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Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Last Night of Sadness

This is a scary post for mouse to write, the kind of post that leaves mouse feeling very vulnerable and somewhat afraid.

Since mouse has been with Daddy there have been many changes, each one better than the next. People might not agree on everything Daddy's done or comfortable with the level of control he has over mouse. Some say it just makes mouse more dependent on him.

It makes mouse anxious to write this, like panicky. Daddy is sitting behind mouse though watching. Telling her to just breathe. If there is anyone in the world behind her -- it's gotta be Daddy. The biggest most profound change in mouse has been that she is better, more well-rounded and able to deal with things more so than before.

When mouse reflects on her life, she sees the glaring pattern of ignoring issues -- by throwing herself into other things. Today, there's no hiding from things or using distractions. The most important thing that Daddy taught her was to just take things one by one. Before if she felt overwhelmed she would ignore completely by doing something else not at all related to the issue. An example might be if the house was a disaster, mouse would ignore it by making cookies. It never works it fixes nothing.

It'll be just as overwhelming forever unless you do the steps to fix it. For years and years mouse didn't deal with any of her PTSD. Instead she worked. As long as she worked everything was fine. Being with Daddy forced mouse to stop. He stopped her moments of insanity and made her deal with her issues.

Did he help her?
Yes.
Did he make her feel safe?
Yes.
Did he do the work for her by controlling her?
No!

His control allowed mouse to be brave enough to do her own work.

To be strong and brave enough, to borrow from his courage; to deal.

Today, mouse is more able to handle things better than before. It doesn't matter how much control he takes, he gives back more.

Song Selection: Don't Fear the Reaper; Blue Oyster Cult

21 comments:

  1. mouse (& Omega),

    I have read your whole blog. It was one of the first I found when I entered into this lifestyle. Your story has both fascinated & horrified me. Your journey together has been amazing!

    I am glad that you had the courage to write this post. I am glad to find the opportunity to tell you, mouse, that you are so incredibly strong and a remarkable woman. You are very lucky, both you & Omega to have each other & you are an inspiration to us all!!

    Thank you for sharing your lives with us!!!

    (((hugs)))
    geekie kittie

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    Replies
    1. Thanks!

      And yes, mouse does feel quite lucky...but there are other times...when she think she's just failing at everything...

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  2. Mouse,

    In my mind his control of you is based on his LOVE of you. He knows what you need and thrive on. You have grown as a person with him as your guide.

    You are very loved.

    Hug,
    Joey

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much Joey!

      You're right too.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  3. This is one of the most beautiful examples of this lifestyle. I imagine you in an enclosed structure (a cage, if you will) working on your issues while your Daddy circles around outside not only encouraging you, but keeping away anyone who would seek to harm or distract you. To those approaching he may seem over protective and strict, but in reality he is covering and loving you.

    Thank you for writing this. For me, it is inspiring :)

    hugs to you
    p

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much P!

      Your comment made mouse smile. That's exactly how it is for us...

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  4. what a lovely post!

    Curious as to what about it exactly made you feel nervous? Was it to do with talking about the levels of control Alpha has?

    Maybe he has lots by some reckoning. But you guys still strike me very much as a team, especially with the recent control over your internet use.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When mouse admits how much control Omega has over her...it's startling even to mouse. It's not something she thinks or considers often. It just is.

      When she thinks about it and thinks about what people have said to her in the past...

      The incident at the restaurant brought up a whole of feels from mouse...

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  5. Omega and mouse -- Your love for one another and the gifts it has brought you both shines through this post. To be held close, to be made safe and secure, to know where you belong and to whom -- these are not truly constraints, but a great lifting of the burdens of being utterly alone and lost. I am so thrilled for both of you.

    All the best,
    swan

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    Replies
    1. Gosh sue that's soooo true.

      And completely lovely the way you put it.

      Hope things are cooling off (weather wise) where you are...

      Hugs and <3's
      mouse

      Delete
  6. Dear Mouse, the line that strikes me most is: People might not agree on everything Daddy's done or comfortable with the level of control he has over mouse. Some say it just makes mouse more dependent on him.

    I just want to say, who cares what people think. People don't walk in your shoes, people don't have to deal with the issues you are dealing with. We all have our own issues and deal with them in our own ways. As someone who lives with her own PTSD, dealt by a nightmare childhood, I think I deserve to be dependent on some one. I'm just happy that I've found someone who values and protects and treasures that dependence instead of using and abusing it.

    None of us really want to walk alone through this life and finding that special someone that fosters only the best in us is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I'm so happy you have found yours.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much Faerie...your comments made mouse cry!

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  7. This. This is beautiful.

    Such a beautiful post and beautiful life you've made for yourself.

    I am happy that you appreciate the work done by both of you. It should be celebrated and shared. (Which I'm so thankful that you do share with us.)

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    1. sub e,

      Thanks so much and you're welcome. It's never easy throwing yourself out there...but sometimes it's totally worth it!

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  8. This is so beautiful. When my Sir found me I was so close to losing myself completely in the pain. He has rebuilt me and I know your Daddy's control of you is the same as my Sirs. His control is his love for you and his protection of that which he loves.

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    1. Oh pyxie,

      Isn't it lovely? It's nice to know that what they do for us has so much meaning, even if we don't understand it at the time or think a certain idea is silly. Later it seems to all come together to make us better and very protected...but above all loved.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  9. I agree, beautiful. And I can relate to the cookie thing ;-) As I've said before, your Daddy sounds perfect, Mouse. Sod anyone who can't see that. :)

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    Replies
    1. He's very perfect for mouse.

      Thanks for understanding and for commenting.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete

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