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Monday, May 3, 2021

The Things You Said Today

You pick the place and I'll choose the time
And I'll climb the hill in my own way
Just wait a while for the right day
And as I rise above the treeline and the clouds
I look down hearing the sound of the things you said today

Today is the first Monday of May, mouse has been proving even more helpful to Master, in ways neither of us anticipated. It turns out mouse is quite competent at packing specifically, unpacking and repacking His case, making sure His toiletry bag is filled the way He likes it. Taking care that He has everything He needs, including His diabetic needs. He remarked that He was becoming quite dependent on mouse to do those things for Him and that made her happy. His mind becomes so filled with all work related things, He would sometimes neglect to make sure He had the candies He sometimes needs if His insulin goes too high.

His remarking how dependent He was now on her also made her more aware this was now her responsibility. He still handles all of His usual supplies, but having her handle the backup supplies has been a load off His mind. As vaccinations become more available He's noticing more people traveling and complaining about wearing a mask, something He believes is a waste of energy. Also another sign is that party invitations are coming in. People anxious to gather. As a people watcher, parties are delightful, as an introvert they're also a hassle so mouse has been speaking to her therapist about coping strategies. Knowing fully what Master expects certainly helps to beat down those fears. People's remarks that would have caused mouse to reply back with a sarcasm, now just flowed off her. it's tribal and mouse when feeling angered or dismayed reminded herself instead that these aren't her people, she's merely visiting. 

Master kept her close to Him and she just smiled and looked pretty while He chatted it up with colleagues. There were plenty of times people (especially other women) would ask her what she does for a living, it's that bit of small talk everyone does, and then when mouse admits she doesn't work outside the home they do this weird validation thing, "oh you know it's the hardest job." Or the ever popular "good for you." 

Rolls off her like water off a duck's back. By the end of the evening mouse was getting tired and her face was hurting from smiling, Master guided her to yet another group (He was doing what He does, working the room) and introduced them. Again fake smiling mouse listened to the banter and then one of the women asked mouse what she did.  It was the umpteenth time she'd been asked this and was considering wearing a badge next time, and the reply just slipped out. 

"Oh I'm a slave," mouse replied, then with a gentle wink and probably the first genuine smile, she added, "You know, housewife and mother."  

While she didn't dare look to Master, she heard a woman say, "OMG me too!" There was no false pretense, and the woman even followed it up with, "isn't it just the best?" and sorta pulled mouse aside. Now, mouse was cautious as she listened to the woman prattle on about how horrible people are toward us stay at home spouses. Without agreeing or disagreeing mouse simply said it was nice to be always available to her husband (loud enough for Master to hear) and with that the other woman's eyes flew open and she pulled mouse even further away and whispered she didn't think any of the couples even bothered with sex anymore. This woman was itching for a friend. Master walked over and apologized for intruding and explained we had to leave. The woman looked sad we were going and mouse was as kind as she could muster. 

On the way home, mouse was actually feeling guilty, and lost in thoughts trying to puzzle the "why" out. Master drew her attention back on Him by sternly saying, "Do not ever make a crack like that again." Closing her eyes mouse winced a little, knowing she shouldn't reduce our relationship to a joke for her own sick shits and giggles. That's probably one reason why she felt guilty,  the other reason was more complex. This woman had reached out to her, (presumably) desperate for friendship and mouse couldn't even remember her name. Many times mouse would chide Master that He really didn't anyone, honestly in truth mouse found most relationships and friendships difficult too, maybe more so than even Him. Those times she chided Him were probably more about her own fears that she wasn't really needed by Him.  

Mildly angry when we reached home, Master said very little to her. We pretended all was well, as we talked to the children (video game chat that He finds uninteresting) before He said we were tired and going to bed. Finally kicking off her shoes mouse squeezed her toes into the carpet, and un-clipping her garter and rolling down the hose as she walked into the bathroom. The tile felt nice against her burning soles, as she took off her jewelry she'd worn that evening and asked for Master's help in unzipping her dress. Still in her chemise mouse washed her face and brushed her teeth. He was hanging up His suit, when He caught her gaze.  

After she hung up her dress, mouse wriggled out of the chemise, removed the garter and bra placing in the drawer and stood waiting for instructions. Still mentally puzzling over the evening and trying to find a way out of the guilt she was feeling. Master misunderstood the guilt she was feeling though and then she had correct Him about that. He thought she was feeling bad because He had called her out on the crack she made. That comment she made, she felt was nothing, just a joke and while it was probably in poor taste, the reason she felt guilty was because of that woman she was talking to. 

Mentally, Master  put a pin the "joke" remark and asked why. Had the woman said something upsetting...What had we talked about? He was full of curiosity and probably protective. At this point He put on His robe before He guided her to main bedroom, telling her to kneel in front Him as He sat in the chair. Trying to find the right words wasn't simple but eventually the pieces began to fit together. While mouse could completely empathize, with this woman she didn't know, about motherhood and felt some brief kinship, because it is at times very isolating. It's nothing like it used to be. Stay at home mother's are rare (fathers are even more rare). It's lonely at times and contrary to what many say about it being the hardest job in the world, once the kids are out of diapers and into school, it's really not all that difficult. You tend to feel more like a referee at that point than a parent. 

"Do you want to be friends with this woman?" Master asked and probably felt a bit of relief when mouse replied, "God no!" Then added that the guilt she felt was probably because she found the woman to be too needy. In the past mouse would have jumped at a friendship until it became too consuming. Right now, between her own therapy, Master, her slavery to Him, and our family there's more than enough and she couldn't handle trying to juggle in another person. What made mouse feel guilty was that the woman in all her neediness was probably holding on by a thread and mouse just couldn't take that on. It wasn't a judgment, it was simply self-preservation for mouse. 

Exhausted from her own rationalization, mouse quietly rested her head onto Master's thigh and He stroked her hair. 

Master has never asked much about her therapy sessions, we have the unspoken rule that we don't discuss our lifestyle in a specific way. It's more about, for mouse, coping with the past which is really more about life before Master. Very important stuff is shared with Him at once. Through therapy (and maybe age), mouse has learned that she's probably always been exactly who she is and needs a firm hand to guide her. In the simplest of terms, mouse is a slave and not suited to have the agency to direct her own life.

Petting her softly, Master simply remarked that she's different now than she used to be, understanding how vulnerable she truly is and far more willing to isolate herself from people who might become unwittingly too much for her handle. 

"You are both more fragile and stronger than you used to be. Therapy has helped you more than I appreciated." 

It was nice to hear that from Him. Then He stated that correction for what she had said was still required, even if she knew it was wrong, even if it was only a joke in her eyes, it was not funny to Him. There was nothing to say about it, so mouse simply moved off His thigh and got herself into position. He retreated to the closet and she could hear Him rummaging around the boxes and she closed her eyes trying to mentally prepare herself. 

Once again He cautioned her to not make a sound, save for the counts, twenty. He didn't show her what He'd be using but the sound it made coming down told her it was His old friend the riding crop. He brought it down in that stingy way (He claims it wasn't nearly as hard as He used to, but its been a long time and mouse just disagrees with Him on that) and made her whimper softly as she called out the numbers. The final few really smarted and reduced her to tears. He repeated after why she was being corrected and she said that she understood and would never do that again. 

Understanding what Master wants from mouse and watching her do something that is counter to that is frustrating for Him. True to His word, He let the matter go. 

Master ultimately decided to not use the points anymore, He doesn't want mouse to confuse her service to Him as an expectation of reward. The ultimate reward is providing good service and now she understands better what that is and how best achieved. 

It came to her rather suddenly watching a video on YouTube of a dog learning a new trick that this was what He did. Originally, the owner of the dog explained they used food as the reward, then got the dog used to the clicker by offering the food and the click. when that association was made they used only the clicker and eventually the dog didn't need the click and just behaved as expected. Yes, mouse is the dog. 

Master chuckled when she told Him about her observation and He sat thoughtfully for a moment and said rather too matter-of-factually that 'pets and slaves were not dissimilar.' As much as mouse tried to be pissed at Him for that statement, she could come up with nothing to counter it.  

For a few weeks mouse felt deeply rattled and unsettled. The therapist scheduled a time to speak to us both about this. The unspoken rule is that Master shouldn't ask why ahead of the meeting. How He held His tongue, mouse cannot understand. The therapist is like the conduit, who helps mouse find her voice to share difficult things with Him. Aware of the rules He sat comfortably, and just listened. 

I am rarely concerned about these encounters (curious yes). They always prove productive for mouse to foster trust and bridge a gap between where we are and her past. My slave worries far too much and tends to overthink issues that are beyond her grasp. This is not meant to be a rebuke or in any way to silence her. --Omega 

Trying to explain her unsettled feelings, she began slowly in a meandering and often awkward way. The therapist encouraged her to continue. He slowly began to realize that mouse wasn't complaining about Him but more herself and her fears that she could never be what He needs her to be.  Again, we don't discuss our Master/slave relationship in any specific way with the therapist (even though the therapist is kink aware). The fear while totally about our Master/slave lives could easily be part of a vanilla relationship as well. 

In the car going home, Master assured mouse that He was never leaving her and remarked that it must have been exhausting to have such a strong worry. He sympathized with her and said He understands that she feel very vulnerable and then said, "aren't you tired slave?" Not really understanding, He tried to clarify, "Isn't it exhausting to worry about something that would never occur when you could just be happy and engaged?" He wasn't diminishing her fears or making her feel bad for having them. He was simply stating a fact that she worries too much when she just let that worry go and be the way she is. 

Master reassured in every way He could think, meanwhile she was chewing on what He had said only because the therapist has said it too. That evening back in the bedroom, mouse came to Him and admitted that she is very tired. He pulled her into His lap and and told her to breathe, He spoke very calmly to her and said He would help her, in His most soothing tone He walked her through conscious breathing techniques. Then He got up disappeared. Pulling her robe on mouse found him in His study where He was on the computer. 

There was a book He found useful on the subject, He was sure He still had it but it wasn't around. He ordered a copy from Amazon. Standing there, she bit her lip. Seeing her He asked naturally "what?" and mouse said He had lent her that book after alpha passed, she was experiencing problems with coping. Then she admitted she never really looked at it (or doesn't recall looking at it), left it on a shelf and probably ended up in the donation pile when she moved.  

He smirked at that, and said no doubt it was likely on purpose it landed it in that pile. Way back then, we weren't exactly on the best of terms. 

While He mused out loud about the statute of limitations on punishments, she mused also out loud on the statute of limitations on apologies. Master pulled her close and said simply there is never a statute on apologies. Master said rather simply this was why He never lent out books. 

Back in bed we made love, with lots of touching, caressing, licking, tasting and biting (He loves to bite) and after mouse told Him how very much she loves Him. Damn it, she wishes she could recall exactly what He said in reply but the words were as beautiful as the most heartfelt poetry that made her cry. 

Hmm, it was something rather that it always amazes me how those simple words roll off her tongue with such ease, and yet often it catches me unaware. She can be incandescently happy or merely contented and the words tumble out, or emotionally spent and morose and, still those sparse words fall from her lips. For me, in the early days those were easily spoken and felt, as time passed I often forget how she needs to hear them, even if she still deludes herself in reasoning the contrary. I know this to be true, when I speak them to her, the look of wonder sweeps across her face and often it is accompanied with a tear. It is not that I do not feel such breadth of passion, it is simply that I am far more economical with my emotions as I am apparently with my words. -- (Again) Omega


7 comments:

claire said...

Good evening mouse,

Oh yes, I have had many a comment over the years regarding my status as a housewife, I did work albeit 2 mornings a week only at a local shop when our children were younger, I think my favourite comment by someone was along the lines of how nice it must be to be a kept woman! why yes because all I do all day is totter around in my 6 inch heels, wearing designer clothing, decorated in diamond jewellery and shop till I drop.

My sister in law refers to me as a stepford wife, I don't take offence, we don't 'advertise' how we live, but well I guess some people might think I'm odd or ignorant because I remove myself from conversations that my Master does not like me engaging in in public, and nor do I partake in 'husband bashing' which I have found women in groups tend to do.

I admit your reply to the woman of being a slave made me laugh (sorry Omega) and I can understand I think of why you may have responded in that way, it can be exasperating at times.

If you don't mind may I ask if you find being a slave a lonely life at times? do you enjoy socialising? or would your preference be not to?

I ask because I used to, and sure I do have the odd moments here and now, but I have wandered if it's because of the way we live that has made me hesitant in forming friendships because I feel like I can't really be myself because I'm holding back or I am just happy and content being a homebody and don't feel the need to socialise unless I absolutely have to, which is the way I am.

Goodness if that makes sense at all!

Claire

mouse said...

Master!!!

You added comments to the post!!!! Honestly mouse loves that...and now she has those words forever!

Forever yours,
mouse

Anonymous said...

This made me smile.

Isabel

TigerWolf said...

Well written

mouse said...

Hi Claire!

Being a slave is lonely at times (could be why she’s still blogging), because you know you can’t express that you are in a meaningful way. Socializing is ok, with people we know, members of Master’s family or close friends. They don’t seem to care that mouse doesn’t work outside the home. Other parties are bothersome to her. The people are totally fake. Master has to go to those things. Sometimes they’re ok, because mouse truly does love watching people.

But at the same time they can be taxing.

Hugs,
mouse

mouse said...

Tiger Wolf and Isabel thanks for your comments.

Roz said...

Hi Mouse, ugh, what is with that question! Always awkward and how frustrating to have to repeat yourself constantly. I have to admit, your reply made me giggle too.

What a lovely post and I love that Omega shared his view also. It sounds like you had some milestone moments and realisations for both of you. That's awesome:)

Hugs
Roz