Maybe this will be a mixed bag post? So many things running though mouse's mind -- not sure if this will have any structure at all.
- Daddy's been busy lately. Workload picking up slowly and he has to travel for work related stuff. Tomorrow!
- His leaving makes mouse feeling conflicted. It feels like mouse is floating on the ocean all alone on a small boat. The routine provides comfort -- while still making her feel stupid it bothers her so much.
- Wish mouse could hide in the safety of her little bubble -- where all is right with the world.
- Made the huge mistake of turning on the news yesterday. All that did was intensify all her fears and make that bubble all the more inviting.
- The baby is totally self-weaning and again mouse is conflicted about that. What? We stuck in a "big girl" bed and now she doesn't need to nurse? Seriously thinking bringing BG back to the doctor -- maybe the fall shook something loose?
- Spent all last night with Daddy's penis (such a silly word, penis -- don't you think?) in mouse's mouth -- well, for the last couple nights. Haven't felt the urge to do that in a while.
- Daddy spanked mouse last night hard with his hand, then the leather strap.
- After he held mouse while she cried. We ended up having great sex.
- It does occur ro mouse that sometimes she does get very angry with him -- especially when he hits her ass until she cries. It's not the spanking it's the relief that comes from feeling powerless.
- Admitting masochism -- makes mouse feel uneasy.
- Did 5 things for Daddy yesterday. But did nothing special for him two days before that. Strangely mouse can only remember three of the things. Cooked his favorite breakfast. Woke him up by giving him a blow job. Warmed his towel...
- Have a very nice Daddy leaving home meal planned for tonight.
- Really wish he didn't have to work today.
- Just remembered another thing: brought him lunch. What was number 5?
- Hate, hate hate feeling needy.
- Hate that he's entering the busy time...
- Isn't that where mouse began?
17 comments:
I love the flow of your thoughts, it gives a sense of intimacy almost like a conversation in person.
ava x
I really struggle with feeling needy...I don't like it and often feel like I am a burden to Daddy. He continually assures me that is not the case, but I hate it nonetheless. I'm sorry to hear that things are do topsy turvy in your world and if you find out how to get in and stay in that bubble, please let me know!
P
Lots of interesting thoughts here "the relief of feeling powerless" it top among them. I love reading your blog when we get insights into the love you have for Daddy and the strength you get from him.
Just a logistical question, how do you position yourself to keep his penis in your mouth all night? Sounds lovely, but I'm trying to figure out how big your bed must be. LOL
I wander though mouse if feeling needy is not necessarily a bad thing? perhaps Omega likes the neediness to a certain extent?
x
I hate, hate, hate feeling needy, mouse, even though Daddy says it's okay for me to need him.
I don't like the 'm' word either - like the 'p-s' word even less. I just know that I go between relishing, needing and craving the pain he sometimes gives me. I know that it makes me feel safe and cocooned that he loves me enough, it takes away my emotional turmoil.
A mentor once tole me that masochists like pain for pain's sake, so I wasn't really. Because it's less that for me than tall the lovely things that come with it from Daddy, the release and relief, his soft touch, soothing words, millions of little kisses, strong and loving cuddles....and the knowing that whatever he brings to me comes from a place of love. These things are all a comfort.
Hope he's back soon, and it's not too terrible. If you need to talk, you can email :)
(((hugs)))
(((hugs))) dear mouse!
isn't the news crazy? I get myself in a tizzy when I do watch it and when "H" gets home I'm a rambling mess and I don't think it helps after his busy day! - I do feel like a burden at times. Why can just the news do that!
How is baby girl such a big girl already? I still wish I could nurse my boys, have awful dreams where I still am and then I wake up unable to. Why is it I think I needed it more then they did? Makes me feel like a failure and then "H" gets mad because he thinks it's silly because we have been round and round about it already... Oh, this probably should have been more of an email - sorry to blog on your blog.. I meant to say - it's crazy when it's a huge mixed bag right?
Hang in there, I hope you two have a lovely dinner and that he's not gone long.
-Emi
Maybe mouse is very small?
Hang in there mouse.
Hugs,
-H
It's late and I can't sleep. I missed Fridays post. Can I say mouse, everything you said about Omega is exactly how I feel when H leaves on business trips and is super busy. Hate it. Hate feeling needy. Hate it especially at nite, the bed seems so big and I can't sleep without him. I start to feel unsteady, tired even. I get mad at myself that I can't seem to function without him (I do but not very well).
I'm sorry mouse. I try to stay busy. I even nap every day he's gone(which helps cause I don't sleep at nite). I know babygirl keeps you busy but it's your mind that wanders...at least mine does.
I hope he's not gone long mouse! You can always tweet me!! xo
hugs,
mg
Thanks Ava! It was actually kinda nice to write it this way. Had just too much to get out of mouse's head...
Might have to remember and do it again.
Hugs,
mouse
The neediness is something that makes mouse nuts...but Daddy assures mouse all the time that she's not too needy for him.
It's hard keeping unpleasantness out and staying inside the bubble. Not watching the news helps but you still hear about stuff...People talk.
And you can only deflect it so well.
Hugs,
mouse
LOL...
What she generally does, since you you asked, is to snuggle down by his legs...sometimes between them.
Or her head resting just above it, using his body as a pillow.
Sometimes she'll wake and he'll have moved a little, so it's not inside her mouth..but it's close and she can follow the scent without opening her eyes.
There are times that she'll suck him while he's sleeping. He'll become very hard, but not so that he'll wake. He's definitely asleep and probably having a dirty dream. :-)
It's probably seasonal too, tho, he seems fine sleeping without any blankets. .Even in the winter months.
Sometimes mouse just needs him sooo much...
It's a weird quirk of mouse's tho...it seems.
Hugs,
mouse
Oh tori..really think he doesn't like the neediness...he LOVES it. Think he really thrives on keeping mouse in that needy place. It's not like mouse can't handle things...for example, our garbage disposal kinda died...well it just wasn't working right...so mouse did some trouble shooting that normally she'd just wait for Daddy to fix.
It's working but it probably needs to be replaced soon.
That part can wait.
He likes to be the one to rescue her.
Oh June -- thanks for the kind thoughts....and that safe cocooned feeling...ya that's where mouse loves to be.
Masochism is very confusing at least to mouse. Dunno if it's really the level of trust tho that seems to get mouse off.
Then after when he holds mouse until all the angst or outpouring of emotions is done...It's beautiful.
It's certainly not something that everyone can understand or think is healthy to have such feelings -- it seems to bother some people.
Daddy will say that speaks much more about themselves than it does to us.
Hugs,
mouse
Oh Emi your comments about anything are always welcome! The news has been insane lately, especially with a certain country behaving like a petulant child in need of a "time out" and Daddy has told mouse NOT to watch the news more than once.
When baby girl took a tumble out of the crib (while trying to climb into it) Daddy put his foot down and said the crib had to go. She's 16 month old...still so little but is demanding the rights of a big girl now it seems. We're gong to be in trouble when she slams into those tween and teen years.
Your totally not failure. You've got twin boys! Your hands are so full that mouse takes her hat off to you. Totally can't imagine how exhausted you must be feeling.
One was bad enough. LOL
The dinner was lovely so thank you!
Hugs,
mouse
Hedone...thanks so much! <3 ya!
You nailed it mg, when you wrote, "I get mad at myself that I can't seem to function without him (I do but not very well)..."
Yes and that's it in a nutshell.
And ya, trying to stay busy...right now it's a little nerve wracking for mouse because Daddy is definitely a safety net for her....and when he's gone...
Ya know?
He'll be back on Wednesday for sure...maybe earlier...
Thanks....
Hugs,
mouse
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