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Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Long Run

Dear Readers,

It seems mouse did cause a whole lot of concern in her last post. Really as she tried to explain in the comments she hadn't meant to. The problem is at times that mouse often has so much to say or express that during the rewrites things are left out. Sometimes it's because she planned to move the thought to a different paragraph or whatever.

When we played and tried what mouse called the poly thing, it failed horribly. That was back in 2011. After that mouse concluded he could do what he wanted but didn't want to know anything about it, or anyone else. The hard limit was dropped, but mouse was still miles from where she needed to be. He didn't engage anyone else until the end of 2013. During that time between, he worked very hard with mouse with her abuse issues of the past. He demonstrated time and again how committed he was to mouse. He has shown her nothing but the deepest love.

In many ways mouse did try to top him from the bottom, when she would try to make him want to stay home. He didn't fall for it ever. It's not anything she's proud of.

Really in retrospect, the problems were that mouse wouldn't discuss it with him much, mentally flipping out at the thought, and her own nagging insecurities that she just wasn't enough. Then the crushing failure of trying to be more. Had she spoken with him more about the insecurities, he might have been able to assuage those fears or address but mouse didn't show them. Privately when he wasn't at home, she would cry, kick and get angry but the moment he walked through the door, she was so happy to see him all the angst was forgotten for the moment. Because he came home to her.

Well, until the next time. Then it repeated.

Doing the research helped more than mouse could express. Even the few scientific studies she could find on it, news articles, whatever on open relationships -- helped her to see that she was making it so much harder than it had to be. Daddy didn't love mouse any less or the others any more. We all different.

DV remarked in a comment in the last post, "Second, doing this is not about you not being enough, it's just being with someone different. You can do the same thing with two different people and it will be different. It's not about comparing, or looking for something that is missing."

This is what Daddy's said a hundred times to mouse. This was what she needed to get -- that it wasn't about her flaws or her own inadequacies that drove him into the arms of another woman. It was just something different.

Omega has always been poly. He's always had many women in his life and often even in his bed. He cared about them all. He has through the years remained in contact with many of them. He won't accept any criticism from them where mouse is concerned. They saw it far differently. They saw mouse as being messed up and not allowing him to be himself. They probably wondered why he stayed with mouse at all. One of them, "Cat" left a comment as well. The irony of her referring to herself as "cat" wasn't lost on mouse. But her point was well taken and appreciated.

We have grown more together than before. Yes, some might say that mouse has submitted to him deeper. That could be true, or it also could be that mouse loves him and he loves her. Maybe submission isn't the right word or term at all. Maybe it's just about acceptance. Accepting and appreciating all the parts of Omega.

Also she didn't mean to give the impression that he hid the relationship from mouse and just did what he wanted, when he wanted. Hid was a very poor choice of words. The truth was he tried to discuss it like adults should, mouse didn't want to hear about it and just said she didn't care -- don't want to know and don't give mouse a disease. He found the disease comment rather appalling that mouse would think so little of him. In the end, he did follow her wishes. He wasn't thrilled but he also knows mouse waaaay better too. He believed with all his heart that she would calm as her trust that sky wouldn't fall increased, and hoped one day she would accept it. Daddy is quite happy now that mouse does and was overall pleased with Friday's post -- probably becsuse he's used to reading between the mouse lines

One of the reasons mouse didn't write about this was because on many levels it did confuse her a bunch. How he could be so sexy and loving with mouse and need to be with someone else? As DV pointed out, it's not about that. It's just different. The shading she would have given this, had she written about it, would not have favored or did Omega any justice. In fact, looking back of some of her words in her very private diary she made him sound like an uncaring cad. He's never been that, but mouse's own anger shaded him that way.

Still the shift in her thinking, the challenge to her ideals and notions of right and wrong spurred the post Friday. The need to explain the changes that have occurred. In that mouse didn't really achieve what she set out to do. The idea that we can have deep changes of heart and not have it be the end of the world. As mouse read through the comments fit to be published she realized that she had at least somewhat failed. For that she is deeply sorry. Also, since we are going away for a while mouse felt it wrong to end it with just that post.

Thanks as always for reading!

 

21 comments:

  1. The written word is open to interpretation (oh dont i know that!)

    You wrote honestly about something that im going to assume had been difficult for you, you put yourself out here on your blog, exposing yourself in a sense, and for that you are to be applauded, it cant have been easy..again i assume.

    I have to say that post has caused a lot of discussion here in our home, i asked Master to read it because it really struck a chord in me, made me self reflect on the way i am when he is with others, im difficult, i make it difficult for him, and that post, your words..well it helped mouse, a lot.....thats not to say im completely reformed and still wont be difficult lol...but boy have you given me a perspective that well simply helps.

    so thank you

    x



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    1. Well your welcome. Even tho mouse is fine with this whole thing, there are small niggling parts that need to hush still. But it's ok.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  2. For what it's worth, I neither read nor felt anything in that post that led me to change my belief that you two are strong, solid, and in love - no matter how you choose to frame it.

    There was no whining, deceit, or grim resolution, it was simply a story of the path you'd traveled to arrive at a state of peaceful acceptance. (OK, you mentioned *past* whining, but that's a different kettle of fish…)

    I didn't comment initially, because as someone who's unlikely to ever walk that particular path, I don't feel qualified to contribute.
    As a former professor of mine once informed us, "I am not interested in your uninformed opinion - give me facts or be quiet."
    (And oh, how I wish I could distribute t-shirts with that on it…)

    I am commenting now, however, because I don't believe you missed the mark as badly as it may have felt you did. I think people simply project - mostly because they care.

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    1. Thanks Jz,

      Omega said something similar -- and really mouse didn't want there to be lingering questions about it all. Thank you for understanding and being so wonderful of a friend.

      *bump*

      Delete
  3. Im back (sorry)

    I dont feel in my opinion (for what its worth) you have anything to be sorry for, those that read you regularly and have done for years should know what a solid relationship you and Omega have.

    ok, i am done now, honestly...ok possibly :)

    x

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    1. Honestly, you're right. The thing that mouse does worry about at times are the newbies. Sometimes we like to dig in our heels and forget that there are many facets to life. The ones that haven't followed our full journey and don't want to read every post.

      Certainly, the ones that have gone back to read all the posts (over a thousand), deserve some sort of medal. Even mouse doesn't want to do that...oh sometimes she'll look at a few. For the most part the blog is a fluid expression.

      Thanks for reading <3

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  4. Oh mouse,
    As I read your previous post, I sensed, a lot of people might judge Omega, or raise the concerns as you mentioned.
    In my opinion, you wrote a truly beautiful and honest post about your transformation.
    If anything, you deserve praise for that. I refrained from saying that yesterday. I should have .. thus I now do: Thank you very much for sharing mouse. And for the both of you, enjoy your summer.

    As to the subject of yesterday, to me it is not just different. It also enables the possibility to experience things which are impossible otherwise. By the shear love and trust for each other which does not diminish at all.

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    1. Thank you Mr Midas.

      As it's been said before that was the purpose to record for the "record" as such, a profound change of opinion.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  5. Mouse,
    Your previous post was hard for me to read - because i could so easily see how i would feel - betrayed, afraid, worthless - all negative things. But - i know that is me - for one thing - another person in our relationship is a hard limit of His - so this would truly have been a betrayal. Your writing, over the years and especially now, has helped me learn to suspend my own reactions and read the other person's truth. It's amazing what a person can learn that way. So - thank you for writing what you do. And have a wonderful summer!

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    1. Yes, and it's hard...when a deep seeded belief is called into question.

      This blog, while documenting our lives together in a power exchange relationship -- it's called as the URL says "a slave's tale".

      Thank you greengirl! <3

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  6. I just want to send you the warmest hug, and tell you I'm happy all is well with you. I totally get the poly thing - it's got nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the way Omega is put together. Life is usually not smooth-and I think this lifestyle sometimes makes unusual bumps in the path, but sometimes the bumps are fun!

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  7. Dear Mouse, I have thought and thought and thought about my comment on the last post. No post on any blog ever has caused me so much trouble!! I have thought about your post and talked about it and wondered about it. It has caused me to do my own research on open relationships and to discuss and reflect on my own concerns and beliefs and, perhaps, prejudices concerning relationship intimacy. It is not a form of relationship I am drawn to at all, but nor does it normally trouble me unduly in others.

    I have also felt so bad for my criticism of something which is truly none of my business. I have always been so impressed by your deep love for one another. "Cat"s post this morning made me laugh. I thought "Miaow!!!" And, like you, thought her chosen name entirely appropriate. Watch out she never tries to eat you!!

    This post helps a lot to explain the background. Thank you. But really, what you choose to do is entirely none of my business and I should know better than to judge things I don't fully understand - or indeed to sit in judgement at all. As you pointed out, this is your blog to express yourself.

    I am however deeply impressed with your resolve to try to accept Omega exactly as he is, no matter what. That is a sign of great commitment and love and I commend you for it. I love reading your blog posts and miss them when you are away! I repeat my wish for you both to have a wonderful, peaceful summer. N

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  8. I thought that the last post and this one were both beautifully articulated and written, I found them both extremely interesting and they gave me much to ponder.

    I found yesterday's one hard to read, but that was because I am monogamous (very, natural or not!) and I find it hard not to project myself into stuff I read and I then start imagining and experiencing how I would feel and react, which in this case would not be pretty. That's to do with ME though, not you, not Omega and not your posts, which as I say, I thought were great.

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    1. Thank you mc kitten! Really thank you!

      Delete
  9. Character will out. Having read here for years, it is obvious that Omega is very principled and obvious that you love each other very much. He has worked so hard to help you grow and heal is would be illogical and out of character for him to do something to tear that down now. I think anyone who has read here consistently understands that.

    You know my only concern about the last post was that you had carried that by yourself for so long. <3

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    1. Oh monkey thank you so much for that. Yes, in many ways it was hard but it would have been maybe harder to write about it and then back peddle and say that mouse accepts it now. As she wrote in the post, her remarks would have reflected quite poorly on him. That isn't what mouse wants to do.

      Hugs and much love,
      mouse

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  10. I'm monogamous person in real-life... fantasies exist in a different part of my brain.... it's what I want and desire. However, as a biologist, I do relate to Omega's comment that monogamy isn't natural. Humans are quite unlike most mammals in that we prefer, though I do think that preference is determined more by social, religious and cultural forces, to mate for life. What we do crave is stability and security in our lives, and I'm quite convinced Omega provides you those in abundance.
    Thank you for your honesty, as ever, you express yourself beautifully.
    Have a great summer.

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    1. DelFonte,

      YES! We as humans do crave stability. Omega does provide that there isn't a need of mouse's that goes completely unmet. Thanks and we will enjoy the summer -- it's been such a long haul mouse is ready to relax for a couple months. :)

      <3

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  11. Hugs mouse, enjoy your relaxing!
    I personally don't have much to offer as far as commenting because I feel that how ever you two wish to work as a relationship is nothing but your own business. I just wanted to express thanks for letting us readers in to your world.

    Take care,

    Emi J


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