Being Forthcoming

All day yesterday, it seemed, mouse struggled -- all though she had put a positive spin in her post from yesterday, she couldn't shake the dream. It just felt so vivid, too real to just shake off. Going about her chores in almost a fog that just wouldn't lift. In the private journal, which mouse has been writing in far more often than she used to, she wrote that she was trying to extinguish the fire of her fears.

Daddy wrote that he couldn't fix all her fears, but told her that he couldn't eliminate all her worry. It's a valid fear. But he works hard to remain balanced. He didn't believe the dream was in anyway prophetic, but did illustrate how deeply mouse's submission runs now. He said the unsettledness was normal and would pass.

On some level it pleased him. Not that mouse was distressed by an unseen monster, but that she turned to him so easily. In the past mouse might have tried to keep the fear to herself, not wanting to reveal it or afraid to seem silly until it would make her weary. Then it would come out as anger or hostility directed most likely at him. It's a struggle with control. Of needing to control something she hasn't any control over.

He's a tyoe 1 diabetic. Sometimes if he doesn't eat enough or too much of the wrong foods, his blood sugars react. That's a natural occurrence and while it doesn't happen very frequently, it does happen on occassion. Fretting and internalizing those fears wouldn't serve mouse or him well when it does happen again. At once the dream would return and the fear would take a strangle hold, causing mouse to lash out and blame him. Because she'd really want to blame herself for not making sure and hounding him to take better care. Forgetting, quite naturally, he's managed it pretty damn well for more than a few decades.

This is the weird way mouse's mind used to work.

In somehow realizing there isn't any control, mouse went to him with her fears. Handed them over to him and left it to him to decide how best to cope. That's kind of extraordinary for mouse. Like a breakthrough almost.

Making that realization, and not underscoring or putting herself down for having it, but giving it to him freely, triggered a strong sense of calm. It's almost emboldened mouse...the sky didn't fall. He hasn't succumbed to a coma; we continue to move forward. The next time mouse is confronted with a similar fear, hopefully she'll remember this lesson and just go to him.