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Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Love Has no Pride

When I call out your name
Love has no pride, but there's no one but myself to blame
But Id' give anything to see you again

Master came home from work yesterday and found mouse a complete mess. Crying and sobbing and needing to explain something that's been just bubbling out that she couldn't stop anymore. It was just a huge flood of emotions. They probably scared the crap out of Him to be honest. Why was all He wanted to know, what started this? Sort of a song, phone call and a memory (yesterday) and things that happened on Twitter, of all things, (the day before) where mouse believed she had dishonored Master. It's all recent and the final part that sent mouse careering over the edge. Really couldn't explain it all without explaining IT ALL. All the "reasons" began years ago and just finally snowballed after getting a phone call from Master's sister. 

When she bolted from Him before years ago (around 2003, on the heels of alpha's death and working herself to exhaustion trying to gain approval in her career), she hadn't seen the drug addiction coming, she thought it was completely behind Him after He practically killed Himself. It was like getting hit from behind. There was so much fear in mouse back before she was mouse. Master was always Omega even before she knew that was the name she'd call Him, before she found the word that described Him perfectly and what was to her. 

He was so loved by her then and she was willing to be part of His "harem" (her joke name for the other women in His life), for the chance to be closer to Him, but she never got the chance to tell Him about it because she learned that He had been using again. The drugs were devastating for her learn about, because she'd seen so many go down that path and never return or never be the same after she knew she couldn't follow Him. It was the biggest mistake she'd ever made and one she regretted the moment she signed the papers on her condo. That moment.

"I wanted to undo it but I couldn't. If I had called would have you have answered? I was so angry with you and hurt and disillusioned. I wasn't sure if I had convinced myself into thinking you cared even a little. Why do people do that? They're just allowed to slip away so easily and it hurts so bad."

Even then, mouse had slipped from her normal speech pattern to the first person, using "I" because she couldn't' think of how to word it and give it the same emotion that she was feeling. 

When mouse caught Him using again (after we were together), she knew she couldn't leave Him, because she did that before and it didn't work. Instead she told Him to get help or leave her and instantly regretted the leave part because He might have done that. 

That's also why she returned home to where He was from the lake and broke His heart because He thought it meant she didn't trust Him. It was never that, it was the pain of being away from Him.  But after, she knew He was angry, so angry that she'd hurt us again and resolved in her mind that it wouldn't happen ever again. 

"If you had wanted me to walk through fire, I would have done it. Anything to get back to where we used to be. I will be anything you want me to be to have you. I'll convert if that's what you most want" It was a whisper of a confession from mouse. 

At this point mouse is on the sofa, and Master is crouching down in front of her and listening to this disjointed ramble that she hopes is making some sense to Him and she's terrified that He's thinking this woman has just lost the last bit of her mind and needs help or something. Master hasn't even taken His tie off or loosened it His coat was still on. He just came through the front door and got slammed with this emotional mess that is mouse now. 

It's every thought she's had for more than the last decade that she's never been able to thoroughly express because it's so real and so raw that it couldn't be completely said. Parts of it, but if she tried to say the whole thing exactly the way she felt it, she could never have gotten it out because the tears would have prevented it.

Master finally spoke, for all the trouble mouse has been at times (He was trying to lighten it a little), He's never regretted a moment of our lives together. 

The only question He had was why now. Why now? 

That wasn't easily answered, but she did her best to explain it. If He wanted her to try to convert to Judaism, she would try but wasn't sure if they'd even take her or even if she did His family would accept that she did it right. If that wasn't enough then, if He wanted to leave, He could.

Now she's crying again and beginning to unhinge. He calmed her down and said He didn't understand and needed more information, why was she talking about this? He looked mystified.

So mouse explained further because our relationship was causing problems between Him and siblings. His sister called that day to express that she felt that He'd be better off without mouse in His life and His brothers agreed (they had either come by or called her too when Master wasn't home). A lot of what she said to mouse made sense, because mouse can't possibly understand how important family is and should be because she's never really had one, except Master and the children. He would never embrace the religion as long as mouse was with Him, that she was preventing Him from going back completely. They all felt mouse was the reason that He would sometimes start and stop. Family is the most important thing you can have in life. They're your blood and they need you as much as you need them.

His wife "was just a shiksa and could never understand how important their religion was."

Now things were becoming a little more clear to Him. He didn't like the use of the word "shiksa".

He asked if she heard the part that He hadn't regretted a single moment of our lives together?


He nearly slapped her and said harshly for her to answer, and she said yes she heard that.

Master pulled mouse into His arms and held her so tightly.

When she was in the ICU, and He realized a possibility that she might never wake, He did begin to cry because His only thought was that "She would never know or understand how very important she was to me, how incredibly loved she was by me and how bereft I would be left without her. There would be a deep void within me that time could never ebb away and no one could possibly hope to fill." (His words Master typed that out Himself, and it's exactly what He said to mouse at that moment)

Master said what His family thought was completely unimportant and He'd handle it. He paused and asked if this was the only time any of them had said anything like that. He audibly seemed to growl when mouse said no, different siblings had called or came over, to tell her that and named which when He asked. It was all except one. And all since she came home from the hospital and He had returned to work. They seemed to know exactly when to drop by or call.

They had made comments before, but they were a passing thing. It had been like backhanded compliments, "that went well...considering." Then His sister said that morning, that Omega's mom didn't like mouse at all. And that really hurt because mouse never felt that or got that vibe from her ever, and mouse thought His mother did like her despite her not being part of the tribe, but maybe that was the real reason why He didn't want us to come back because she didn't want to be around or spend her last days with someone His mom didn't like. Which made sense because who would anyone want that? To be forced to be nice to a shiksa who ruined her son's life.

He repeated the part about what His family said or did was completely unimportant and He was so sorry that mouse was hurt by them, especially at time when they knew she was most vulnerable, He felt that was deplorable of them. He followed it up with a command, if anyone said anything like that again she was to tell them to speak to Him and tell Him about it.

Master never thought His siblings would meddle in His life this way. He repeated that He'd handle it and told mouse to lay down on the sofa,  He covered her with a blanket because she was cold and drained from the talk that really didn't last all the long once her tears stopped.

He said that He was glad He came home early, He would pick up the kids and bring home dinner so mouse wouldn't have worry about cooking. He wanted her to rest because it became apparent to Him that her recent bouts of complete sadness were all due to this, especially after looking at mouse's phone. He had been wondering what was actually going on and was getting concerned that mouse was seriously depressed following her time in the hospital.

Now, He realized His "well-meaning" family was making mouse feel miserable and uncertain about our relationship. But that wasn't her intent to make Him angry with His siblings, but to explain if the religion was that important no matter how badly mouse loved Him, she would accept it if He didn't want to be with her. Converting would be a dishonest thing and mouse wasn't sure that she could lie to other people and pretend to believe something she didn't believe. But if it meant us staying together and making Him happy, she would do that.

At this point He told her to stop worrying about that she was beginning to ramp up and tears wouldn't be far behind it. 

If you lined up some of the deep discussions we'd had, and added the context of religion, even though that was never mentioned by Him, Master saw very clearly how mouse could think that He was simply too polite to bring that up. He wanted her to be completely certain that religion was never part of it. He knew full well that mouse would do whatever He wanted. If He truly wanted a Kosher home all the time, He could have that. He also won't apologize for not wanting it.

All mouse can do is trust Master.


Anonymous said...

Oh mouse, you should have told Omega about this when it started.

Omega, please don't think that mouse doesn't trust you because of this. Families are often minefields. I've had issues with my in-laws too. I would often walk on eggshells on what to say to my husband.

hugs all around

Omega said...

Thank you Sadie for sharing your own experience.


I deleted my previous remark, because I now feel it was unfair.

I do love you.


Roz said...

Oh Mouse, I am so very sorry you have been so hurt by family and agree with Omega that it is deplorable, especially when you are recovering and vulnerable. This is a hard situation for both of you.

I am so glad you shared this with Omega, he needed to know.

Sending big ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Mouse-those comments from Master's family spread such pain and doubt, esp the one about His mother not liking you. You know that your Master and children are all you need. It does make me wonder if some of your acting out in the past were caused by these comments. Your Master will take care of this and more-HE LOVES YOU. Do wish to be a fly on the wall when all hell breaks loose. Peace dear mouse Andi

Anonymous said...

Dear Mouse and Family,

I was deeply troubled when I read this, and I find it very mean spirited for people (and FAMILY PEOPLE no less!) to be making disparaging remarks and such after what you have just been through. I also think it's weak that they choose to do so whilst Master is away. Additionally, since you are both grown adults it's also none of their f-ing business! You make your own choices about and for each other and do not require their consent or approval!

I know it will not be easy to navigate a relationship with them at all after this, I suppose the only comforting thought I can conjure up is that I have a feeling your Master will take care of this in his own way.

I'm glad you shared with him, and with us. Please know that I am sending you healing wishes and hopes for sunnier days coming for you soon.

P.S. I was honored to finally have Omega follow me back on Twitter! Thank you!

Omega said...

You are welcome Fleur41.