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Friday, May 29, 2015

Cause I Love You

Back in the 80s the band The Eagles did a song called, "I Can't Tell You Why" and as we know that mouse loves songs and lyrics are often her poetry.  Around a year and half ago, yes it's taken mouse that long, Daddy and mouse started feeling much more connected than ever before.  We felt closer and better together -- far more connected. We grew more together and he was very in tune to mouse's needs but also steadfast in his making her toe the line.  Nothing's changed yet everything has.  

Daddy also around that time took a "pet", a girl we both knew. They would get together and play when they had the time.  At first, he kept the relationship a secret from mouse because she was so insecure and fearful...what if he liked the other girl more than mouse?  What if he fell in love with her?  The internal fear hum drove mouse insane and told him in so many words that she couldn't handle it -- even dropped the "hard limit" thing.  The loudest internal hum came from the fact she couldn't understand why she wasn't enough for him.  

It took her a long time to realize that it's not quite about that.  He's always had lots of women in his life and it was mouse that always shying away from that part of his life.  The simple truth is for him, one woman would never be enough.  Was that ok?  Honestly, mouse took a don't ask, don't tell approach.  What he did was his business and she didn't want to know about it, and pretended it didn't happen.  We could say mouse was moving closer but not quite.  He'd sometimes come home from work late and go immediately upstairs to shower and mouse would internally freak out about it.  He'd mention plans that didn't include mouse and she'd try to change his mind -- cajoling him or tried to use her feminine whiles to hold him at home.  When it failed, she blamed herself again thinking she wasn't enough.  

During that time he remained unchanged -- he didn't waver in what he wanted.  He treated mouse with respect and demonstrated that he truly did love her unconditionally.  Yet, mouse seemed to be placing conditions her her love for him.  Relationships are complicated.  

After around a year, his relationship with his pet ended because he knew the pet needed more than he could offer and they mutually decided to end it.  This was a huge relief to mouse thinking, well he's gotten that out of his system.  But no.  It wasn't that at all.  This wasn't something that he could ever change about him.  He really does believe to humans monogamy is an unnatural state.  Even in the wild animals that "mate for life," the DNA tested on the offspring showed something else unexpected -- DNA that didn't match.   It's led naturalists to ask, do they seek each other for companionship and comfort? 

So, mouse was making this all harder than it had to be and was maybe growing up or moving forward toward where he was.  What is slavery?  How she wished she could turn the hum off in her head!  It would make everything so much more easier.  We didn't discuss it, because mouse wouldn't engage with that topic at all.  Earlier this year, he came from work and showered, sending mouse into a mental tizzy -- this is a huge signal.  This time was different.  Taking a look at him she realized he does love her.  He won't hurt her.  He won't do something that he knows would upset mouse.  

It took forever for mouse to ask.  Months passed.  During that time mouse was reading more about open relationships.  Now, she has to admit that she was looking for information that would back up her position.  That would validate her belief that somehow he wanted permission to cheat.  Now, mouse has made it pretty clear that she's atheist and when she looked...she found lots of religious people against this idea of relationship openness.  But she also found lots of evidence that open relationships are quite healthy and satisfying.  We're both wired in such a way that one thing that could change our thought processes is evidence.  

Damn it.  

Still Daddy was still very much Daddy....loving. caring, stern, stoic and ever mercurial.  He was sadistic when he wanted with mouse and drove her wild with pleasures she can't begin to explain but most are well documented here in this blog.  Still during this investigation period mouse felt false on these pages.  The internal turmoil of 'what would the readers think?' also hummed in her head.  

But this blog isn't really for the readers, a small bit mouse forgot about along the way.  It's for her...its a diary of her life -- well, the parts no one knows about (or very few).  A breakthrough occurred when he sent a text saying he'd be late for dinner.  There wasn't a familiar pang of jealousy.  

We should back up a little and explain he won't lie to mouse, if he says he's working late -- he is.  Without fail.  If he says he's meeting a friend or colleague  for a drink, he means that too.   If he says nothing except that he's going to be late....it means he can't or doesn't feel free to say why.  

So, mouse replied if she could keep dinner warm for him.  He said yes and added he wouldn't be too late and mouse replied, "have fun."  It was around a minute or so later that he replied simply, "Thank you." 

He came home and smiled warmly at mouse, hugged her, kissing her forehead tenderly and went upstairs to shower.  From mouse there was no rage or upset at all.  While he ate we talked a little about this thing...he was quite cautious about it.  Not wanting to say the wrong thing and start something...But mouse was different about it all  While she still doesn't want to know the intimate details about what he does, she's not worried about it.  Yes, she's met the new girl, and mouse knew instantly why -- at the behest of the pet.  Not that this new pet is everything mouse isn't either.  We're different.  He cares about us both but very differently.  The pet wanted assurances that mouse was ok with all this.  Maybe ok, isn't the right word, but pet wanted to know that he wasn't just saying, 'she's fine' to find out later that mouse was unaware.  

Now, mouse isn't, at this time, moving toward a poly thing -- we still have to be careful -- we don't live in a world where this is accepted.  Then again neither is our Master/slave dynamic well accepted either.  Yes, it's complicated.  This has also stirred feelings in mouse that she can't explain -- it kind of excites mouse in a weird way, which is much better than pissing her off.  

Going back to the beginning and The Eagles...This song screamed to mouse when she heard again recently.  It's not in her iPod so it wasn't a song she thought about.  Still, it spoke to mouse and when she was thinking of posting this song has been rattling in her head.  It's scary to her to admit all this, to put it out there.   The pet might never be mentioned again, because mouse doesn't see it as being part of her relationship with Daddy -- which is the overall theme of this blog.  Still remaining completely silent about the existence of the pet, seems to be wrong to mouse or maybe it's not that at all, maybe it's more that mouse feels differently about open relationships than she has stated in the past.  Surrendering, growing, and evolving.  That fits very well into the theme of this blog.

This will also likely be the last post for a while as we're leaving soon for the summer and there is still so much to be done before we leave in a couple weeks. But we do have a few Newbie Tuesday posts scheduled and comments will be open -- it will just take a while to be published.   

"I Can't Tell You Why"

Look at us baby, up all night 
Tearing our love apart 
Aren't we the same two people who live 
through years in the dark? 

Every time I try to walk away 
Something makes me turn around and stay 
And I can't tell you why 

When we get crazy, 
it just ain't to right, 
(try to keep you head, little girl) 
Girl, I get lonely, too 
You don't have to worry 
Just hold on tight 
(don't get caught in your little world) 
'Cause I love you 

Nothing's wrong as far as I can see 
We make it harder than it has to be 
and I can't tell you why 

no, baby, I can't tell you why 
I can't tell you why 

52 comments:

  1. It sounds like this was really hard to share but its nice to read how your thoughts on this changed over time. It certainly is understandable how this could initially be a hard limit, the question is did Omega respect that hard limit at first and wait for you to come around or just tell you too bad? That would seem to be the difference between cheating and an open relationship.

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    1. He respected and waited. Over time the idea of hard limits went away...

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    2. So glad to hear that! When you stated he hid it all sorts of red flags went up, that would be cheating for sure.

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    3. He's never once denied what he needed or his desires. He is more than patient.

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  2. mouse, you have given me something to think about. It's not that I have the same worries (after all, mine doesn't have anyone else, and one doesn't really know how they will feel until they are in it), but I'm thinking of the evolving part and how you just never know how you might feel a week, a month, or year from now...

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    1. Yeah that's the thing...mouse used to say she wouldn't entertain the idea...

      Now, 6 years later she accepts it and embraces it because it makes him happy and that makes mouse happy.

      Who knew?

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  3. What a wonderful post. I love long posts from you, mouse! This may sound odd coming from somebody you don't know personally, but your constant growth never ceases to amaze me. You're an incredible person.

    Have an amazing summer, you two!

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    1. Thanks and most things are possible with lots of trust. :)

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  4. Mouse, I can certainly appreciate how hard this was to share. Thank you for having the courage to do so....I find it extremely interesting to see how we all evolve and change within our individual dynamics.

    Have a safe and fun summer!

    Hugs

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    1. Thanks LG, that's pretty much sums it all up nicely!

      We all change and evolve or become stagnant.

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    2. Oh dear Mouse. I wrote a huge long comment and then it disappeared. I shall try again. If it appears on the other side of the ether, please know that it was not yet finished. I was still considering it. I was trying to share with you my reflections on what I found to be a troubling post. I found it troubling because of my own personal belief system.

      You are in a master/slave dynamic and thus, on the face of it, Omega can act entirely as he pleases. However, I don’t truly believe in the master/slave dynamic since I believe that, like all relationships, to be successful it must be founded on love.

      I believe absolutely in the principle of unconditional love and I try to live my life by the principle of loving my fellow humans as I love myself. In this light, I see love as an action rather than a feeling. It is something we do rather than something we have. I am by no means a saint and I don’t feel in any way equipped to judge you or Omega. If you were able to peek into my life as I have peeked into yours, I have no doubt that you would find much selfishness on my part. But, from a distance and with an imperfect vision of your lives, I feel uncomfortable with some elements of your blog post today.

      I have no problem with polygamous relationships. If you were entirely happy with the nature of your relationship(s) I would have no comment to make whatsoever. It is because you have been so unhappy at times during the last year that I feel called to respond.

      I am incredibly impressed with your efforts to accept Omega exactly as he is. You have tried so hard to love him unconditionally and to find positive ways to deal with a situation which clearly made you uncomfortable. But what of Omega? Has he loved you equally unconditionally?

      In part, perhaps the answer to that question lies in your own history. Did Omega make it plain to you from the very beginning that he needed an open relationship? Was your love for him such that you were willing to accept an open relationship, albeit reluctantly, only to find it incredibly painful in reality? If so, then I can understand the situation that you find yourself in.

      But equally, did Omega enter into a relationship with you knowing you were incredibly uncomfortable with open relationships? Did he begin his relationship with Pet knowing that you were not yet able to accept such a situation and that it would inevitably cause you emotional pain? If the latter is true, then Omega was not loving you unconditionally. He was acting out of self-interest and disregarding your feelings. For sure that is his “right”. But I don’t think that can ever be a good thing. I think it causes all manner of harm.

      From my perspective, it seems that Omega should have waited until you felt able to accept such a relationship happily. I believe that would have been the loving thing to have done. Instead I feel he rode roughshod over your feelings. I do not for one minute doubt his love for you or his commitment to you. It is entirely possible to love another and yet still to act selfishly. I just don’t believe it makes for long term happiness.

      Of course my perspective is that of a blog reader and can never be a full or true reflection of your lives. It is also based on my belief system which you may or may not share. I hope you will accept my comments as well intentioned and disregard anything that you know to be an imperfect understanding of your lives.

      I wish you both a peaceful, happy and fulfilling summer.
      N

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    3. Yes, he has always been pretty clear on what he wanted. The balking came from mouse. In the early years mouse had too many other issues to deal with; he let it go. But mouse is far more better off today than she was then. Its not the terrifying thing it once was to her.

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  5. So if he thinks monogamy is unnatural, do you get to have someone else? Whether you want to or not is not the question. Do you get to have someone else? Or is only he allowed to have his cake and eat it too?

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    1. He nearly didn't publish your comment since it was loaded with a bit a snark, but...

      Yes, he's always encouraged mouse to explore her sexuality with other Dominants. We, in the past did explore poly, but at that time mouse was too insecure to handle it. It was also around that time the hard limit was dropped. There are a couple Dominants that we know personally that wouldn't mind playing with mouse. Daddy would never force mouse (unless he truly felt that would get her off).

      Who knows at some point in the future as mouse does become more emboldened and secure, maybe she would like to explore something like that.

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    2. i think your reply to this summed it all up beautifully, its not about having his cake and eating it too, but rather its about being able to be open and honest with each other, Omega knowing you enough to know what you can handle and what you cant, when to push, when to hold back, and all of this is done with having the trust in one another that you have.

      Because im quite sure he would not intentionally create a situation that would cause damage to you both, and knowing that is what makes what once may have seemed a no-go..possible.

      x

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    3. tori is just so wise :) xxx

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  6. I really, really wanted to write a long comment to this, but im going to leave it simply as this was lovely to read and you nearly always have me going away contemplating in a good way.

    Have a wonderful summer, all of you.

    x

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  7. I just love your posts, and am happy for you that you felt comfortable enough to share this part with us. I know you must have had many strong feelings on this topic. We also have an open relationship- free and open on his end, and my end open to doing what ever he orders me to do, or allows me to do, depending.

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    1. Honestly mouse has more good things about open relationships than bad things. It's refreshing and it helps mouse so much.

      We love each other deeply and support each other well.

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  8. I enjoy your blog oh so very much. I am a little mousy myself, and I understand all the things you say, you say them so much better than I ever could. I'm impressed with how you have GROWN and also fallen deeper and deeper into your submission.
    Bravo to you, and also bravo to Omega for helping you to be all you can be.

    Enjoy your summer!

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    1. Thank you for your support. :)

      Really looking forward to summer!

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  9. I so love your honesty mouse. You have said so many things that I am fearful of and yet don't want to be. When I started my relationship with Master He was in a LDR with someone else and I was the 2nd person. Now I am the one person in His relationship, but He is very much like your Master. He believes that we should explore our sexuality and that monogamy isn't a natural state.

    I am so pleased you are able to see how special you are to your Daddy and that you have nothing to fear. I hope I can approach things in the same way. My Master has similar views about me and other Dominant men.

    Have a wonderful summer xxx

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  10. I love your posts! Thank you for sharing this! Have a wonderful Summer!

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    1. Thank you! Soo looking forward to it...well, once we get there. Lol.

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  11. So beautiful, Mouse, thanks for sharing.

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  12. Thank you for sharing mouse! I struggle with this and I wish I could find the peace you've achieved. Have a fantastic summer!

    Isabel

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    1. Thanks Isabel we appreciate your support. :)

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  13. "Still during this investigation period mouse felt false on these pages. The internal turmoil of 'what would the readers think?' also hummed in her head."

    This is your place to write Sweetheart, so false doesn't signify. As to what do those reading think? Overwhelmingly, we love you. Your honesty, your humor, your struggles, your triumphs, I think most of us here would never judge you harshly (or O, because we know he adores you). When you do get negative judgment I'll lay odds it's TJ (troll judgement), and not worth your time.

    I am glad you are feeling more comfortable with it.

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  14. It's really hard to share sometimes. It's hard to be secure about it. Maybe we should share information about it.

    Good luck to you!

    P

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    1. It is so hard at times to adequately express. Really mouse wrote and rewrote this post several times and it seems people still seemed to misunderstand. Really mouse is happy about this new level of acceptance in her. Really the reason she didn't post about it, until it was resolved one way or another in her own mind, was because she didn't want it to become open season on Dom bashing or Daddy bashing.

      Thank you! And yes, wish more would discuss these aspects of their dynamic. :)

      Hugs,
      mouse

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    2. mouse,

      Other than than the snark commentor there didn't seem to be any bashing. The genuine concern seemed to come in because this started before you were at peace with situation, or at least that is what was inferred from reading. We are not here to judge, it was more of protectiveness for your well being. Hiding things in these type of dynamics is just so startling, it just seemed off. If you two are happy that's all that matters.

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    3. The reason mouse kept quiet was because she hadn't (mentally) came to terms with it all. And really Dancing mouse appreciates your and everyone's concern -- really. In some ways a friend pointed out in email it had to be lonely to go this completely alone. They too were rather stunned by this post.

      Don't know if going public earlier, while mouse was still so uncertain would have been a good thing or horrible.

      The problem is, with mouse, if she's highly emotional about something, it becomes shaded with the emotion. So the worry was if mouse wrote about her displeasure and how uncomfortable she was with it all, that might have caused great concern for her. Because she was deep down angry with him and herself a good deal. But then it would make the times we played or had amazing sex all the more confusing -- at times it confused mouse.

      We are happy together.

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    4. By hiding, it was meant he hid the relationship from you. Sorry if that wasn't clear. This is your blog, whatever you share here is entirely up to you. We love reading whatever you share.

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    5. Oooooh...

      Yeah mouse is thick headed -- now she sees it.

      <3 love you Dancing....

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  15. Geesh mouse...you sure got the comments and everyone fired up on this one. :)
    Having a view from the Dominant side and being able to see more from the perspective Omega than a lot of your readers, I can say I get it.

    A couple of things I think you mentioned that are really important in this whole thing. First, in my experience, it isn't at all about loving you less or you not being enough, The love and care and desire for you is still there completely. I think that was shown by the fact that Omega obviously stood his ground with the first pet mentioned when they reached a point that she needed more. They mutually agreed to split because he wasn't even considering replacing you with her. He could have as he had that opportunity, but he didn't and that speaks to the person he is and what he feels for you and what you two have together. That should be reassuring to you that is isn;t going anywhere and that he does love mouse.

    Second, doing this is not about you not being enough, it's just being with someone different. You can do the same thing with two different people and it will be different. It's not about comparing, or looking for something that is missing. I think it's the internal spark of something different and, in my case, I enjoy helping others learn and better understand this lifestyle. If that is by messaging, talking, etc... then so be it. IF that is by being together and hands on experiences, then so be it. Internally for me it isn't about what I do or don't have already. It's wanting and needing to be a part of something more and helping others learn and grow and meet their needs as well.

    This is a nice post. I enjoyed reading about the mental process of this for you and how it has been a part of the lives of you both. It does have a lot to do with changing and "evolving" over time. I love the word evolving (have written about it myself) and think that is a great way to see how things have changed in our relationships... they don't change as much as I think they evolve.

    DV

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    1. Thank you sooooooo much DV Sir...

      Yes this is it exactly. Really mouse had to evolve in her thinking and grow. He always nurtures that part. You summed up nicely what he said to mouse many times. The new pet is mentored and disciplined the way that she needs it. And really mouse thinks we're both quite lucky. :)

      Thank you soooo very much for shining a light on these things. :)

      mouse

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  16. I have known "Omega" long before He was with "mouse" although I did know of her through Him. I have, drawn conclusions about their relationship in the past. I came down rather hard on mouse once in a phone call to Him. I found her childish and felt she was trying to "clip His wings."

    The old "Omega" I knew and enjoyed came through at once and put me in my place. He would not say anything about mouse or speak ill of her and would never tolerate anyone else doing that in His presence. I was humiliated by my own lack of discretion.

    I'm quite pleased to read this post, that He has guided His woman, in His patient, calm style, to see much more than her comfort zone would allow.

    Wishing you both the very best
    Cat

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  17. Must have been hard to write this Mouse but I am happy you shared it with us Thank you.

    Hope you have a wonderful summer.

    Love and hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Thank you Ronnie! Looking forward to summer...it's going to be nice.

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  18. No snark intended at all. I've read and reread your blog and longed for the things you have. I very much want that lifestyle but my husband, whom I love dearly, does not. He was abused as a child and can't separate pain that's desired and pain that is not. So I live vicariously through blogs.
    When I read this post I cried. Cried huge crocodile tears that I couldn't explain to my love.
    While I know this is your life and you are happy, I feel, oh, cheated? It feels like your Omega is cheating. Can you help me understand? I just know I would feel so betrayed. I'm sorry, not sure what I want exactly but felt the need to comment..
    Peace

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    1. Hope you return to see this reply. :) Not sure what mouse could say about that. Recovering from abuse is a hard road and something that requires a lot of resolve.

      He's not cheating and mouse cannot ever view it that way. Even when she dropped the "hard limit" ideal she knew he wasn't cheating. It's all wrapped up in introspection and soul searching. Learning to understand something you couldn't before requires evidence -- for mouse it requires a proof.

      When mouse went googling about this, she found mostly the ones that were against this open relationship or poly thing, were religious in nature (also against homosexuality). Now, mouse is atheist so that won't help to sway her thinking and she certainly won't hold up a study done in 1962 on the family institution website that says divorce, poly or whatever is wrong. Then there are religious groups that use religion to validate their poly beliefs (the sect of Mormonism comes to mind here). Obviously mouse isn't going to need that either.

      What did help was reading the articles that while didn't completely condone it, said what was truly needed for them to work was communication and understanding.

      Fear can be very unreasonable at times. :)

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  19. I too am an atheist, that's not it at all. I'm all for people doing whatever as long as its consensual but this still makes me so very sad, in fact, I'm crying again. Why do I feel so strongly about someone whom I presume lives on the opposite coast than I, and have never met. I am glad that you're happy, however. This is just my issue and I do appreciate you taking the time to explain.
    Peace.

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  20. When I read this post initially, I walked away with that uncomfortable feeling that comes when we read or really think about something that doesn't...Hmmm, Unusually enough, words fail me. Seem "right", perhaps?
    So I wondered off and didn't comment--I have read here for a long time, and while I do sometime worry about you because I like and care about you, I don't worry about you in terms of your relationship. He gives you what you need, and experience has taught me that the things we need are not always what we want, or even necessarily enjoy.
    I thought about it a lot, and I came to the conclusion that I should come back and comment. Because this is concept that I struggle with greatly, and my discomfort was not related to your experience of it, but to my own internal reconciliation and issues.
    I guess, in a very roundabout way, I'm just here to say thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to share in the sometimes very unkind court of public opinion, for shining your light into an area that, while i have been required to accept the concept of in my own relationship, I have not generally been successful in doing so.
    Still, the concept of M/s as I know it to be is very much this--those discomforts and internal struggles do not negate the fact that terms such as these are set by the master, not the slave. And while acceptance of those terms is not synonymous with always being joyful about them, that's okay. Because what we want is not always what we need, and in no small part, I think that slaves truly and deeply need to know that they are able to feed the needs of their master. Even if that feeding does not always take the form that we think it will, or should; or even come directly from us as the case may be--adapting to and accepting their needs is sometimes the only way to feed them.

    I really wish Blogger had a bigger comment box so I could see what I wrote and figure out if it makes any sense at all!

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    1. lil,

      It made sense! It's one thing to write about the good things, the easy-going times, but after coming out of months of struggle with this, mouse felt she had to write about this. Thank you for reading and your continual support.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  21. When i read this, it was a whole different view. When i first started on my journey, i was so insecure and possessive, but found myself a Master that already had his own slave. and it took me a while to get rid of those feelings, and accept such a thing. I've never seen what others think, as sometimes i hear "i'm fine" when they really are not. And Master's slave is more than okay with me as she says and doesn't mind at all. But on being the second one in the dynamic, its hard to hear what she may feel, as you expressed, because she may not be wanting to hurt me or Master's feelings.

    Thank you so much for sharing

    -ash

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    1. There are different sides to this mouse hadn't considered when she wrote this. One being the "pet" would read it. While Omega said she was relieved that mouse is ok -- it bothered her a good deal that mouse hadn't shared her initial discomfort.

      In the end it's all good, but yeah there are different perspectives to this thing.

      Thank you!
      mouse

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