the fairer sex, rather embracing the wonderful differences between our two genders. He follows an "old fashion" mentality and wants to know his lady accompanies him, rests her arm in his and will maintain proper etiquette, especially in social settings. He perhaps is a little too extreme for me but that is of no consequence and so I remind myself of that when I read your words, describing his behaviour/actions with you.

    I am more than aware of how people often view the relationship I share with my Master and I sometimes wish people could pause, like I have learned to do so, before making judgements. There are moments you share that have left me shaking my head but by the end of me reading all you have written I am back to smiling.

    I realise this comment most likely feels random considering the post you wrote. I simply felt compelled to share my thoughts because of the prickly sensation I experienced upon reading your words of him silencing you.

    I appreciate the relationship you have and that you are willing to share it. I continue to learn through others and that includes you.

    Much warmth,
    ~cockdoll

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    1. Haven't forgotten your comment....and you are spit on about Omega. He does look around rather bemused over what's happened with social graces. And you're also right he's even said that he felt he was born in the wrong time. Although many might agree good manners never goes out of style...dunno.

      Thank you so much for all your lovely comments! We really do appreciate them!

      Big hugs,
      mouse

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  4. I have a tendency to let it fly if the topic is something I feel passionate about especially if I think the other person is being an idiot. Sometimes Mr. D will let me go, but if he thinks I'm getting carried away he'll reign me in- usually the look and if that doesn't work he'll lean down and whisper in my ear usually to tell me to calm down and remind me that it's not worth getting worked up over and ruining my good time. He's right, but occasionally it will bother me as if he's shushing me.

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    1. Oh yes! It really depends on where we are. If its a social thing for work...or related in anyway to work..sometimes he'll even give mouse a pep talk in the car on the way over...

      Sometimes it bothers mouse too...if it feels like he's shushing mouse at party with friends...work things yes..but friends? But he views all gatherings as special events...so..

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  5. You know mouse you're really so gifted and so fortunate. Your posts are windows into a very appealing and interesting mind. I am always so delighted when I see you have written again!

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    1. Wow Sir! Really you made mouse blush when she first read your comment a few days ago now...and again now when she reread it.

      Thank you and hugs,
      mouse

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